I Hate Myself So Much Right Now

I am consumed by regret, pain and hatred. Hatred for myself. There is no one to blame but myself.

ajatsea ajatsea
31-35, M
5 Responses Feb 25, 2009

"I am consumed by regret, pain and hatred. Hatred for myself. There is no one to blame but myself." <br />
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I feel the same exact way hope you get thrue your tuff time.

Thanks sunnyside, I am feeling better now. I felt really bad when making the decision. But now that I am in it it is better. Direction helps.<br />
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Hey kthimm1. My childhood also sucked. And strangely enough it seems most people do not understand why I feel that way. But I know how I felt and it affects me still. I am really sorry that you have had to go through that. My father left my mother under a cloud of suspicion regarding messing with my sister. I only learned that 2 years ago. And I am 32. I also look a lot like my father. But I am me. I am not him. I may look like him and gotten divorced like him and do a lot of things like him but I am who I am. Took me a lot of years to get to where I am now. At peace with who I am. If you are trying to deal with this you have started your quest for answers and healing. I only started at 30. So you have a chance of making peace with yourself early in life. Wish I could help more or say something that would really truly help. But no amount of words from me will take the pain away. Just know you are not your father. You are a marvelous person in your own right. With a clean slate. How you fill it is your choice.

You will live through it I promise though I haven't had to yet I have had to ex boyfriend in a period of 3 years and I am 18. lol<br />
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I know pain more than I want to but it has nothing to do with my ex boyfriends it has to do more with what I am dealing with now and what I have found out. <br />
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I feel regret and hatred as well more than I used to. Hatred for knowing what my father did after all these years of not knowing my family at all. <br />
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Finding my mother after over 18 years I thought would relieve some of the pain but what I found out shocked and hurt me so much more than I could have believed. <br />
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I feel pain for what happened to one of my sisters and most likely the other as well. I feel pain so much knowing who it was that hurt my sisters was my father. <br />
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Hatred for knowing that I look like him and even have his temper. <br />
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I can't look in the mirror and just see myself anymore because of how much I look like him.

Having read your story I think today is a day of triumph for you. Divorce is horrible; I know that. But it is very necessary surgery, life saving in fact in many instances. Your emotional health will improve I promise. For now you must bare with it, go through the necessary steps and then give yourself permission to exit that cage you've been trapped in for so long.

Getting divorced. Read Am Married and Alone.