I Am Void of Emotion

 Here's what its like being me:

I'm smart. I have good grades, for example, a 3.7 GPA (and that's when I put forth minimal effort) and I score in the 99th percentile on national standardized tests. I never study for anything because I don't care about anything. Only reason I go to highschool is because I am required to do so.

I work out a lot and participate in sports. I am in good shape. I am reasonably good looking. The thing is, I don't do anything because I like it. I really hate most things in my life. I just do things, such as sports, because it is the "right" thing to do. I thought that being in shape would be an accomplishment.

 

You may read this and think "Oh what does he have to complain about?" Yes, I thought about that today as well. I was thinking about it alone, on a friday, you know, while thinking about why I should continue my miserable life. I thought "Wait, look on the bright side!" So I did. And when I did, I still hated myself. It was then that I came to the conclusion that I hate myself because I have no true friends, and no matter what I do, I can never gain a true friend with whom I can share my true feelings and secrets without fear of being judged. Ever since I moved I have switched social groups quite often. People like me, then they just exclude me all of a sudden; no words spoken. I just get the cold shoulder and they wait until I can put the pieces together, and I hate them for it. I've gathered that there is no easy way to let down a friend. I hate it. Its happened 3 or 4 times now. Just today, I had one of my friends over. He texted my other friend who was having a bunch of our friends over. He gets a response saying "you can come, but come alone." And so he shows me that he is invited and I am to be excluded. I tell my friend to go, because I feel angry and I want to let my friend have a good time, even without me. So here I am, alone on a friday. I can't relate to anyone else in this world. I'm closest to all material goods, and no people. I don't like my family. There's nothing wrong with them, and yet, I simply do not like them. My friends don't like me, I've gathered.

 

I wake up every day thinking "**** my life" as I pull myself out of bed, and get in the shower. My day consists of school, school, school, and then I go to practice. I run, which I hate more than anything, and I lift weights, which I somewhat enjoy. I go home, overloaded with homework. I have no time to do anything fun like watch TV, play video games, or read. I go to bed, tired as ****, then wake up in what feels like 30 minutes later, and force myself to do it again. And why do I do it? I don't like any of it. I am going to stop it all right here.

 

I realize that if I try to get good grades and participate in sports, what am I doing? I can building a good college application? ****, no, I hate this. I don't want to go to college and do more damn work. Life sucks, all I am ever going to do is work and have no fun. I have no friends. I go to school, with a smile on my face, acting, and looking absolutely normal. Maybe I'm crazy, and I have some sort of personality disorder that I don't detect. I analyze myself and I'm modest, I'm somewhat quiet, and I try to be fair and loyal. So, if I have a personality disorder, I may as well be insane too, because I can't detect it. Either way, I'm stressed, lonely, and I hate everything. I've been an atheist for my whole life, and I've written 10 page essays on "The paradoxes of the existence of God" and I know that religion is BS. If you don't agree, then you're an idiot. I've had enough with religious people. The point is, I know that when I die nothing will happen. If I kill myself right now, it won't be any different from me dying in 70 years, because death gives me nothing, but it takes from me everything. No memory, no regrets. People might say "you'll miss out." Miss out on what? Working a boring job, getting married, growing old, not doing anything exciting EVER, and just living because its the popular thing to do. I want it to be over with as soon as possible because I am void of normal highschool kid characteristics. I have no one to relate to, or even talk to outside of school with, for that matter. I hate myself, and I have been depressed ever since I moved here. You know when the last time I cried was? When my best friend, from my old school, killed himself 2 years ago. 

voidofall voidofall
18-21
5 Responses Mar 13, 2009

I just read your story and .. wow. I couldn't believe all the similarities. Thousand things could be said but words have no effect. It's like battling an invisible enemy. worst feeling tho is when you need someone the most, you look to your side but there is no one there. Family? Not when all they say is you're just being ungrateful for everything you have in life so suck it up. Being someone that has zero REAL friends I know how empty it can be...

if theres no*

I'm an atheist in generally the same place and I am going to level with you Ive debated the same thing. But I realized Ive theres no difference if die now or 70 years why not say **** it and have fun in life? So instead of being a "Good boy" I live impulsively and simply have fun in life. I found that there are 2 reasons to continue life a) Leave a legacy like Alexander the great if you want to be remembered for a long time to come or b) live for fun. Money = ability to have all kinds of fun there fore college becomes necessary.

i'm religious, but i'm not an idiot, and I know exactly how you feel. I'm intelligent and incredibly talented, pretty good looking too, but so socially awkward, people just don't make sense to me, and I hate feeling so lonely and rejected all the time. I don't know what to do with my life but i keep going anyway cos i can't not believe that one day my life will be worth it. I don't know you and i have never seen you but i somehow have the deep and impassioned ability to tell you that i care about you. that i believe you matter and i guess that's all i can say cos i can't convince of anything you don't want to hear and i'm sure you don't want any cheesy mumbo jumbo. but i'd be your friend, and i care, and screw everyone else, their loss. people just don't know how to be true friends and real deep honest compassionate people. it's cos they're just like us in their own way. they're just not strong enough to admit it. anyway, hope i helped.

You and i alike, i feel void of emotion; the friends i thought i 'had' have only proven to back-stab me in the end.<br />
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Truly, the only difference between myself and you is; You've posted my exact thoughts before i could. Everything just seems surreal and unimportant, yet i find myself pressing on for a reason I myself don't even know. I look at the people around me and wonder why the **** i can't just be stereotypically "normal". I really haven't always been like this, it took a few catastrophic betrayals and my two closest friends dying in a car accident to provoke this void i feel; or at least that's what I'd like to blame it on.<br />
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I've got the grades, I'm in sports year round, and i don't know where I'm pulling out the motivation to keep playing what seems like a big "Game" at this point.<br />
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However nothing remotely close to suicide has never once crossed my mind, it just seems like a childish thing to do; while at the same time, i just want to give up on all my responsibilities, alienate everyone from me, and stop and stare at my fraction of the world, and analyze why the **** I'm like this, and what i can do to change it, if anything.