Please Read This, and Help Me If You Can

I don't know exactly where to start. Or even when. My best guess is that things started going downhill when I was in 8th grade.  I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. Everything I said seemed stupid to me by the time I reached high school, and whenever somebody talked down to me, or made fun of me, or whenever I saw something as an attack against me, I would never react outwardly. Instead, I would silently get angry at myself, blaming myself for setting myself up, for doing something wrong. I felt like I deserved every piece of abuse. I didn't like it, but I deserved it. I ended up nearly completely screwing up my high school career because of stupid things I did freshman year. I was arrogant, and didn't realize how stupid I was until it was too late. By the next year, things were looking up a little. I had found several new friends, and I found that I was actually capable of having a good time. The strange thing was (and continues until now) is that I could go out with friends, and have a great time, and then the minute I would get home, I would think about every last thing I said, point out the idiotic ones to myself, and then focus on how stupid I was. I would lay awake for hours thinking about how stupid I was. Twice, during my sophomore year, I, while home alone, went to the kitchen drawer, drew out a knife, and dared myself to kill myself. But I'm afraid of pain, and couldn't build up the nerve to do everyone I knew a favor.

This type of thinking continued into my junior year, where I am now. I still have the same friends, but my own thoughts keep bothering me. I always wonder if they only tolerate me, and I have no actual friends. I think they pity me, and I think that I'm not deserving of their pity. I never thought that I deserved to have companionship. I wanted friends, I needed friends, but I never deserved them. Still I wonder whether the people I know actually like who I am.

There is no one to blame for the way I think except me, and if I were to actually kill myself, I would blame no one .but me. The entire experience is my fault. Perhaps it stemmed from me always trying to live up to my brother's example, maybe it stemmed from me trying to imitate school society. I failed at both, and was almost rejected from the society I desperately wanted to become a part of. I felt alone, unaided, and unwilling to go for help. I thought I was strong enough to beat the feeling, and my own inability to overcome my self-loathing only made me hate myself even more. Everything I tried ended in failure, for the most part because I wasn't perfect. I thought that maybe if I was actually good at something, I might find a niche. I managed to become good at somethings, according to some people, but I always disregarded their opinions as pity compliments, and I always thought that anything I did was completely worthless because of the smallest imperfections in it.

It's all a vicious circle. Everything I do makes me hate myself more, and I consider myself to be an idiot because I think that way. Which only makes things worse. Because I can't solve my problems by myself, I'm worthless, and I really don't know what to do now. I hope somebody can help me before I finally build up the nerve to do something deperate.

darksideofthemoon73 darksideofthemoon73
18-21
5 Responses Mar 18, 2009

I was the exact same way when I was in school and I'm still like that a little bit just not as bad as I was in school and I still remember some of the stupid things I would say (they still haunt me to this day) and when I would think about it I would think of things I could have said that would have been better to say I wish I could go back to that time in my life just to be able to say things that I had said deferentially. I was such a looser in school especially in middle school and in my sophomore year I finally started making friends and then my joiner yeah they made me transfer because I moved out of district and I never made any more friends after I transferred but I did meet my future husband and we are married now but I still have no friends except the ones I have on here I really wish I could change that period of my life but there is nothing I can do about it so I just try to forget it that's all I really can do. I would try to tell myself that I didn't care what people thought of me and it did help a little but not a lot if I think of anyway I can help you out I'll let you know I have only been out of school for almost two years now and so I'm sure I'll get more advices later but if you have any questions about it I'll be more then glad to answer them the best I can. I know what you are going through I've been there and I know it's not fun and if you ever need someone to talk to you can always talk to me about it. if you ever do want to talk you can send me an e mail just let me know and I'll give you my e mail address or you can send me a message on here.

Please contact me or invite me as a friend... I'd really like to talk to you some more. Maybe I could offer some advice.

Hey man, I can so totally relate to every word and emotion you shared. One very positive thing I can say is that you want to deal with this issue now instead of shelving it and trying to ignore it. That is VERY cool! It's just a matter now of determining the best way to work the problem. I don't know much about you but I know self-hate intimately and it's tough to not see yourself as ****. I wonder how other people see you... I'm guessing they think you're a good person but you don't understand why they don't hate you as much as you do. You need someone to come alongside you (a therapist or a good friend maybe?) and maybe put some thought into medication if you have trouble with depression... Take Care man, it will take time, but you can make this better.

I know how it is. Its been downhill for me since the 8th grade at least as well. <br />
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I seem to just not know who I am and its hard for me to like myself cause of that. <br />
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I need truth and am just starting to get it now maybe.

i have expierenced thoughts like that ,when i was in high school mine, was caused by an illness that haunted me thru my life. i never thought that i would live to be 50. i wanted to die but like you hated the thought of pain. i did live to be 53 at date and finally have had some relief and don't have an answer for anyone else but mine was caused to some degree by brain neurotransmitters and blood sugar being out of balance. try to get checked out by a good doctor.