I Hate Myself Too.

Hello to everyone. I'm a 22 years girl and I'm having the same kind of feelings you all do. Starting from the begining, my childhood was not very happy. At 3, I was forced to move to another country, because my parents had to, they had legal problems (money stuff). We moved to a little village, and I always felt a stranger.People knew me as the foreign,and some adults and children made fun of me, even though I always was a normal child, and made lots of friends there after all. My father beated up my mom almost every day, and the reason could be a missing fork on the table. I had to witness all of it. I grow up knowing I had family,and where they were, but only one member went to visit us once or twice a year, so I never knew the rest. When we could come back to our country, because legal problems ceased because of the years that passed since they started, me and my mom had the guts and came to our country. We started a new life, with all the support of our family. It was very strange for me to have a family, and to be in a country were everybody spoked the language wich I only heard my parents speak,and myself. I was starting to be happy, though we live in a poor house, but we don't need anything relevant! I have friends, a college education, and I'm in the last year of unniversity, in a career that I truly hate: Accountancy. My dream since I can remember is to be a geologist, but I know geology doesn't pay the bills, so I made the worst mistake in my life, and I am finishing accountancy (at least, I am finishing). As soon as I finish, i will start geology, or I won't die happy. I've always been the girl who had space rockets and soldiers instead of barbies.. :) and who still knows most of the constellations. I really love nature. This is a thing that has affect me in ways few people imagine. I'm not happy studying this, I hate it, and now I realise how wrong it is to betray our dreams. Plus, I've always been an extremely unconfident person (i guess i figure why.. if even my father doesn't want to know about me, who will?) and I've always been a little overweighted. I weight 72kg, and I'm 1.62m tall. All of my friends have boyfriends, I don't. I think people find me ugly and extremely fat. I just avoid go to the beach, because I can't stand the idea of wearing a bikini, and everytime I walk by the street, or talk to anyone..anyone, I'm thinking, this person is thinking i'm ugly and fat. Most of the people i know say i'm extremely intelligent, and a girl who one can't find easily nowadays.. but the truth is that boys can't like me. I see people happy, and I just can't stand my image in the mirror. I don't wanna go out, I invent excuses in order not to see people, even my friends, because I don't feel pretty to come outside, or do whatever it be. I just stay at home, for nobody to see me. I just don't feel good. Is this a depression? Regards *

iamx iamx
Mar 20, 2009