Emptiness and Self Loathing
I've never felt quite right ever since I can remember. I've been raised in a family where it is considered incredibly shameful to express your feelings if you're a boy...so I've never really been able to express these feelings to other people. I'm such a nervous wreck nowadays...I have panic disorder and prescriptions to handle it, but I feel so weak for having to resort to them. I try as hard as I can to overcome all obstacles naturally, so I try to avoid any drugs (medicinal or recreational), alcohol, or any other foreign substance that people use as a crutch. I can't let anything go anymore. When I lose a friend, I feel like I've died a little and become even more detached from everything. I went through a breakup recently from a pretty serious relationship, and I've never felt so disgusted over the ending of a relationship before. I almost feel like I should tell her if I can't have her, no one will. I can't let her go and the thing is, I wasn't even in love. I just feel like it's everyone trying to take away what makes me happy and boss me around. I know it's not true, but I can't help feeling like it is.
I got a job working for a landscaping company a few weeks ago, owned and operated by a very close friend of both of my parents. I've been working my *** off, which I'm fine with, but I'm making minimum wage and I don't get any breaks. I'm pretty pissed off about the whole ordeal, but I can't quit. My parents will not allow it. I missed today because I'm pretty sure I have a urinary tract infection, but I was too embarrassed to say that, so I told my mom it was a stomach ache. I told my dad the truth and it got back around to my mom and now she is so angry at me for not telling her and letting me know how big of a waste I am. I don't do anything but lay around and drain everyone's patience, time, and money. I just want to join the military and fight and die, but my mother won't allow it. Says she didn't raise me to go off and die for no reason. I guess she raised me so I could hate myself and live miserably and die for no reason.
I'm from a family of achievers. Both of my sisters are doing great in college and one even got a full scholarship. I'm a **** up. I can't do anything that the rest of my family hasn't already done and they can do it better than me. I really want to die. I want to kill myself...and if I wasn't so afraid of shaming my family, I would've done it already. The truth is, even though I really hate them sometimes, I love them...and I know how much honor and courage and reputation mean to them. It would completely ruin them if they were known as the family with the failure son who slit his throat from ear to ear; however, I feel that I may even be a bigger let down if I don't kill myself. I don't bring anything special to the table. I'm not smart, athletic, talented, deep, creative. I'm just a failed son. The only son my parents ever had and I've done nothing but let them down.
When I was four or five, I signed up for tae kwan do. My dad wanted a son who would kick *** and take names. I went to a few lessons, got kicked in the mouth by a 12 year old and cried so hard, they took me home and I never went back. Disappointed everyone.
When I was twelve, I quit the football team and began skateboarding. Disappointed everyone.
When I was sixteen, I dropped out. Disappointed everyone.
I disappoint everyone, including myself. I'm a disgusting, angry, mean, worthless, unloveable, talentless bastard. I hate myself.