Endless Night Part 8


So here I am; the circle is complete. Still do I hate myself. Even going to sleep at night I don't look forward to, I hope that I don't dream. All I want is pitch black sleep. I don't have any dreams left for myself, I am unable to find any joy in goals or quests. I have my associates degree, but I felt nothing about it. I have a family, but it doesn't lift my spirits.

It is a circle of hatred and sadness, and I don't know where the weak link is to break. I tear up with each segment, I shouldn't but yet I do.  Why?

If I hate myself, then I feel bad.  If I feel bad, then I am not happy. If I am not happy, then I must be sad. If I am sad, then I will cry. When I cry, I hate myself more.

I am afraid of the eventual bottom I will hit. I dare not go forward, and the past forces me to remember my pain. As if I needed a reminder. I am lost and confused, and I'm not sure what to do, I don't trust the medical community, and I have no friends to rely on. I guess feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all...

Sadly, getting it all out does nothing for me. To you who reads my story, you know me now as well as I know myself. I don't believe in wishes, they don't come true anyways, but I wish there would be a dawn someday.... I would even settle for twilight of some sort.

This is the end of my story, I"m sorry there is no happy ending. I hope somebody can relate to what I feel.

megatron316 megatron316
41-45, M
21 Responses May 18, 2009

I can relate

Im just in.
All my problems were in part self created in part lack of support. It's

It having been three years, I have to ask, do you hate yourself now? Also, something that never was cleared up in the story, how much have you told your wife?

I can relate! I too and trying to make sense of the dismal place I have found myself in. Sleep is a chore anymore. Wake up in the middle of the night, can't go back. Tired all day the next day, I'm minutes new to the site. Perhaps I'll grow some and tell my story, but for now it's gr8 to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing. #reachingup

When you're ready, it will come out. It took me quite a few years to spill my guts writing the story, and looking back now, I'm glad I did. While what plagues me will never disappear, I at least know there are others who suffer as I do. Don't give up and find your place to stand your ground. We will get through this.

I know that feeling and pain is better than nothing and emptiness that feels impossible to make sense of .. Constantly feeling not good enough and in a way those friends that smile at you and doctors that you go to, it's like secretly they all think it too, everyone in the world can see you are not normal and they are all above you .. And maybe it sounds crazy but inside all it sounds like is the truth. Nobody has ever made you believe you are worth more than that, a few sympathetic words are not enough, they arent enough to take away everything you've been telling yourself you are for so long. It's never enough, nothing's enough. The thought of getting better, happier, scares me so much because I'm still going to be me. I'm still going to be the person who isn't good enough, who they all look down on, but I'll just have to deal with it and I don't think I can .

yes, you can. You learn to be yourself, and basically ignore the rest. People don't understand who (or what) I am, and that's fine now. I don't bother with them, I don't associate with them, and basically they can all $#@% off. That is what I show people, and to those who do understand, I owe a great deal of thanks to. It isn't easy to carry this alone, and it took me too long to realise that. You are good enough, I am good enough, it's just people choose not to see the bigger picture. Hold your head high. I believe in you.

Hey man I know how you feel. I mean I have a family but I'm the black sheeep. I hate everything. Everything is just pointless when you.think about it. But I have given up. I pop pills drink smoke (marijuana) that used to help now things are just worst sometimes I just hope I O.D and never wake up. Nothing is worth living for anyways . I'm just a waste.

I just happened upon this site because I was having a bad day -- a day that felt like the endless stream of bad days I experienced in my teens and 20's. I don't know where you are right now, but I do encourage you to find a therapist. So many will scale their fees to your income level. Quite honestly, I don't know where I would be today without the therapy I have received over the past 20 years. I can tell you that, despite my bad day, I am a much better an happier person because of therapy. Good luck. God Bless. It is so hard, but there are avenues of support.

I think you need to cut the melodramatic bullshit, think about some starving African children, go volunteer at a ******* soup kitchen and stop being such a ******* NECKBEARD

There are more ways to starve than just the physical.

I used to hate myself. I hate everything about me, even my life. I guessed I hated myself because of the people who surrounds me... but anyway I find my way to happiness (almost there, I guessed?) I found things that could make me feel better, things that I could be proud of to myself. I guessed you will start to love yourself when you starts to do things that you love.

Its been a work in progress. I know that it will always be there, behind me, waiting for something to make me fall down again. You have reminded me of something I have to do here, but before I do, I would like to thank you for looking in on me. Trust me when I say this, I don't want to go back there.

You can be lifted up out of despair. I can identify with you, but I promise you, God pulled me out of everything I'd got myself into, He pulled me out of every pain and every death, and God is faithful.

I want to share a story with you from my life, this didn't solve my problems, I'm still working on them, but it was a step in the right direction.<br />
<br />
I have been suffering from issues of depression, low self esteem and sometimes even self hatred since early childhood, although the period which set things in stone was my addolescent years. I have always cycled, and have owned I think 7 bikes in my life time, 4 of which were stolen by my peers. I had been planning some kind of long-ish day ride for a long time when at the beginning of last year I saw a documentary about a comedian called eddie Izzard, you might have heard of this. He ran 48 marathons in 52 days. I was in awe. But it wasn't the inspirational bullshit that got to me, it was the amount of pain that he went through, which I found sort of glorious. I couldn't understand it, but I wanted to hurt, and burn for days on end, I wanted to run away from the suffocating and painfully comfortable life that I lead and break myself. I decided to do the famous cycle trip from Lands End to John O'groats. I raised money for a charity so that I had an answer to peoples questions about why I was doing it. I flirted with the Idea and put it off for months, before setting off woefully ill-equiped and untrained except for a little commuting in town and a night spent camping in my back garden at home. I set off with unrealisic aspirations and expectations, and really had no idea what it would entail. The first few days were a mixture of initial positivity and physical agony, but going back meant accepting what my life was like back at home, and I was not prepared to do that. After 2 days my body started rejecting junk food. If i ate chocolate, cakes, or sweet baked goods I would crash within half an hour. I felt sick the whole time and had diorehia, so I changed my diet, bought myself a cheap camping stove and started eating pasta every evening. A short time later my evening shower became more pleasurable and refreshing than any I had had at home, and even though I had no bed, no room, none of the creature comforts of home and used to have problems with insomnia, I would get to sleep within 10 minutes of my head hitting the pile of clothes I used as a pillow. I went through emotional cycles, I would go really far one day, then be tired the next and not make much progress, and feel horrible about it. I Would push myself too hard to go at a certain speed, then break down and start crying by the side of the road when It hurt and I wasn't strong enough to keep it up, which strangly enough would turn to anger and then determination. The emotional rollercoaster started to even out by about half way through the journey, and I started going to sleep and waking up earlyer naturaly to catch more of the daylight. The whole process of preparing and breaking down camp, cooking meals, washing clothes and planning my routes gradualy became a subtle pleasure, regardless of how cold or sore I was. I met some lovely people along the way, and realised how nice people can be, despite the fact that my social akwardness remained intact. By the time I reached scotland, and the last week of my trip, I didn't even care if I finished or not, the goal was an arbitrary landmark which gave me an excuse to express the pain I had always felt, and I had done that. Despite being the hardest and most challenging part of the trip I was relaxed. It was like nothing I had experienced before, I had always been stressed and I never even knew it. Fear of hunger, tiredness, pain and danger had no control over me. I felt like I had left myself behind. I had no idea where my next meal was coming from, where I would sleep each night, what the weather or terain would be like, I had only what I needed that day, and no plan beyond get to john O'Groats, but I was happy.<br />
<br />
The trip was not a solution to my problems, not even close, when I went home and once again surrounded myself with the things which kept me down, I started to feel depressed again, but it did give me some hope and energy to fight my deamons. I have also found myself drawing metaphores for life from it, which have helped me make important decisions, and keep myself on track. One of the striking realisations I made was that a lot of the numbness I felt in everyday life was due to avoidance behaviours which I developed to protect myself from the things I am scared of. I had never even considered the possiblity that emotional numbness was due to fear, after all fear is an emotion and numbness is a lack of emotion so how could they be linked?<br />
<br />
I hope this is helpfull to you, I don't think I have ever told anyone about the real motive for the journey before, but it feels fitting to tell someone who is going through similar things to me. My only piece of advice would be to find something which you can divert your focus completely on, and which will never be subject to the same pressures (or lack of) in your life. Something which can take you away from life for a bit every so often to recharge your batteries, because you will meet resistance if you try to change. Good luck, I'll be routing for you, and apologies if that was a bit of an essay.

I hate myself but briefly didn't think about the negative reading your "essay"...Thanks

It is not a matter of "why we feel this way", but how we have come to this point. The entire story I wrote (all 8 parts) explains how I got to this point. I did go to seek help, and the only thing offered to me was having medication rammed down my throat. I do not believe that will help me, It is my belief than therapy of some sort may be what I need. I can't speak for everyone else, as we all need to find our own solutions. After all this time, I feel the problem is not what is actuality, but what I believe. It is difficult to differentiate the two in my case. <br />
<br />
I know that things said and done can not be taken back. I do not mind the feedback, I encourage it, and thanks for listening. That lifts me up a bit....

I hate myself and this cycle of trying to fix it.

I'm amazed< i actually didnt know so many other poeple feel or have felt the same way I do about themselves... So thank you all for sharing. We're all in this together, maybe with that knowledge we can make it....

this is all so horrible. why do you all feel this way? why don't you seek professional help. there are people out there who do care. it breaks my heart to read all this. i care about all of you and don't even know you. i hate the fact that you are sitting at home feeling depressed, lonely and miserable. <br />
mind over matter. most of you said you had family and friends who care for you and love you and you are grateful for them. why don't you talk to them? is it hard? maybe it will make you feel better? there's no shame at all in having depression. NO SHAME.<br />
everyone needs to realize that they are valuable. you are all a valuable person to someone or more likely numerous people for that matter. you are all more than ******* worthy of a good life and derserve it. if you don't want to get help for yourself than get it for your family, kids, parents, grandparents, friends, etc.<br />
this life is too short to live this way.<br />
i want all of those who are reading this to know that i am not writing to criticize ANYONE. i am writing from the heart. it brought me to tears to read all this<br />
and this is not a case of "easier said than done" each of you can go and seek help somewhere. and you can do it for free! so don't use money as the issue for not seeking help.<br />
in the meantime do things that will raise your self esteem and ease your depression and anxiety. treat your body as a temple. dont drink, smoke, do drugs, eat ****** food, etc. eat right, drink lots of water, work out. it doesnt even have to be excessive work out. it can be 15 mintues of walking a day 3 times a week. <br />
<br />
keep me updated. and please do not take criticism to this

I once had a list like you describe, and the number reached over 1,000 before I gave up on it. Too much. It may be different for you, but it took me a long time to make peace with what I am, I wasn't going to off myself, there is no point in doing so. I no longer care what others think about me, most people outside of my home could care less. It is scary to look for someone who you can trust, and lay it all out, but people like that are out there. I started here at EP and threw out my story to everyone, people I didn't know, and it felt like a burden was lifted. I still have days where I am inconsolable, but there are people here who you can relate to. I am one of them, and by telling me a little bit, by me responding, and you reading this response, I hope a bit has been lifted as well. I wish you the best, and I'll be around....

I know you want an answer, u want a happy ending. but i personally dont know either. I hate myself aswell . I have loving family and friends, im grateful for everyone and everything around me. This is why i cant understand why i hate myself so much. i do have my reasons and thoughts- ive even made lists but i need someone to talk to. I told one friend almost everything and i trusted them so much. but its not their fault that their parents overheard our conversation, i dont think i can talk to them about this anymore. I dont know what else to do. if i cant talk to that only friend who do i talk to? at times im happy but at others i scare myself from my hatred - so much that i shake. It seems that apart of me hates me, and the other is slowly getting beat down and broken. does that make any sense?<br />
I know i need help, or atleast someone to talk to - but how do i get it without my parents finding out? they'd blame themselves and none of it is their fault. <br />
I'm so lost and confused about myself and what to do. <br />
<br />
please help, <br />

Glad you finally got it all out. I can relate to a lot of what you have said and I hope for the best for you. I don't really know what else to say. Just know that you aren't alone, I hope for the best for you and everyone else that has those days where they can't stand the face in the mirror.

As I said to a friend here on EP happily ever after does not happen in real life. Your life or mine for that matter are not exemption.<br />
<br />
I can relate especially with that vicious cycle “If I hate myself, then I feel bad. If I feel bad, then I am not happy. If I am not happy, then I must be sad. If I am sad, then I will cry. When I cry, I hate myself more”.<br />
In my case, I hate myself for among other things, crying and shaking when my anger get out of hand. I should beat the hell out of someone or breaking everything in my path but I only cry like a damn little boy. That really get me off the roof and when I feel like that, I want to end it all. No courage either what a piece of %&$@ I have become.<br />
<br />
Anyway, your story do not end here you still have more chapters to write. As the years pass and perhaps by writing about it you will find at least one thing that you like about yourself. I have found one or two in the last 20 years so give it a shot.

Believe me, you don't want to go around breaking things when your anger gets out of control. I sometimes wish I could cry instead. I rarely actually breaks things, but I sometimes damn near break myself.

I guess hope is the only thing I do have left. Maybe someday I can break the chain. But no, I won't give up completely.

Yes i can relate to you, I find ways to try and make it better, but it never gets there. I end up back where i started! But to have the ability to try and get to that place says a lot for us! don't give up trying. You may surprise yourself........