I'm a Waste of Life

I used to go to a really good school. The kind of school people dream about going to.  I had plenty of friends, did well with girls, and partied a lot. I never went to class and never studied but I got by. My GPA was average. From moment to moment, I was having a good time. But every time I sat down and thought about my life, I was disgusted by myself. So one night, on a whim, I told all of my roommates that I had decided to transfer. I called home, made up a sob story, and the next day I dropped out of school and flew home.

Now I go to a very mediocre school. Its not bad but certainly not something that jumps out at you on a resume. I live alone, I don't talk to anyone unless I absolutely have to. People are nice to me and I rebuff them. I haven't so much as hugged a girl since my old school, about 8 months ago. I'm not even attracted to girls anymore. I haven't turned gay, I just have no desire to be close to anyone. I'm not attracted to anyone. I still find certain girls pretty, but that longing to go meet them and get to know them is completely gone. I treat a beautiful girl the same way I treat everyone else, with complete indifference bordering on rudeness. 

I don't care about anything. Life is just a stupid game to me. If I lose all my old friends, it doesn't matter. If I transfer to a new school where I don't know anyone, it doesn't matter. I don't care about girls, school, friends, my family, or even myself.Today I had a test, and I could have gotten a 100 on it, but I answered the last question wrong. It was a real question, and I knew the answer, but it had one joke answer, my teacher's name. I stared at it for a few minutes and then put that answer. I've never done that before. 

I hate everyone that I know and everyone that I see. I can't help but pick apart every word that I hear and silently mock any and all mistakes made by whoever I hear. Sometimes I sit in my room and feel lonely, but I don't know what I want. I know I don't want companionship, because I can no longer stand being around anyone. But the feeling is still there, and I do nothing to act upon it.

Most of all, I hate myself. I am slowly but surely ruining my own life with my apathy, and it sickens me. I am the biggest waste of life on this planet. I can't stand myself, but at the same time I can never escape myself.

johnnyrockett johnnyrockett
18-21, M
6 Responses Sep 18, 2009

hey i really think you should get some help. some councelling even. I think it owuld really help. There wouldnt be any harm in trying

Here is a link to a Free Personal Development Audio Book - I hope you can gain something from it :-)

i too feel lonely. I dont have any interest over anything. I ve never felt this way before. I feel im a waste and useless. I dont ve touch wid my friends. I dunno wat to do,,,,,,,,PLS HELP ME .Tis is my number 9629999253

i know exactly how you feel.. i stopped trying at everything when i was about 16 because i found it easier to be mediocre...people leave you alone when you are just average ... now i am nowhere near where i wanted to be in life and its killing me.. worst of all, its too late for me to change

I'm sorry that you feel this way. :( I am (obviously) not a psychology expert, or any kind of expert. But here goes what I think...<br />
<br />
I think that you are undergoing a major change in your life. I think that, one day, you suddenly woke up somehow. I think you're desperately looking for some inspiration - some direction - some purpose - in your life. I think you're miserable and you hate yourself because you haven't found it yet. You're at a fork in the road, and you don't know which one you want to go down in in your life. <br />
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If I were you, I would seek to join some group that involves people. It doesn't matter what kind you join. It can be a volunteer environmental club, a group that helps homeless people, a group that is dedicated to ending poverty/sex trade/world hunger, a group that is dedicated to helping suicidal people/ at-risk children learn how to read - *anything*. This may sound completely stupid to you, and I could completely understand if it did, lol. But the worst that can happen is you hate it, quit, and things go back to where you are right now. <br />
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I hope this helps, johnnyrockett.

oh poor child don't worry I have good news for you. I am high as a kite, and I no that despite what you might feel, I think that it is quite imposible for you to be the worst person in the world. I don't even think your a bad man. You just seem lonly, and misunderstood.... kinda cliche. Your supiriority complex is only masked by your inferiority complex. You werent happy at your big school cause you felt like you were living a lie, but you were surounded by people who took your mind off of it. Now your all alone and you have to face yourself, and i bet that person you see in the mirror isn't that cool. He's probably pretty sad, lonly, and just wants to be loved. Just remember it's only when you have lost everything that you are free to do anything. Thats from fight club, i dont know if this helped but meh.