My Crappy Little Story...

Now this will probably be longer than it should, so if you don't want to listen to a bunch of nonsense feel free to divert your attention elsewhere.


Simply put I hate myself. I hate every last thing about myself. I've always felt alone, and even at a young age I'm already realizing that I will most likely never have a significant other, and to be honest I don't think I'll ever have a real girlfriend. There's probably something wrong with me, just today my friend got a leather jacket. So now, just because he reminds me of my step dad when he wears it, I sit around and just can't help but give him all sorts of ****. I call him a douchebag mostly, and it's weird that I'd do all this just because he reminds me of my step dad when he wears the jacket. I hate my step dad almost as much as I hate myself.

I hate myself for my emotions... I've been known to mask things such as sadness and depression with anger. Anger is like a drug for me, I'm completely hooked on it, and as much as I might want to quit, I just can't bring myself to do it. I hate how I look, and that makes me angry. I hate how I sound, so that makes me angry. And when I get angry, I get enraged about how stupid it is to be angry about nothing and then concentrate all my rage onto myself. I'm a horrible person. I've been told that I'm a great listener by many people who are having a hard time... though the only thing I notice is that after a while all I want to do is shake them and scream something like "YOU HAVE NO IDEA". Then of course that idea makes me feel selfish... so I try to overcompensate by being nice and trying to help people even more. The thing I've noticed is that I love helping people, but I can't seem to get my own ego out of the way. All I want to do is get the chance to be the one venting for once. But the only issue with that is that I've been conditioned to believe that if I let myself be exposed I'll create a weak spot so they can attack me. I hate myself even more for all of that.

I guess coming on here was really just a leap of faith... and really this is just a small list of why I hate myself. I just think that this is as far as I can go. I'm posting this mainly because I'm extremely depressed and I'm not going to go see a shrink because that will always look bad on your records for certain jobs... and those certain jobs are the ones I want to partake in. Example being: Military Service.


Thanks for the room to vent...

McDef McDef
1 Response Feb 7, 2010

you are a good man!! and i think you don't hate yourself but rather you feel lonely and that can go away.