Reject By Choice!, Wonder If I Am Happy In My Misery??

i wish someone would come and save me, there are thing that i know and understand, i wonder if ppl feel like me...

i feel so powerless, i got in the best arts colleg in my country and yet it all came to nothing, m in my last year in economics and my life is far from being settled. i don't know jack about what m gonna do after this. in my colg i met a girl and she was everything i could have asked for and it didn't happen for me and i wasn't exactly "broken"..... but i took shelter under the cape of indifference, i didn't go to clases and stoped talking to my classmates... i always looked down upon them and didn't give two ***** about there opinion.. started smoking then heavily drinking and eventually smoking up.. lol and i thought i did'nt need anyone to keep me company coz they were all a bunch of idiots who thought that the are so ******* great coz the;ve made it to this "prestigious" college and they should be hailed as the smartest lot in the country..... and as it turn out these were just my perceptions and they are all very reasonable people..  my ego shatered to pieces and it should have been a good event, but instead i became even more indifferent, i barely passed my univ's exam......... and even though i've realised that there are so many people that are more intelligent than me and there are people that i can really learn from.... i continue to live my life as a shut in doing ablsolutely nothing...... as days pass by on and on and on and i know that its not too late and if i start to worry about my career now i can still come half way to something decent but if i do so then i would also have to acknowledge that i was wasting my time all along and i could have done well in the subjects i opted at the beggining of the college. and the constant denial and escapng from the reality it what has taken over me and i don't think i can save myself.... even today when i see that girls face i wonder if it was really her fault... was it only my fault?????
 how can it be my fault, i wasted my parents money and i lie to them all the time about how everything is going so well and they are so ******* proud of their son..   people are not responsible for their actions, we cannot choose our thoughts and so its not my fault i did npot ruin my life and i am so ******* pissed at everyonr trying to tell me i am to be blamed for my own situation.... somebody pls take my blame, if i had some faith then i would have blamed god  for all of this but i know he doesn.t exist.......

either i hate the universe or i hate myself.............  and the worst part is that somewhere deep inside even i know that it can be my ignorance. my arrogance..................................
 but humans can't be responsible either, we are not ******* perfect....

there is one thing that i am sure about..... i hate every single waking minute  of this life.........!

swasti swasti
18-21, M
Feb 9, 2010