Resentful •••••••

I am a person that's very pleasant to meet at first, albeit kind of weird. I work at a grocery store as a cashier at the moment and I am 22 years old. Not a good place to be, I know. I have been married for close to 4 years. I love my wife very much, as well as my parents and other family. I started having problems with anger as a young teenager. Before that I was always very calm and passive. I can still put up that facade, but it breaks away more as you know me better. My sister (older by about 5 years) always abused me physically and mentally. My parents tried to be good ones but they were always too detached. They have all lost their tempers very easily. There was lots of screaming and fighting in the house. My parents were always glued to the television and I was occupied with video games. Before I was born my dad drank a lot. He doesn't do an type of substances anymore. I, however, smoke cigarettes and pot (my mother smokes cigs). I started the both of these things as a way to calm down which was a mistake as it just makes me feel worse about myself. My sister started taking pills as an older teenager and progressed to harder drugs, eventually becoming a prostitute. I hardly ever see her and both of her two boys(from different men) are being raised by other family. My parents have the older, age 9. I married someone I was best friends with through high school. We still have a sweet love and I don't want that to change because she hates me. I tried committing suicide a few times and have threatened many more times for attention. The closest I came was having half a bottle of caffeine pills in my mouth. I was never very popular in school, probably because of my low confidence. I think I am attractive although at my lows I think I am hideous. I try hard to control my emotions but I always seem to miss the line where it is no longer okay to act the way I am. Before I got better control of myself I would break and throw things, punch holes through the wall, berate, the list goes on. I just can't seem to stop myself when I get going. I am of above average intelligence but below average social mingling skills and sometimes I wish it were the other way around. I've tried strangling myself with a guitar string, stabbing myself with knives, walking into traffic. I really hate myself. I am no longer prone to suicidal tendencies but that can always change. Should I seek therapy?
Mentalblock Mentalblock
22-25, M
Feb 11, 2010