I Hate Myself

Ever since I was little, I've always thought of myself as expendable. Whenever my mom would shout at me, I would lie down on my bed at night making plans on how to run away or how to kill myself. I would imagine how I would go down the stairs, enter the kitchen and take my grandmother's favorite knife into my hands and cut my wrists or stab myself directly into my heart. I would imagine how I would take out my favorite backpack, fill it with clothes, take some money from my father's wallet and leave home forever. I've been doing this since I was eight.

 

I've never given myself much importance. I've always felt that everyone around me would be much better off if I wasn't there. I think that I'm just a big burden to everyone and that everybody's lives would improve if only I wasn't around. 

 

Therefore, I have never been "myself" around anyone before. There many "me's" that are present in the world. There's the me at home, the me at school, the me at my dormitory, the me at church and so on. There are so many me's that I don't even know who is the real one anymore. And that's why I hate myself.

 

I hate myself for being Me. I don't like me. I hate me. I'm selfish, ignorant, rude, perverse, stupid, slow, fat, obese. proud, evil, judgmental, forgetful, grudge-holding, uncaring, insensitive, tactless. I'm everything that I hate.

porkyupayn porkyupayn
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 14, 2010

Awww!! Don't hate yourself!! :-(