Thoughts And Reality

It would be stupid to wish that I could be someone else, because the truth is, I just can't. Yes, I do hate myself, I hate what happened to me in the past, and I don't want to live if I have to be me. It used to be okay, I mean, I was young, it was okay to be me, but now, it's just not. I could go on and on about wanting to be someone else, but I know that it is impossible, so all I think about is getting away from me, meaning killing myself. I know that it is not a good thing, I know that it not the RIGHT thing, but the truth is, I am scared to live as me, I don't trust myself, I hate being alone, I hate to think what I could do to myself. Trust me, I am not an attention seeker, I don't go around blurting out stuff like this, I keep it hidden, no-one that knows me has a clue about this. I have depression which only makes things worse, but the strange thing is, I don't even know if I WANT to try and change who I am, because I am always just going to be me, that's never going to change...

hurtandpain hurtandpain
18-21, F
7 Responses Feb 16, 2010

I've always wondered why depression makes a person feel so 'trapped'. I now realize that is really the perfect word to describe it. The part that annoys me is when people tell you to 'snap out of it', it's not like we have a hidden key that we can pull out of our pocket anytime and escape from our mind, coz we are trapped, just plain trapped. And I guess thats why society treats us differently, coz to them we are just like trapped animals, and they try to 'feed' us without getting their fingers bitten off. But we are not animals, we are just like everyone else except for being a little bit behind...

Yeah, It is way easier on here to share things

I think I understand. You're in a more difficult spot than I am. I don't feel trapped in the theater at all, except by my own willpower. That would make things extremely difficult to deal with. I'm sorry things are so extremely hard. I do respect you for trying to make it better

Well, even if you don't blurt it out to everyone, like you said, sometimes it helps to blurt it out anonymously like here on EP. I for one have found it far easier to share stories and feelings here that I would never be able to in my "real" life. Will it make everything 100% better? Perhaps not, but every little bit helps. :) Just keep talking.

BuildingSomethingOutOfNothing, yeah, that's how it feels, but sometimes it more like I'm being held captive in the theatre, there so much to sit through, to think about, one thing after another<br />
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Frostbitten, I am already talking to someone but it's not getting any better

that is what depression does to u,makes u not care about anything.i get that way alot as do others on this site.talking to someone may help,if so i would be happy to

I feel the same way. I usually phrase the feeling as "watching myself exist." It doesn't feel like there's much to control, but I still have to just watch myself go through this existence in the way that I always have and always will, even if I don't like it. Like going to a movie alone and realizing about fifteen minutes into it that you are really going to hate it. Have you ever seen a movie that was almost painful to sit through, because it was so bad? But you didn't leave because you paid for it already and you might as well sit through it until the end. Or at least, that's what I do. And that's how I see it. Waiting until the end versus getting up and walking out. The only difference is that when you leave a movie theater, you can go find something else to do. When you leave existence.. well I mean, who knows? Nothingness.