My Own Worst Enemy

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm tired of doubting him. I'm wrong for this. Why can't I just let my guard down and let someone who really cares for me in? I hate myself because I feel that I will never trust someone enough to love. I think I will be alone for most of my life, I push good people away. I blame them for someone else's mistakes.I cry at night sometimes because my insecurity prevents me from enjoying my life like I should. I hate what I am. I hate that it's ME standing in the way of my own happiness. Who is there really to blame but myself?....I let it get to me,..the pain....the hurt...consume me. I don't deserve for anyone to waste time on me. Why should they...? I'll just doubt their feelings for me. I'll get cold and isolate myself from them. They wonder what they did wrong, when really it's ALL ME........I'm the one with the problems...the issues. I'm the one that speaks of wanting to be Loved but then runs away from it as soon as it comes knocking. There are the days I spend all day with him, I enjoy them greatly, but then all of a sudden it hits me. It makes me nervous, second guess myself, and my relationship. It screams "What are you doing?..Back off!...Your getting to involved...". I start panicking and just want to get away. I'm hurting myself either way....if I feel that I'm setting myself up to get hurt in a relationship....or If I let my insecurity prevent me from being in a relationship. So which is...I can't have it both ways. I want to TRUST, I want to be LOVED, I want to be HAPPY! How can I get rid of trust issues, their killing me. They have a hold on me. They don't want to go away. I want them gone, but I can't shake them free. Will I be held prisoner forever?

Rougejigga Rougejigga
22-25, F
Feb 22, 2010