I Hate Myself For What I Did To Others

I always felt that I came to this world as a mistake, a burden. I know that my family loves me, which makes it even harder. I always imagined how different and improved my family's life would be if I just disappeared one day. Everything will be back to normal. Because of me, their life was changed and altered to the worst. I know that deep down they do blame me for everything, which tortures me. I wish I can find a way to erase myself from their lives. The words that my sister said a few years ago, that I will be the reason for the downfall of this family, still ring in my ears till this day. I worked so hard to prove her wrong, but I guess it was my destiny, and for that, I hate myself. I became broken from the inside, just a shell of myself, breathing, eating, sleeping and putting on a front. I learned how to smile when I am crying in the inside, how to be enthusiastic, when I just want to crawl under a rock, to be funny when I am sad, and it drains me. I just want for all this to end, to just wake up one day and discover it was all a dream, or even to suddenly cease to exist.

ransha ransha
26-30, F
5 Responses Feb 23, 2010

Thank you again for your comment. And just to let you know, I do live in the "real world", and if you even go and see how often I post in this place you will know that I don't often blog. You know nothing about my life, or what I went through, I use these blogs for a way for me to vent, to really express what I feel, because I know that I will not be "judged" here. Sometimes when you just get it out there and out of your system, it makes you feel better. Again, thanks for your advice, I know you mean well.

So, you felt this way before your mother died? You need to get counseling sister. Find your heart. It's not out here ... this isn't what's going to be real for you. Get off the blogs and into the real world or it will never change for you. Do you truly WANT it to change? I do , for you. And for your mother. I work at that in real life, not just "out here" too. I wish you hope. I wish change for your. With love. LN

Thank you all, It is good not to feel alone in this. It just gets so hard some times that I can't hold it in any more, that is why I let it out. I depend on the support of people like you, so thanks again.

that is so true <br />
but hon, its good to talk<br />
its so good to get it all out<br />
so never hold it in<br />
or it will just grow<br />
and<br />
grow becoming uglyr and uglyr<br />
so talk<br />
and let it all out

welcome to the club,i know its a sad club to join but your not alone