I'm so tired of living this lie.

I literally hate everything about me - Both inside and out.

I spend hours on end stairing at myself in the mirror, yet i DESPIZE mirrors and go out of my way to avoid them in public.

When I'm alone , I sit infront of my mirror day dreaming about all the plastic surgery I would get If only I hit the Jackpot.

I spend the little money I get on make up, I use gallons of it desperatley trying to become un-recognizable, trying not to look like the monster I actually am.

I'm constantly having to wear Jackets / Long sleeved shirts to cover up my GINOURMOUS arms and scars of self harm on my wrists.

I'm 20years old and wear the same styled under-wear my grandmother wears in hopes of minimizing my disgusting belly that looks as though im 20months over-due pregnant.

It is so exhausting trying to keep up this facade, but I fear if anyone was to see my actual skin they would drop dead.

I want nothing more then to just " let it all hang out " but even the thought is causing my heart to race.

The guilt makes me feel sick to my stomach , yet i would rather die then have someone see me for the hideous creature i am underneath it all.

( Not that I am remotley good looking with the make up or anything , so me without it would cause people to be so disgusted it's offensive. )

I hate myself so much, I really don't know what to do.

I've had numerous Jobs but have quit them all within weeks because I seriously feel like my appearance disturbs my collegues and customers.

I'm start a Travel N Tourism course in the next 2 weeks which is going to cost me over 15grand and I already feel like quiting it.

I'm so scared and depressed, I haven't slept in days yet I've been in bed the entire time

None of my "friends" have seen me for who I really am and I've never had a BF as I fear if they saw the actual me they would spit at my face and I would never hear from them again.

I know I never use to feel like this, and I never use to wear make up and guys would still like me.

I refuse to put this down to the traumatic rape i experienced when I was 15 even though co-incidently after I was raped I began to hate myself.

My doctor tried to inform me I have BDD - however I 100% don't beileve her because I know for a fact I have gotten uglier since the rape, I've gained weight, My face has turned into that of an Aliens and I never had these pathetic scars.


I don't know what to do, I hate myself for being so pathetic and useless, I can't keep a Job, I've never had a BF, I get really drunk and sleep with Dirty OLD Men just to make myself feel wanted but afterwards I feel even more disgusted which leads to hating myself more. I can't look anyone in the eye (sober) in fears of them realising how hideous I am, I can't sleep, I'm constantly on edge that someone is going to see me without my make up on so have began sleeping in it and sleeping in a sweater even though It's Summer time and boiling hot.






FckMyLife FckMyLife
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

I dont know what to say that might make you feel better about yourself. And, since I am a man, you will probably not trust my thoughts anyway but I will say this regardless. <br />
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I can see you are hurting.....I can see that the rape was the primary center of it......I can see that it has caused great deep injury to you......But....only you can change must want it and I believe your reaching out here is a good start. <br />
<br />
Your outer beauty is very apparent. The fact that your body may not be perfect means absolutey nothing....none of us are. <br />
<br />
There are people here who care. And who can understand you deeply. You need to link up with some of those Women here who can help. Stay away from the men as you will not know if they have alternative motives. <br />
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It wont be easy can do it.