Why So Blue

I had a pretty normal childhood.  I always felt as though my father loved my sister more than me, but never actually realized it until i was thirteen.  That's when my father left my mom for her best friend.  My life was turned upside down.  My mother went on a downward spiral and I came tumbling after.  Everything she was feeling I felt just as strong.  I attempted suicide but my mother caught me with the pills.  She got me help.  I was fine for about ten years.  I got married and life was good.  Then I lost my first child and it sent me spiraling again.  When I got pregnant with my second child I was so scared and cautious.  But then I had him and I didn't even want him.  I started taking medicine and going to counseling again.  The counselors just looked at me like seriously, why are you here.  I just wanted someone to hear my story.  I just wanted someone to tell me I'm ok.  Now here I am on this path of self destruction.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about different ways.  Ways that my husband or son wouldn't have to find me, or my family.  Just ways.  It frightens me really.  Am I capable of doing something so drastic as to end my life.  I feel that my son would be better off without me because of my depression.  All I do is nag and cry.  I don't feel like a good mother, but I don't have the energy or will to do any better.  All I do is wake up, go to work, and go to bed.  I get angry if something is out of order.  I'm just an angry person.  I hate who I've become.  I've always been the clown.  It's easier to get the attention away from my flaws if people are laughing with me and not at me.  But lately I can't even do that right.  I just walk around in a fog.  I am scared that one day I will snap, but then I think it's supposed to happen that way.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Thanks for reading this.  Any advice is appreciated

osufanatic osufanatic
26-30, F
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

Thank you! Those words really helped me. I know I do need to let it go. He pops up in my life and tears me back down all the time. You have an amazing way with words. You really know how to say it in just the right way. Thank you so much!!