I Feel Like Myself Is A Stranger That I Don't Want To Be

I used to be a pro at writing artful posts about my torture on message boards.  but unfortuanely my consiousness feels dull and limited now, more than ever before.  I used to feel surreal, like I wasn't me, before that I just hated myself. now i feel like my self concept is a trap in which i feel no connections to a greater surreality, just a clamp on nothingness in a disgusting body that i don't want anything to do with, not just because it is mine, because it is human, and i despise humaness.  i despise the human body. especially feet.  i despise the concept of person.  i don't think that i am a person, nor do i want  to be one.  once i had this experience that felt lucid in which i was someone that  i was a thousand years ago, like for a moment i was actually myself. but then she went away.  i have had spiritual revelations where i think i feel God and peace and euphoric sensations but they never last.  I feel like a worthless piece of trash.  a speck conscious of its own limited consiousness going nowhere, meaning nothing , a consiousness with a squeeky voice it can't stand that hates to be anything but doesn't want to be nothing.  I feel ashamed of myself, like i am a despicable sin that doesn't deserve relief.  i feel that jesus doesn't think that i deserve to be saved.  i have hateful thoughts towards others.   i yell silently in my head obscenitys at strangers.  i feel a deep despair over the fact that i cannot sing, that is i suck at it, even though i loved too.  i no longer love to because when i sing to myself it sometimes sounds okay but then i listen to it on a recorder and it sounds like screeching.  i have a friend who is kind to me, but my thoughts often do not know how to percieve him and insult his voice, his personality and face.  then i feel guilty and ashamed and feel i don't deserve life.  i hate my own face, personality and voice.  i used to think i could be a writer but i have nothing to write. i am no longer as skilled at expressing my self as i used to be, which i thought was my only skill.........oh yeah about my self as a stranger.... i feel like everything about me is this thing that doesn't even belong to me, that i don't even want.  i feel like my real self is better but asleep and i am barred from it, sometimes i question that it's even there.   maybe it was a self that i was a thousand years ago, maybe i just hallucinated false hope.  i am not even sure who is being allowed to write this.......if myself is a stranger that i don't want to be...there must be some other me underneath that self...........?

existfreak existfreak
26-30, F
Mar 2, 2010