Why I Hate Me.

despite hating myself, i want to make one thing clear: i am not 'emo', not am i doing this for attention. I genually hate myself. I am in love with the most amazing girl i have ever met, yet i cannot trust her. she has done nothing to lose my trust, but i have a hard time letting her go off and get drunk. furthermore, i'm insecure as hell and, despite being complimented and so forth, i still find myself repulsive. I get jealous of every guy she comes in contact with. The fact that i get so jealous of them, and how i can't just let her make her own decisions, makes me hate myself. well, and i'm lazy and unmodivated, and a constant disappointment to my parents. I truly hate myself.

winglessangel winglessangel
18-21, M
3 Responses Mar 8, 2010

I can't say my attitude is fake. I do truly love her. Up until then I actually trusted her completely. However I had a searing suspicion that she would, The kids (who were also good friends) she normally hangs out with are stoners. A good group of guys and girls, but stoners nonetheless. It always seemed as though she wanted to do it, and every time she came close I was able to talk her out of it. However, every time she got closer and closer and even though she says she never plans on doing it again because of how it affected me I am worried that she will go back to it. I know she enjoyed it and it was only me who ruined it for her. Which is yet another reason I hate myself, for ruining all the good things she has. Regardless, I still love her and will probable continue to until the end of time (or until my sanity is shattered and I kill myself haha).As for the physicality I think the best (and most cliche) solution would be to talk to her about it and see if she responds. I have spoken with my girlfriend a few times about how she is with other men. She is aware of what she does and actively works to correct and catch herself. Though she hasn't completely changed her effort and concern gives me reason to invest trust in her.

i know what you mean. when my girlfriend got high (she promised me she wouldn't because i lost my best friend to drug addiction), i went ballistic. what kills me is that i had no reason to be upset. she did it with close friends, and nothing happened. she was fine. i hate myself because i can't seem to trust her, even though she did nothing to lose my trust. i hide my jealousy and lack of trust with my flowery words and fake upbeat attitude.

I completely understand what you are saying, the one time my girlfriend got high she did so with other men. I was scared shitless. I have lost almost all of my good friends to drugs, and was worried the event would send things spiraling downward. That night was the only night I have ever had to call a suicide hotline. It wasn't until I beheld her in tears over what she had done that I began to start to trust her again. Fear still lingers within me because of that. She is also (in my eyes) very physical with other men, which has caused me a substantial amount of worry, jealousy, and hatred. These factors are not what has caused me to hate myself and I know the only reason I have not killed myself is because she has made me promise not to