I Cannot Stand Myself. I Hope I Die In My Sleep.

 This is hard to write, but I need to release it. I am going to school for a master's degree, but I am so pathetically socially inept it is just an abomination. I am really not that great looking, that bothers me every waking moment of my life. I cannot hang out in groups because I cannot talk to anyone. People are discussing history or science, I cannot interject my two cents because I know nothing about anything that anybody cares about. My only motivation for learning about them would be to talk to people, but I cannot retain information to save my life. I read it and it's forgotten. The only good thing about myself is my sense of humor. I may be the funniest person who ever lived, but the clown is crying inside. I resent that that is all I am to anybody. I need love just like anyone, but I cannot find it. I can't go up to women because I have no confidence. My standards are pretty high for my own looks and I refuse to deviate from them, as I will be miserable with someone I am not attracted to. If they are gorgeous and don;t have the personality, they are out as well, so I only have about 10% of the population to work with. Of course I am not good looking myself so I don't deserve these standards. My lack of confidence and looks keeps me strictly in the friend zone with women I would love to date, but I refuse to be their friends because that is not what I want. On the other end, I abhore most males as they either annoy me or threaten me by being better looking or more confident. I don't care to even attempt to talk to them because everyone is getting ahead except me. I know the problem is me. All of this has led to a misanthropic attitude. I hate most people for no reason, but relent once they prove themselves worthy or not a threat. I cannot stand children and hate the noise they make. I find babies repellant in every way, yet I adore animals and am sweet to the elderly. I wish I wasn't like this. I might be the most terrible person ever born. My family doesn't know how incorrigible I am. They love me and I love them, but it breaks my heart that if they knew the real me they would hate me too. I try to broach these subjects with the 2 or 3 friends I have managed to keep and see the disturbed look in their eyes when they hear, so I usually don't share. I have dated and had sex with several girls, but I only ever loved one. She had problems, but I probably drove her off and I lost her. I have been damaged beyond repair ever since. I hope I die in my sleep every night. Nobody knows how dark my soul is. I so wish it was different. I haven't had any physical contact with a woman in almost a year. I don;t see that changing as long as I am the way I am, and I don't see myself changing without a lobotomy. I should just die. I hope I do. Nobody is as terrible as I am, and I hate myself for it. I hate what I am and how if anyone knew the real me I would be ostracized. Nobody could love what I am, not even my own mother if she knew. I wish that I could change and be normal. I wish I could be worthy of love.

TheEvilLeaper TheEvilLeaper
26-30, M
1 Response Mar 8, 2010

FH are you sure you are being rational? Use your brain - do you think it makes sense to feel this way? :)<br />
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I suggest you seek a professional so you can come to understand with what is making you feel this way. Its not healthy and its not right. Prayer can help a great deal as well.<br />
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As for your shyness and self-confidence in particular, just remember this, please:<br />
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**** YOU ARE A STAR OF A SPECIAL COLOR. SHARE YOU LIGHT **** :) :) :)<br />
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Good Luck U Deserve That! :)