Know Myself

I know who I am. I know what I fear. I know where I come from. I still have a deep seated and unabated hatred for myself. I am a horrible person. I am a horrible, selfish, ungrateful, and spoiled daughter, a horrible sister that tormented their brother by teasing, and now I am a horrible wife that nags, yells, and isn't understanding. I am also a horrible mother as I yell at my kids and don't spend as much time with them as I should. I know I should spend more time with them but am so tired after work and they just have so much energy it's even more tiring. I just want to cut. I want to feel the warm slice of my knife across my hand. I sometimes feel the need to just finish off the entire bottle of codine that I have and just sleep forever. I smoke sometimes its a form of slow suicide. I am told that I am not horrible so why can't I believe it. I hate myself so so very much sometimes. It's not physical features that I hate. I hate my weakness. I am weak. I am weak when I cut, take pills, and smoke and I hate myself a little more.

knownNotself knownNotself
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Hi,<br />
<br />
I feel the same way as you. I hate myself, everything in me is imperfect and I wish I was never born. <br />
I am a horrible person. I am selfish and full of hatred...<br />
<br />
You are the the only one who feel this way.

How can you hate your self when you are a mother who has a role to play and a reason to be alive why put your self through the pain you are,if people are telling you that you are not horrible then why would they go out of their way to tell you that if it was not the case,please think of your children and those around you who need you,we are all here for a reason i think the fact you feel you are not around much for your children is playing a big part but you have said you work and without you working how would you pay for all the things your children need,and i am sure they understand you would be around more if you was not at work so much,just stop and think before you let go,the damage it would do to your loved ones if you did let go and the pills took your life.

so lovely a lady,i see your text with heaviest mood, it will be ok if you know why i send the text to you.only love can overcomes hatred.you can live in a peaceful and lovable life if you have love.only jesus christ can be your resource of love forever.forgive me if you are angry with me.but i still love you and pray for you in every daily life.