Beyond That....i'm Not Worth Saving

After years of health problems, I've been a burden on my family.  Just the cost of my medical bills has nearly broken this family.  This isn't just about money.  I've been through six surgeries and a bout with cancer.  I've been placed in three different psychiatric units and I don't ever want to be in another.  I've learned not to talk about suicidal thoughts, plans or anything that I've done.  Talking has only landed me in a psych ward.  I have a psychiatrist and I asked to be released from her care, but i needed to be under another doctor in order to stop with my doctor.  I had tried to find another doctor, but after they see my medical history, I always seem to get rejected.  The same old story.  "I've can't help you, you need to stay with your psychiatrist".  It's so degrading that doctors can do this.  They can pick and choose their patients.  For me, no one wants me.  Hate?  I just want to go.  But after years of being under a psychiatrist, she would be asked to release my records if I had completed my goal.  I failed twice and I'm angry that I'm still here.  I've so stupid.  I know what I need to do, but my doctor would be in a pickle.  I just want to die without leaving a mess.  I don't really want to be in therapy and have to talk about what I'm doing.  I'm not interested in stopping these feelings.  I think about being dead nearly every day.  For me, it's not about how, it more about when.  Hate?  No, I want this life to be done.  I think I had enough.  I would also be saving my family the huge finanical burden and they don't need to be worried about what is going to happen next.

It's so frustrating.  I worry about my wishes being carried out.

chrisfromca chrisfromca
36-40, M
1 Response Mar 15, 2010

i dont really know what to say except your situation is really sad. i would feel horrible if i were sick or dying and all i could think about was what a burden i am on my family. it's not your fault your sick, neither mentally or physically. dont you realize that at all? you didnt choose depression and you didnt choose cancer. I would never expect you to be sunshine and roses about life, considering i obviously joined this group for my own reason and i can relate to hopelessness, but you gotta be at least a little realistic and see that you're not responsible for cancer. and if you're family think youre a burden, then they're sort of ********. seriously, it's not all you. you're not the problem. this ****** up society that perpetually chews people like us up and spits us out is to blame in many cases. Either way, I hope you get some relief, and I hope it's not through suicide.