Why I Hate Myself.
The thing is, I really have noone else to blame but myself. I am a product of my own choices.
When I was 16 I started dating this girl. I was young, exited to have a girlfriend, and fairly certain how a relationship was supposed to work.
Where my misconceptions about dating and how relationships go came from I dont really know. I suppose mostly they came from what Id seen on tv and movies. picture perfect romances. All of lifes problems neatly fixed in a half to full hour. Though, what I didnt know at the time was that she had a condition called Borderline Personality Disorder.
Ignorance of lifes grim acutalities made me think that it was a noble cause to try and make a teenage relationship last forever. Especially the first one lasting more than 3 weeks!
And so I perservered. I loved her. Through anything. All the cutting, which scarred her arms, legs, thighs. All at age 16.
Still I perservered, loving her, even when we were seperated by long distance, for our college experiences. To contrast them, hers were spent closed up in her dorm room waiting for correspondance from me, while I partied and had fun with friends. Girls were everywhere. I was popular. All the while I kept true to her. I never touched another girl. For a year we were seperated, from ages 17 to 18. I kept my oath to her.
Then she attempted suicide for the first time.
I remember being overjoyed that she was coming home. It wasnt till later that it hit me. Didint she want to be with me too? didint she love me too? didnt she want a life togeather too? After a while she was home I asked her about it. She told me it didnt work like that. I didnt understand. She told me nearly daily......
I wish I was dead.
I had such zeal for life. What do you say to that? how can you be supportive? how do you accept it? what are you supposed to think?
Well... one perserveres. You push forward because thats what youve convinced yourself is right and good. You keep on loving her because you feel like she is the only one who will ever love you..... If she loves you....... If she doesnt want to die more.....
So life goes on.. We deal with the attempt, she moves back in with her parents and goes to a local college. Meanwhile, my family coincidentally moves just a few blocks away.
These are the good days. From ages 19 to 23 we live 4 blocks from each other. we live with our parents. We see each other every day. We date like most normal people, I suppose. We talk about the future we talk about marriage. I suppose you could say things are getting very serious.................. They are.
I am deeply in love. I want all the greatest things in the world for her. I have decided I will do what it takes to help her. I listen to her darkest thoughts, I will do anything for her.
She still is depressed. That is one thing that never really changed. She still occasionally tells me she wishes she were dead. I still support her.
I begin to notice that we are very very different people. I still love everything, everyone. My heart is stll full of joy. She is angry, hateful of others. spiteful of all other women, and above all,
I am 23 when she tries to kill herself again. This time it blows over like it were a summer rain storm. And life is off to bigger and better things. I still love her, we have been togeather for 7 years. I feel there is no backing out now.
All she ever wanted in life was to build a life with me. Or so she says. All she says that she wants is me. She says this with fresh cut marks on her upper thighs.
So I beleive her. I love her...... I move in with her. At ages 23 we find a home and move in togeather.
I am young. and Naieve. I beleive that this will solve all of our problems. I am wrong. I begin to notice...
It has been 7 years and she will not allow my friends or family to come over.
It has been 7 year togeather, and I am still a virgin. not for lack of trying, but she hates her body, and cant let me in..... sex is agony for her.
For two years we sleep in the same bed. saying I love you dear, but never showing any physical affection. If I touch her trying to coax out some lust, some attraction, some kind of desire for me, She slaps me, scolds me.
These are Dark times for us..
But we perservere. because you have to if youre going to build a life togeather. After all its all she wants. Its all she says that she wants. So we talk about marriage. I convince myself that it will solve all our problems.
I am wrong.
At age 26 we marry. Nothing changes. So I begin to examen myself.
All our life, I feel beat down. Humiliated. Unloved. Undesireable to the opposite sex. I begin to hate like she does, I begin to find that I am angry like her.
I begin to hate myself.
I begin to hate myself for 10 years of loving devotion that was only ever half repaid.
I begin to hate myself for sacrificing so much for her. I feel as if my youth is wasted. My love used up. my soul mutilated.
I hate like she hates because of 10 years of devoting myself to saving her.
I decide that I want to live. I decide that I will take a chance. I deciede that I am leaving her......
I am 26 years old, and I have been married for 9 months...
I move in with a friend. One of only two that I have left..... Good news for him, he finds a girl he adores. I begin to live on my own. I get to know lonliness.
I live in hate. Instead of loving with all my heart, I hate with all my heart.
I hate myself for all of my decisions in the past. I am angry an short tempered with everyone. I hate myself for what Ive become.
I have noone to blame for the way I acted but myself.
As Ive said before, Im a product of my own choices, a product of my own design. I wish I were never born I never, NEVER used to feel this way.
Now I eat, sleep and breathe misery.
Because I ruined my youth and I ruined her life. I stayed with her so long, just long enough to destroy what heart she had left.
I do not wish for absolution, I do not pray for forgiveness...
I dont deserve it.
I accept any and all punishment that comes my way.
Now I am struggling to get my old self back, I am a 27 year old virgin. And at the same time, I feel as though I cheated myself out of lifes greatest experiences. While others were meeting girls and having fun, I was conditioning mysefl.
while friends got to make love to women passionately, Got to explore, and go on adventures, I was nursing her heart and soul.
I am 27 years old and I have to feign sexual experiance. I am 27 years old an havent gone on a date in over 10 years, I am 27 years old and full of regret.
FULL of regret.
God have mercy on my soul
I have a wonderful loving family, whos hearts are like mine used to be. I havent got the heart to tell them how I feel.
I feel like a failure. like human garbage. I wish I could just dissapear. I havent the heart to leave a body for my loved ones to find.
Every day I look at mysefl in the mirror...... and hate myself.
Thank you for the opportunity to write this...