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My Own Father

i really hate pedofiles. when i was around 5 years old, my biological father, Raymond, began molesting me. at least thats the earliest i remember. at age 13 he raped me and took my virginity. i never got to have my own experience of having a boyfriend and us maybe losing our viginity together, you know? he was sentenced to 20 years in prison and got out at the beginning of april. im scared for all the children and parents in the surrounding areas as he has never shown remorse. i dont believe he thinks he did anything wrong. the afteraffects of being abused like this as a child has left me crippled. i have major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder and im agoraphobic. personally, i think all pedophiles should be castrated.

May 16, 2013
An update to my story...  my father got out on parole but violated it and was sent back to prison. It made me feel good to know that he is off of the streets. Im currently still in counseling and doing alot better. My agoraphobia seems to be ALOT better and I'm able to go out into public places alone now with the help of breathing exercises and medication. I'm still having alot of problems with my depression and Borderline but I will continue to work as hard as possible with my therapist to keep them in check. Thanks to everyone who has read my story and left positive comments. For all of you that have suffered the same kind of abuse, my heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.  Maybe castration is not the answer but the punishments for rape and sexual abuse by pedophiles should be treated with a higher regard. The recidivism rate of child molesters is more than 75 % and that should be taken into consideration when they are sentenced. Many abusers go undetected by authorities as many children are too afraid to stand up and tell. It may be a mental disorder but it leaves the victims with mental disorders as well. something that is not our fault and something we shouldnt have to deal with for the rest of our lives. It does stay with us forever. Maybe the punishment should be up there with murderers. Anyway just my thoughts. Again thank you to all that have supported me during my struggle.
ramonaj79 ramonaj79 31-35, F 67 Responses May 18, 2011

Your Response


wow that is an interesting perception and you might be right.

If the punishment is the same for murder, more of them will murder their victims in hope of evading detection.

how terrible, oh just try to move on, not all guys are like that.

your reply is not heartfelt and it is obvious that you did not read the story and your comment is not related to it. Have some heart. No, not all guys are like that but there are some that are, as I have experienced with my father.

Sorry you had to experience that.
I lived with a guy who I respected enough to consider my father though we weren't related and he didn't adopt me either.
I was 18 at the time and he was in his 40s. The majority of the time I stayed with him and his wife, he was sexually fantasizing about me. He even lied about me to his wife(I believe he did) because I brought the issue out. He got scared and felt he had to go against me to get me kicked out of their house. I, too, hate pedophiles.

If you were 18 he would not be considered a *********. There is no legal protection as you were over the age of consent. It still doesn't make it right, of course, especially with him being married. But it's not illegal.

I HATE sick, gross, twisted madness like this! I hope you are okay now, I'm praying for you & for the protection of all kids that may cross his path smh

"personally, i think all pedophiles should be castrated." I somewhat agree, although "exterminated" sounds much better in my opinion. If the guy is still out free, get a gun and put a bullet in his skull.

So you go to prison for life. Not a thought out plan.

What a horrible crime these pedos. commet, i was fondle when i was a child, by family people.This left me with many negative feelings. I am a christain lady, I've found that useing spiritual pracipels, has helped me.. I only wanted peace of mind, so <br />
<br />
I prayed for them<br />
an fordave them

Many abusers have the same disorders that you have, especially the chronic low self esteem, thus picking or choosing children that will not refuse them and reinforcing the low self esteem. Twin studies show us that about 50 percent of personality is inherited, meaning that often the victims of abuse are going to have the low self esteem and personality issues of the parent, abused or not. I don't think the cause of depression and low self esteem matters as much as how one copes with it.

*hugs* im sorry for what happened to you. my uncle hurt me, idk if he raped me but still. and i get what you mean about him ruining your experience with men. i mean personally i feel disgusted with all men, i know that isn't fair and i have tried to be happy with a guy i mean im still that little girl wishing for her happy ending but idk im repulsed by anyones touch. and i also think they should have all fingers choppped off, and tongue ripped out, besides having them castrated.

I wish it was the law that pedophiles were executed after there second offense. I, too, know how you feel. I think it's criminal. Period. They are old enough to know better, else they wouldn't threaten their victims to keep quiet, that shows that they are criminal, not "ILL". I carry hatred, sure I do. I never had the choice of having the chance of losing my virginity before or after marriage. I wish that we were allowed to show these sick fkks how we do feel.........I'm thinking BONFIRE...Like the days of old in Salem.............

Once caught and convicted they should be forced to live isolated with people like themselves. Castration would do little to provide assurance of re-offending.
I also believe if the victims mother were aware she should face criminal charges. I can't imagine what abandonment a child must feel when they tell their mother and she does nothing to protect her child.

You are right..My mother turned a blind eye because his income far out weighed my well being, and that of my brother. It's a hard fact to swallow when you can't depend on your mother...I never could depend on her, it just took me time to accept that it was true, that it was a cold hard fact.....

thank you guys for commenting on my story. it makes me feel sane to know that there are others that feel the same as i do. im sorry to both of you for having to go through that pain. i'd like to think that it has made us stronger in some way.

My dad was able to use me for 2 years, from 6-8, then my grandmother moved in with us...He wasn't my first rapist.

It has made us stronger, and we want to protect our children. That's evidence that others who blame their actions of hurting a child on their childhood is bull ****, we don't do that...Why do they get by so easy with that senseless claim ???

2 More Responses

I think people like that should be made an example of. They should be castrated in public and be sodimized with a sharp blunt ob<x>ject so the can finally know what they did to their victims. It should be done repeatily again and again. It might sound cruel but hey they got what they deserved.

********** is much more then the act of molestation. It is a conditioning of the victim that causes them to think they participated , they won't tell if they think it was partly their fault. This conditioning leaves them with a low self esteem that in many cases they carry with them the rest of their lives. You can only be abused so many times but the scars remain for life

I don't blame you for thinking he should be castrated. Especially knowing that he showed no remorse? It may be a mental disorder that makes him do what he did, but it's what he does physically that is criminal. At the very least he should be given libido suppressing drugs, chemical castration.

i hate that i ever wrote this stupid story.

Look...I guess nobody did this, but I'm sorry you dad did this to you, it's not your fault, and I understand it took a lot of courage to post this.

Interesting comment because Silverbells just added me as a friend. Perhaps you should read all my comments before you lose control of yourself.

Did you ever get burned really bad? If you did then you see someone with a bad burn you cringe. That is because you feel their pain. Same with abuse ... you feel the hurt and want to help. That is why there are so many groups that are dedicated to that purpose. ISA is the one that truly opened my eyes .. the people there were all abused and they know how to help you ... and's free

I'm glad you read the rest of my posts and the fact you replied means I was wrong about some things. When I saw the pic of you and you son it triggered something ... sorry, that wasn't your fault. My mom was totally dysfunctional and she left allot of damage in her wake that included 1 dead sister 2 sisters living a lifetime train wreck and myself (my conduct speaks for itself). I simple don't know how to talk to people ... I never could because I was too busy surviving when growing up. I had at least 2 or 3 fistfights a month, quit high school in 10th grade, spent a decade on drugs ... then found the Lord. The first thing I did was read the Bible ... the part about if I won't forgive the abusers ...then He won't forgive me. As you already know ..that ain't easy. But it made sense that when you pray and your mind is full of hate then it's like having a toilet in the kitchen ... the same mind that is pray stinks of hatred. I agree that perps should be locked up and society protected. I don't agree they should be used to vent our anger. God will give them every measure of justice and it will be far worse than anything you can think of. By freeing your mind of hatred you have room for love. Imagine your mind is a house ... if one half the house is used to process crap and you live in the other half of the house with love ...what is the house going to smell like? My point is the more crap you get rid of the more room you have for love. No one is asking for you to let your guard down because Perps are evil people and will do whoever they can. If I caught one in the act I may whack him myself inspite of my earlier comments however I don't dwell on it. Dwelling on hatred is Cancer. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

@fixxer why did you leave such a nasty, mean comment the first time if you had all of this valuable advice. you see, im not filled with hate and anger. i hate him but my world doesnt revolve around him. ive given most of it to God and im in therapy for that and other issues. i do just fine with my son. i dont use my past as a crutch and i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. this site is about groups and your own experiences so i wrote a very short not much detailed story. i had no idea it would create such a mess. its seriously got me thinking of just leaving the site for good. i thought it would be a good way to vent. im still angry and very much hurt by your first comment but the other ones are helpful. thank you.

@fixxer why did you leave such a nasty, mean comment the first time if you had all of this valuable advice. you see, im not filled with hate and anger. i hate him but my world doesnt revolve around him. ive given most of it to God and im in therapy for that and other issues. i do just fine with my son. i dont use my past as a crutch and i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. this site is about groups and your own experiences so i wrote a very short not much detailed story. i had no idea it would create such a mess. its seriously got me thinking of just leaving the site for good. i thought it would be a good way to vent. im still angry and very much hurt by your first comment but the other ones are helpful. thank you.

sybilverbells ... Please remember that you were conditioned by your abusers not to talk. They had to be sure you would not expose them . That is where the real damage is. You were betrayed by the ones that were supposed to protect you. In many victims they blame some of the abuse on themselves because they kept quiet ... they have to come to grips with the fact a 5 year old ... indeed, a 13 year old 's mind is no match for an abusers cunning. Because many abused blame some of it on themselves they are left with a very low opinion of themself. I suspect that you are about to give me a Broadside with denial regarding blamming yourself ... but let me ask you this ... How often when you make a simple mistake,,, with anything ... do you call yourself an a..hole or worse .... Try to look into the mirror then say "I'm a good person" then begin to beleive it

Things are either black or white in your world. Unless I read your story wrong then it was your brother that screwed you. Why does he get no blame but it's all your dad's fault? After reading your rants it's obvious you have lost control of reality. We both have one thing in common ... I also hate pedo's, however if I were to cut off thier penis and stuff them up thier butt then that would make me no different than they are. My abuse even led too my Mom tieing my sister and me to a chair, then trying to burn the house down. Why not read my story before your open your "the world owes me" mouth?<br />
I suspect your life is full of anger and hate because all you want to hear about is how sad your life was. but now you are the one that is continuing the hurt. Perhaps your grandad stuck his penis up your dads butt and that's why he is so screwed up. No one ever suggested you send your dad a I forgive card but for God sakes, you are allowing him to continue to ruin your life. The post after yours is good advice The beginning of healing starts when you have compassion for others that have through it and need someone to reach out that knows the pain

wtf! who do you think you are? im perfectly capable of taking care of my son who lives with his dad most of the time anyway. i didnt know i had any of these disorders until the last 6 or 7 years. im in therapy for it. i dont even know why im replying to this. you are one sick azzhole to take my abuse and turn it around on me like it was my fault. yes castration, cutting their hands off, sewing their lips shut and then hanging them from a tree. i assume since "he only played with me for 8 years" that you condone pedophiles and their behavior. maybe you should get the same treatment as mentioned above. how dare you take my abuse and twist it into something so sick. ITS MY STORY NOT A F**KING DEBATE. you dont get an opinion you psychopath.

Obviously I think this is the right place, and I have explained myself already. This is not a group for victims, there are plenty of those groups if you need one. This is a group for hate.<br />
<br />
Just because you don't see the pedophiles who never rape anyone (or the child molesters who never re-offend) doesn't mean there aren't any. People like you have created an environment where it would be unwise to stand up for themselves, even if they have never harmed a soul. (The same was true for communists and homosexuals 50 years ago, lest we forget.) You hate them for the way they think, the way they are, their very soul. There is nowhere for them to seek help, because you don't want to help them. You want to hate them. <br />
<br />
I've seen studies which say that 68%-88% of child molestation is done by pedophiles. The same studies show that 96% of child molestation is done by males. If you want to say pedophiles are dangerous you have to say the same about males. While that has an ounce of truth to it, the obvious flaw in the logic is that those numbers don't mention the billions of men who behave themselves. <br />
<br />
The truth is nobody knows how many pedophiles there are who don't hurt anyone. I've come across studies that say as many as 25% of all men are sexually attracted to prepubescent children. That would mean there are hundreds of millions who resist the urge. They should be applauded rather than discriminated.<br />
<br />
We all have fantasies we don't give in to. At least, I do. For example, I've never eaten a penguin. If you want to hate anything, hate a lack of self-discipline. Not all alcoholics drink and drive. Not all men beat their spouses or rape women who reject them. Not everyone is so weak.<br />
<br />
And you can delete my comments if you like, but I'm not saying anything that isn't true and won't still be true even if you ignore the unpleasant reality.

I'm no expert,just a by- stander with an oppinion,which I'm sure most of us are.However,it seems to me that most people who suffer any kind of mental illness are found not guilty of criminal charges in many cases because they have no control and are usually not aware of what they are doing,or that what they are doing is wrong.With most child molesters that I've read about or seen in the news,they tried to hide what they were doing.Therefore an admission of guilt.They knew what they were doing was wrong and tried to cover it up.In any case,intentional or not,innocent people's lives are at risk so long as these people are living freely in our communities.At the very least,if a ********* is released,the public needs to be aware of it,and aware of there where abouts at all times.If you look at the statistics of reoffenders for these types of crimes you might agree with me.Maybe a a 17 yr old knocks over a corner store,does his time for it,goes back to school and becomes a productive member of society.This kind of thing happens frequently.When was the last time you talked to someone or heard of someone who mollested children,got caught,went to jail and and came out a brand new person and never reoffended? If a dog bites they put it down.Those children will never get their lives back,why should the person who took it from them in the first place.

@lorelei FINALLY someone else who is trying to say the same thing as me. their urges dont ever go away and even if monitered, children are still at risk!!!! this is a disorder/disease that CANNOT be cured! and it is sick. even IF they cant help it, WHY IN THE WORLD would someone DEFEND someone else WHO WANTS TO VIOLATE CHILDREN? there is no such thing as an innocent pedoph!le!!! even if they dont actually commit the heinous crime they are fantasizing about, they are always gonna be looking for that opportunity. people, read the statistics! THEY ARE DANGEROUS!

Yes, they should be institutionalized if they are dangerous. I think I've stated this multiple times. That is what "treating it as a mental illness" means. I guess you thought I meant that they should be left alone and given a presc<x>ription for Zoloft or something? Perhaps that explains the confusion.<br />
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I try not to respond to mystikRage because I believe them to be a troll who doesn't listen to reason, who quotes things that were never said, and is only trying to provoke more hatred. But I fear people might listen, so I will say one thing: If defending someone makes you one of them then I am a *********, a muslim, a homosexual, a pornographer, a woman, a child, the founder of Wikileaks, and Michael Vick.

People are capable of murdering each other, should we lock up everyone who is capable of negativity? Pedophiles aren't rapists, people who like meat aren't all killers, just like people who like kids aren't all rapists. I can see why you're angry, but the fire and brimstone approach is laced with the preconceived idea that people with taboo opinions are immediately labeled as evil. Not all black people play basketball, not all white people trade stocks, and not all pedos harm people. it'd be a bad thing to harm an innocent person, right? It'd be taking their lives away for doing nothing wrong, just admitting they want to seek help before they do anything they'll regret..but a mandatory punishment? For not breaking any law?

for the life of me, i cannot figure out your stance on this subject and how you could defend someone who wishes to hurt a child whether they can help it or not. children are defenseless and dont get to have a say in their abuse. ********** doesnt go away. maybe they should be institutionalized for life so there is no risk of them acting out? it doesnt make sense to me unless you have this problem or have a feasible solution in mind.

No one deserves abuse, not you, not pedophiles.

well when anyone decides to comment on my experience, let me know. i find this offensive. i figured the debate would be over now. and tsunami, since my father couldnt control his urges, i guess i must have deserved his abuse, huh?