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Memory Traces

Just recently,I remembered it.I never actually talked to anyone about it,nor I wanted to,until now.I never knew his name,but I still remember his appearance as if it was yesterday.Older,friendly huge guy,they're nearly all like that...This one thought that he should give me a lesson or two.I was,around 5 years old or so,on my vacation.I was on a beach with my parents,sun was slowly burning my skin,so taking a quick dip in the sea seemed like the most reasonable choice.With small steps I walked into the water...Cold,I'd thought,but adaptation was quicker than expected.Five minutes later I was swimming around,enjoying the width and transparency of the sea.Suddenly,someone touched my shoulder,I turned around merrily,expecting one of my parents.Then,my eyes met with the eyes of a complete stranger,his mouth were formed into a smile,while his face radiated nothing else than a handful of happiness.
''Hey,little one,what is your name?'' He asked.
Shyly I replied,and so informal conversation has commenced.We talked about weather,places,and few other things,until he proposed to me.
''How about I teach you to swim? I dislike your swimming technique''.
Excuse me? At first I thought I didn't hear him well.I didn't knew much back then,but I certainly knew my swimming,but the man was persistent.I agreed at the end.I had to...First he swung his flabby arms around,imitating actual swimming,then asked me to repeat.Few minutes,nothing was happening.Soon,he realized that I had no idea how to lie down on my back in water without sinking down like Titanic.Here,he made his first move.
''Come here,let me hold you'',these were his words.I hesitated,even then,it seemed suspicious to me.''Never talk to strangers'',it's what every parent say.Everyone learns the same in school.Whether it was my curiosity,or stupidity,I was obeying him like a dog,who just created a leash around her neck,and it was certainly jerked towards him now,signalizing me to approach.And so...I was flipped on my back,eyes staring up into open heavens,while fingers on my back gave me shivers across my entire body.He released me,allowing me to float around.Perhaps he will let me go now.But he didn't.He swam over to me,and trapped me into his embrace.Those were some heavy arms,he held me in a tight grip.I was so caught up into his actions that I never even realized that I was holding my hands on his shoulders.For me,this was the worst part.Shamelessly,his fingers slowly traced over my body,between my legs.I was sure I felt his fingers.
''Do you like it?'' He asked,still pushing that eerie smile across his wrinkled face.The nerve!
I was so young then,but even then I could feel something was horribly wrong.Could I fight back? Yes. Did I do it? No.Why? I still don't know,even today.I spend my time telling myself that the peer pressure was not allowing me to do anything.His eyes widen,filled with inquisitiveness and,I could swear,a form of greed.He needed that answer.I attempted to turn around,our faces were too close for comfort.I replied to him that I know how to swim,also requesting to be released.It didn't go so well.
''Don't go just yet,don't you enjoy this?'' Now,I started to feel actual fear.With one twitch,I was slammed against him once more.I didn't want this...I was truly afraid,and lost.My eyes were scanning the beach,in hope I'll meet one of my parents.They weren't there,where the hell did they go?!Suddenly...I felt something that wasn't his hand..Oh no...It was brushing against my crotch,two,three times,his question was still floating around in air,on which I still refused to answer.One..Two...Three,and it stopped.
''I must leave now,I enjoyed taking care of you instead of your parents,may we meet again,pretty girl''.
With this,I was free again,pressure chains disappeared,but my heart was beating so hard,I thought it would jump out,at that very moment,I wished I didn't have a heart...Or feelings.My eyes were locked on him while he was swimming away,towards the beach.
Sixteen years later,it still hurts.I was left alone,with my mind and body desecrated.I lost,in this story,I am a loser,while he turned out to be victorious.However..I consider myself to be lucky one..It could escalate,and be much worse,but it didn't.I'm stuck with a memory and rage,fear and sadness.He got away,this is what hurts me the most,but trough years,I thought that I have no right to complain,I contributed to his runaway,but....Today,I'm waiting.I still believe there is some sort of a cosmic justice,for him,and all like that man.Just you wait...
Nyxeh Nyxeh 18-21, F 2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Your Response


I have memories like yours, unfortunately I knew my abuser, had to face him, daily. I was 7 when it ended only to re surface later in my childhood.

I will not discuss it, I am happy with who I am now, my childhood made me the person I am today, I have made peace with my past. I was a small, tiny child, I had no control. You were the same.

Don't ever feel like you could have done anything, you couldn't. Take a look at a 5 year old! we were tiny at 5!!!!

There is justice! they will pay, these monsters who prey on small defenceless children. Eventually they will pay.

Forgive yourself, once you do that you can live. I am here if you need to talk, do not suffer alone. Ever!

Thank you for your kind words.I have to say that I feel sorry because you went trough abuse daily,but now that you've reached the peaceful state of mind,I'm happy.I'm happy because you are happy,and you certainly made me feel better.I too,will try to reconcile with my past.It's all I can do now.

It is all you can do, you cannot change what is in the past. What happened to you should never have happened.

Do not ever feel sorry for my past. I don't, I am not happy about it, I cannot change it, so why feel regret and sorrow. Life is for living! my username living4now. Don't ever look to yesterday.

Dance like nobody is watching
Your glass is always half full
laugh every day
have no regrets
look for the positive in everything
appreciate today because tomorrow it will be gone
always remember in this life the sad truth is there is always someone worse off than you
if you feel pain, reassure yourself that you feel this pain because you are ALIVE!
life is worth living
live it to the full, for the future. Remember the past but don't ever let it rule you.

hugs my friend xxxx

You are so full of positive energy,it's so inspiring!~ Wish I was more like you.

*Hugs back*~

I am not special, I have many faults, I have many issues and I am certainly a bit bonkers. My secret is if you pretend you are happy for long enough it actually makes you happy for real!

Had I not lived the life I lived I would not be in this place now. I might be a terrible flirt and look for approval constantly, that is my main fault. I cannot and will not try to change who I am.

If people do not like me then that is their problem. I am who I am.

I cannot let anyone ever look after my children and I am selfish.

I do sometimes let my past creep in and affect me (that is how I found this site) I do however, have a shake up and wake up! nothing keeps me down for long.

Refuse to let your past rule your future honey! you are worth so much more.

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Aw, you poor girl. :( It's not your fault though; you couldn't prevent it. You were 5, and he was much stronger than you. I don't think he won either; there's a good chance he got caught the next time he tried that and now suffers in jail.

I surely hope so,I can't even think of how many children went trough the same thing as I did,or had it even worse,it would be bothersome if people like him would get away with what they did,some do.Anyhow,thank you for understanding:)

I don't think he got away with it, if he did things like that to you. Most kids will have their parents right there, who would see it happen and report the terrible man. You're welcome too. I was never touched like that, but I really feel for you.

Hmm,you're probably right.Made me feel better actually~. Wish mine were there,but eh...

Well, I'm glad I helped you. I really believe that he was caught by someone the next time he tried it. I don't know where your parents were, but I'm sure they would have been there for you if it happened again. It was just bad timing for them to go somewhere.

True that,my parents aren't that bad,but I guess it was just horrible timing.

Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm glad he didn't go any further (though I don't know why he didn't), nothing like that happened to you again, and you're still physically okay.


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