Friends and Lovers and Days When I Ignore Them

i am highly irritable today. it's probably because i work in retail for a woman who pushes all the right sensitive buttons in my tear ducts, and she especially made me wanna give up on ever being happy with my job on saturday night. it's probably because i've thought too much about how i'm not doing enough for the world and i'm not learning enough about the world, therefore i'm not good enough for the world. it's also probably because i've recently become unhappy with smoking weed and/or drinking all the time, but since my friends or more importantly my boyfriend still happily indulge in these activities i find myself jealous and resentful for no good reason. speaking of boyfriend, i am in love with a man that i hate, and 75% of the things he holds dear in life, his hobbies, friends, activities, interests, are things that i can't stand. he is an idiot and i want to kill him sometimes but i love him to death and couldn't imagine life without him. i'm just ******* irritable. i'm not in college. i don't read enough. i don't write enough. i don't have a huge pool of friends. i'm not working on my goals consistently. i have mood swings on bi-polar levels that occur so internally that no one seems to notice. i eat a lot of junky breakfast cereals that i pour so much sugar onto that my boyfriend winces. i love helping people but instead of getting some awesome non profit job i chose to work at a ******* clothing store. my place is 90% my boyfriend's furniture, artwork and crap. at times i feel so completely lost in this world that i would like to disappear in the woods and never see anyone i love again. because deep down, i don't feel like i deserve anything.
burnthis burnthis
22-25, F
Aug 5, 2007