The Most Unsettling

What a stupid emotion, what a stupid 4 letter word. What does it even accomplish anyways- nothing.

Learning to ignore the gesture is something I've been able to accomplish since my child hood- as long as it doesn't directly pertain to me. If it's something minor then I can forget about the remarks, the looks. Where I can't forget is when it involves my family shedding pity towards me.

I can't bare the thought of my family shining those emotional eyes my way, sniffling and holding back unnecessary sobs. I want to jump up and slap them for looking at it this way. Screw being sad and mopey- I want you to make me laugh damnit! There hasn't been many occasions that I have allowed my family to feel this way about me. The times that they did I was unable to avoid- appendix rupturing. Who cries about that? Parents always over dramatize things. I'm left feeling frustrated that I can't remove this emotion from them, frustration that I can't jump up and be suddenly 'okay' and disappointment in myself for not being stronger. How could I ever have allowed it to get this far?

I don't tell them if I am sick any more and I'm sure that if I suddenly became terminally ill that I would leave them blissfully oblivious to this until I'm not around to see them make a gigantic scene. Sure this is insensitive and there are a thousand arguments against this but I know that seeing them, the way they get, I would probably die of guilt first. It would be more painful than the illness. Just seeing it on minor scales in comparison to life threatening, it is more than one family-obsessed eldest child could bare.

I don't like to give pity to others either. I know how much it destroys me receiving the gesture so I don't want to ever be the one to inflict that feeling on someone else. That doesn't mean that my heart won't go out to them along with my support but I would much rather find a way to make them happy rather then dwelling on the problem at hand. Dwelling and moping never goes far anyways. It's better to acknowledge the situation but start moving towards the finer things in life. Laughter and comfort.
Linxer Linxer
31-35, F
1 Response Jul 9, 2010

It does seem easier when you don't actually know the person or if it is an animal. I think animals have no way to pity themselves, they have no way to control what happens to them therefore it seems almost necessary to pity those animals who are treated poorly. <br />
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The topic really goes get sticky and murky when dealing with those closest to us.