You Know I Hate It... Why Did You Have To Do It?My boyfriends friend knows I hate **** - I hate it because of the concept, I hate it because it's degrading, I hate it because it's simply disgusting, it's fake, animalistic... the list goes on. There is no love; just sexual rewards. Just take, take, take. There is no giving. No, there is nothing 'beautiful' about ****.
And the main reason I asked my boyfriend to stop watching it (and he did for me) is because it makes me feel like I am worthless to him.. you have probably heard it a million times before from others; it makes us feel unwanted, not good enough, not pretty enough, as if we are being cheated on. It's the most horrible feeling.
At first I didn't really mind so much, until he COMPARED me to a **** model, and SHOWED ME his FAVOURITE **** model. That really, really hurt. He didn't mean it to hurt me, I know, he thought it was OK and a harmless act.
Anyway, today we were Skyping (chatting through mic): me, my boyfriend and his friend. And his friend thought it would be funny to put the volume of a **** video up high so we could hear it, just to make me mad.
It was horrifying to me, I don't know why, when I'm exposed to anything like that, it's like it begins to eat me alive; like I've developed an allergy to anything even merely provocative/pornagraphic. It makes me sweat, tremble, and get really sad and mad. It causes weird emotions and feelings, uncomfortable symptoms, it's just a horrible experience for me; and it's MUCH worse if I know my boyfriend can see/hear it too (in this case, hear).
They tell me I'm not normal, that "Who cares, everyone watches it". They tell me I should see a psychiatrist. And sometimes I think I might be crazy. But sometimes I think, although I'm in a very small minority, my feelings are correct.
**** is not neccessary. You don't need it to live. Animals we evolved from never watched **** and didn't die from not having access to it. They didn't even have the time for such activities, they were busy hunting and defending themselves. And now **** has become so normalised! Ugh.. I feel so alone on this, no one agrees with me, they think I'm crazy for hating something nearly everyone does, and sometimes it just makes me want to hurt myself because the feelings get so intense; nothing makes me madder.