50 Ways to Spot a Redneck (and They Need Not Live In a Trailer)
1) They believe that if something is on TV... then it's JUST GOT TO BE TRUE. The same goes for 'based-on-a-true-story' movies... which is where all of their historical knowledge is derived.
2) They will treat you as a carrier of the plague if they discover that you don't believe in god... even though they themselves never go to church, read a Bible, spread the word, pray, etc.
3) They can't keep their lies in order... due to a degraded memory resulting from the over-indulgence of marijuana. If they can't remember what came out of their mouths a few days ago... then you shouldn't be able to remember either.
4) They think the worst aspect of 911 was the day or two they had to go without televised sports.
5) They think the astronauts who lost their lives in the space shuttle disasters got what they deserved for being dumba$$ morons who did what they did for a living... but the death of Dale Earnhardt was a tragic occurrence that affected them on some deep spiritual level.
6) They believe 'Loose Change' is the unadulterated truth.
7) They believe man never went to the Moon.
8) They believe in dragons because someone told them that they are referenced in the bible, but dinosaurs never existed... the discovered fossils of which are most likely where the legend/myth of dragons originated.
9) They hate intelligent, open minded, rational individuals who don't see things EXACTLY as they do.
10) They don't vote because it's a waste of time... and they don't want to be selected for jury duty... yet they b###h and whine about anything political that they don't agree with... or even understand.
11) They believe the sole purpose law enforcement is specifically to keep them from getting ahead in life.
12) Some of them think that hiccups are a result of the heart skipping beats... I actually had one attempt to educate me in this respect. I'm no expert on the subject, but if your heart is skipping beats... you have a problem that is far more insidious than a case of the hiccups! You may try to counter explain that hiccups are more likely caused by a convulsive diaphragm... but then they consider you as a smart a$$ know-it-all because you can use Google.
13) They claim to hate communism... but can't begin to define it. I'm referring to the words similitude/derivation to and from words such as common, union, communicate, communion, community, etc. I'm not defending communism as the world has experienced it by any means... which has historically been some other form of corrupt government under the guise of communism. True communism is an ideal... nothing more... one for which not much can be said against. When explaining this to rednecks... they just stare at you like a deer caught in headlights and label you as an unpatriotic traitor... even though you may have served in the military while they sat at home and smoked pot, played video games, beat their dog, b###hed, whined, etc.
14) In their mind, the only thing worse than a broken Xbox is running out of pot... the end of football or NASCAR season is a close third.
15) They think book stores are for stuck-up rich people.
16) They keep a 120lb dog indoors, never take it for a walk, and yell at and beat it when it whines to go outside... then they put it out on the back porch to take a s##t and leave it there for the next day or two while they smoke pot and play video games in climate controlled comfort. Such an animal probably thinks it's name is "SHUT UP AND LAY DOWN, GOD####IT".
17) A set of five solar-charged malibu lights is their sole contribution to the energy crisis.
18) They consider professional wrestling as a form of artistic ex
19) They think the most important things in life are those they can't afford.
20) They think only poor people like to go for long walks in the woods (ie: hiking) or ride a bicycle to work.
21) They have five televisions on in one room concurrently (or would if they had two more)... one for football, one for NASCAR, one for ESPN, one for soap operas, and one for the Xbox. If there is not a football game or a race on, then they get to use the Playstation also.
22) They brag about their paycheck when they THINK they make more money than someone else... and they don't understand that it is considered as bad manners to ask someone how much money they make or how much their car or house cost.
23) They think people who have money in the bank are paid too much and stingy for not giving it to them to satisfy their addictions.
24) They think die-cast NASCAR replicas are sound monetary investments.
25) If it wasn't for televised sports and video games... they would have no need for a gas powered electrical generator during a power outage.
26) They think people who read books have way too much time to spare... they should be playing video games instead.
27) Their next bag of pot is more important than having a bad tooth taken care of by a dentist... all of whom they fear, distrust, and consider as a waste-of-skin... the same applies to any medical professional.
28) They like rain because it gives them an excuse to sit inside and do nothing but smoke pot, watch sports, play video games, etc... unless they have race tickets... then they don't understand why god is f##king up their day.
29) Their dream vehicle is an oversized, 480hp dually pick-up truck, a Chevy of course, with 29 inch rims... even though the only thing they will ever haul in it is their own ignorant a$$es.
30) As a general rule of thumb... if something cost more than another, it must be of higher quality... unless they can't afford it... then it's a waste of money... but they secretly still want one.
31) They move into an apartment with a woman that has three children by three different men and never married... then can't believe it when they get cheated on.
32) They don't understand the need for taxes... even though the quality of their pathetic lives is 100 times better than that of 99% of the worlds population... outside of the States.
33) They state that President Bush is an idiot... but can't explain why in their own words. They laugh about "BRING IT ON" and think it was a totally appropriate thing to say to the world at large. Besides, Dubya owns a baseball team... how cool is that?
34) They don't understand what Michael Vic did that was so wrong... they were just dogs after all.
35) They insist that dropping out of high school was a wise decision... and they are better off for having done so. The fact that the majority of the worlds population never get that opportunity is irrelevant.
36) They hate Mexicans... especially the ones that lead a more meaningful, respectable existence than they themselves do. The same goes for anyone who doesn't speak perfect, southern, United Statesian English.
37) They enjoy seeing others fail at anything... it doesn't matter that others atleast make an attempt to succeed at something besides Grand Theft Auto. I'm referring to the video game of course... rednecks are far too lazy and stoned to actually attempt something as constructive and ambitious as grand theft auto.
38) They think signage that denotes things like 'Fireworks Prohibited' or 'No Parking' or 'No Dumping' does not apply to them. I would like to think they just can't read... but they have no problem in that regard when it comes to the sports section of some newspaper... which is the sole purpose for destroying a tree to make said newspaper.
39) When their furniture delivery truck gets shut down in another state by the DOT/DMV because they had marijuana in the vehicle and their stash gets confiscated and they have to spend the night in a rest area 400 miles away from home... they get PISSED OFF when they call you and you refuse to bring them a quarter-sack so they don't have to go without for one night. They actually entertained the thought of someone skipping work and driving 400 miles JUST to deliver their fix.
40) They hate Jeff Gordon... and I mean hhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttee him.
41) They think showing an interest in learning another language is foolhardy at best. Everyone should speak English... because they do... sort of... you see, HUKT ON FONIX WURKT 4 THEM!
42) They think that killing a harmless blacksnake is an act of bravery on their part... something to take immense pride in... BIG BADA$$ REDNECKS!
43) They feel that if one can afford to waste fuel for no good reason, then it is their god given right to do so... because global warming is a total crock of s##t and gasoline comes out of the ground from beneath U.S. gas stations.
44) They think individuals such as Albert Einstein deserve no reverence... even though Xboxes and satellite dishes might not exist if not for their discoveries, vision, and innovation. Also... they have no idea who Steven Hawking is... but if they did, they would consider him as a wheelchair bound retard... even though he is quite possibly the most intelligent and insightful person on the planet today.
45) They use rare antique encyclopedias to start a fire... MY F##KING RARE ANTIQUE ENCYCLOPEDIAS. Then they can't understand why I'm so "bent-out-of-shape" about it. They could of used that dusty f##king Bible they have stuffed in a closet somewhere. Those things are like AOL CDs... the U.S. has billions of them just lying around.
46) They think Dale Earnhardt was, undisputably, the greatest athlete to ever grace the Planet... PERIOD...but Pele was/is nothing more than a fast, long legged, black pu$$y from Brazil... which they think is located in Africa.
47) Drinking Heineken makes them feel sophisticated.
48) In their KNOWLEDGED opinion, 'Deliverance' was the worst movie ever made... but they refuse to discuss why. However, 'Days of Thunder' was a most excellent film... even though Tom Cruise is a total flake these days... again, they refuse to discuss the matter.
49) They think Bill Clinton was cool, solely because he admitted to smoking pot. I think Slick Willy was cool also, but because he admitted to being a human being with human flaws.
50) They came to North Carolina to get away from the rednecks in West Virginia. WHAT THE F##K WERE THEY THINKING?