I Used To Loooovvvveeeee Sex....and Now I Don't

I had my son about 14 months ago and it seems like my sex drive just disappeared. It's so strange because before I got pregnant I used to looooovvvveee sex. I wanted it all the time, morning or night didn't matter or wherever. I used to have all types of fantasies and things I wanted to try. It was an outlet for me. I think having a child creates some type of chemical change or something. Anyway my fiancee' is suffering because he wants it and I don't. I try to explain why I just don't anymore. He thinks I should talk to someone or take some type of medicine. I just don't have the desire to do anything about it. I would rather sleep or get a massage or go to the park with my son. I feel bad when I do have sex now because the feelings aren't there at all. I feel like a prostitute when I do have sex. I just get it over with and pretend like it never happend. I almost feel sick to my stomach like to vomit. I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe I should go see someone. It's almost funny because before I thought I was a sex addict but now the thought of sex just disgusts me.
Ricole123 Ricole123
22-25, F
9 Responses May 4, 2012

You may not be interested in sex now because due to pregnancy and/or breastfeeding, your homones have changed. You also may be very exhausted or have post partum depression. Talk to your doctor, and have your blood tested to see if there is something that can be done to boost your libido. Sex is what differentiates romantic relationships/marriage from being roommates. It's reasonable for your partner to expect sex as part of his romantic relationship with you. Your not only turning him down but also refusing to get help can be devastating to your boyfriend, who may feel hurt, unattractive, unselfconfident and unloved as a result. To see what sexless relationships are like from the partner's perspective, look at the sexless marriage discussions on EP. You'll see how being repeatedly denied can lead to the partner's falling out of love, cheating or leaving their romantic partner.

When i say you are with the "wrong man", there are men and women who are "emotionally hollow" or "incapable of love" that is why they will forever indulge in negative activity example: sex, abuse, s*luts, cheaters, alcoholics, drug addicts.
Is he abusive(verbally, emotionally, physically)?
Or it might be an "in a moment low self esteem" kind of thing.

I agree with you about the Alcoholics, I was repulused by one who only wanted sex, I don't actually talk to her what so ever.

Leonatan.....stop calling sex a negative activity, and comparing it to abuse, and addiction.
Sex is a normal healthy part of a relationship. Just because your brother/ soon to be husband, is asexual and you are bitter about that, it doesn't mean that sex is a negative thing for the rest of us.

You are being delusional, did i say we are asexual?Anyway, people like you who needs to feed on sex to survive.That is what i find you PATHETIC.

I didn't say you were asexual.....in your own posts, you said that your soon to be husband was.....and that you look at other men etc.
It sounds like you are so frustated about your situation that you have gone to the point of trying to convince yourself and others that sex is an Evil thing ( your words not mine ) I am not the one who is delusional...and the rest of the human population are not pathetic for enjoying sex.

You see, the thing here is normal people enjoy sex but you are obsessed with it, that is not normal!

Hi vinnie, i thought you were a female, but yeah all kinds of people exists.

Leonatan...Where do you get the idea that i am obsessed with sex?
Sex is a normal , healthy part of a relationship. Most people would agree with this. We are born with the ability to enjoy it, and the drive to make it happen.

The whole world is obsessed with sex to be honest. Its only normal for a married relationship or having children. There is more to life than sex. Sex is over rated in my view. When I saw a Woman who had an alcohol problem all she wanted was sex, I never talked to her again because I found her quite repulsive and I think other friends who went with her found this out too and did the same. This woman was a negative person and sex seemed to only made her happy.

Marketing companies use sex to advertise because it works...why ? Because we are programmed to react to it.Like it or not, our biology is driving us to pursue a sexual existance.
I am Married , for 20 years,have 2 kids and i still want to continue a very enjoyable sex life with my husband.I hope to do this until the day i die.
I don't see any connection between alcoholism and regular people enjoying sex.
If i was not married, and never wanted kids, i would still continue to enjoy sex for my entire life. It's not just sex , it's intimacy, connection , love and everything inbetween. Would i want all the rest and not the sex ? No...it's all important to me.
Just because you think that sex is overated , you can't use that a a measuring stick for the rest of us.
It's like saying that you don't like carrots, so we shouldn't either.

Companies that sells sex is promoting lust. They do this by mind control or brainwashing on the media through subliminals and etc. This makes sex over rated.

Regarding Alcholics you don't know 1, This woman I knew was a sex maniac because she was always depressed she drove most of her old friends by her negativity not just sex but violence and hate as well. She never touched me.

People who have sex with no Love is lust, what I mean by sex obsessed they have sex with no love ie thinking with their genitals.

You on the other hand are married so there is not a problem with you.

I know another guy who only prayed on the Vunerables(Mentallly Ill Woman) for Sex. She asked him do you love the woman, he said no therefore he acted on lust.

As for people saying Sex is negative it may have something do with being at the base chakra which is lowest. I am still trying to understand this one.

How can you say you are not obssesed about it when you agree "that you will die without it"?.That is obsession.

You by saying "it's intimacy, connection , love and everything inbetween." is just sugarcoating your own words when your actions just shows that you are nothing different from a sIut =.=.

To rephrase my sentences Vinnie, people who sought after sex(obsession) are evil, because it is a sin.Adam and eve did not have sex because they are sex maniacs.They are clueless beings who made a mistake.

Put it bluntly when I last visited a friend who tried to go sexual with me she saw I was not comfortable with it, She was Mormon and I told her not to break the rules. I totally refused to be any part of it. She apologise to me.

I refused to anything sexual because I thought I was asexual she thought I have some sort of fear which I am still trying to find a root of. I have started to notice Christians don't seem to understand it this is another reasons why I question religion as I am no part of an organised religion.

As for Adam and Eve I tend to question the bible too. They were commanded to reproduce. Its eating off the tree when they made a mistake.

I tend to keep to myself If I wasnt abused sexually as a child I may have a different view on it all. I don't trust people very easily. The people who mentioned above I have nothing to do with them especially the alcoholic.

Happinesswinsx you are married I don't see a problem with your situation

leonatan, Its people like my parents, my work collegues who actually talk dirty and as if people are objects I will not tolerate and will not socialise with them. I wont put up with that level of talk its degrading. This is what I mean by sex obsessed talking about how they have sex and etc with vulgar words are often given a silent treatment. Do this kind of talk in the bedroom not infront of Children or those who do not want to hear it. Yes My mum did talk dirty in front of a child who was abused by her father and I told my mother off. I refuse to socialise with them now same goes to my work colleagues.

That kind of talk is what comes out of a brainwashed mind in the society. People are not Objects they are people. This kind of talk seems to be socially normal. Being Celibate seems to be consider not socially acceptable. Screw the Society in my view.

Vinnie01, i see a problem with Happinesswinsx because she has an obsession with sex.
Sex is meant to be enjoyed, a form of intimacy yes, not a routine like "oh if i don`t have sex from my spouse today, i have to look elsewhere".
For me, i feel that it is wrong to see it that way.
That no sex = die.
Is that her purpose of life?
I cannot stand how people like her should live because she is another waste of oxygen.
Some people who wants to be treated as objects, they only look like people, but they are objects within lol.
However, the way you speak of your view of society is a little harsh, probably because of your bad experiences that you have had, because there are many people who are not sex-obssesed, these people are just less seen on EP, because they won`t know "the other side view of the world" exists.

Last note Happinesswinsx, we needs carrots which is under the food category to survive.No food = no survival.But you don`t see many of us here dying without sex.

There is no point arguing about what is normal with either of you.
Without lust , humans would not procreate. It is a normal urge.
Vinnie.. you seem to have a damaged view of sex, i am sorry that you have been hurt by bad people. Sex did not hurt you , they did.
I have had my share of bad exp. involving a few men and sex. I don't let that cause me to think all men are bad , or sex is evil.
Religion has a lot to answer for when it comes to brainwashing people into thinking that sex and masturbat*on are a sin...they are normal human behaviours.
Leonatan.... people like me are a "waste of oxygen " !!!
Wow , you have some serious problems.
I will not die without sex, i simply chose to include it in my life.
You will not die if you don't eat carrots, it's up to you.
There is nothing wrong with either choice, and you can't judge or label people for making it.
I am not a SL*T...i do not look elsewhere for sex. I include it in my normal life with my normal husband.But you wouldn't understand that.
Sex is not our purpose in life ,we find it a wonderful, fullfilling part of our life, and you wouldn't understand that either.
It's in our boilogy. We are designed to enjoy it , if we weren't we wouldn't clima*.
Look out...i might be your neighbor ! Maybe i am , sorry if the sounds of our pleasure keep you up at night.

Your word "procreate" makes me want to laugh.
I am not saying it is wrong of you to like sex.
But you are simply too obsessed with it but you don`t want to admit it.
Sex is just another activity.
It doesn`t contribute to the society.
So it isn`t "fulfilling" in other words "meaningful".
"Urge" by the way not everyone has that urge if you happens to read in the columns of ILIASM, the "urge" is not a human natural instinct to want sex, but it is your "mindset" or "view" that causes that "urge" and anyone elses who share the same "view" as you.

Holy crap, I was with you all the way until you said "the "urge" is not a human natural instinct to want sex." You could not be more wrong. Just because you don't understand that urge because you don't have it, doesn't mean it isn't human natural instinct. We are just different people. I'm taking the time to understand you, as asexual people, so I can be better friends to those I come in contact with throughout my life. You seem to think anyone who has these urges are somehow inhuman and not worth understanding. Sorry you feel that way, but you do nothing but isolate yourself more by acting this way. Your choice.

In other words, you are mentally screwed up for calling me someone "with problems".
I don`t kill, i don`t torture.
It is not in human biology to want sex, it is the human mind.
I am not saying that you are abnormal for "thinking that way", but your brain just isn`t that developed for stereotyping every person in one box.

In other words, you are sightly immoral and shallow.

Many people in ILIASM say that their Refusing spouse/ partner had a sex drive, but lost it due to external pressures or mental issues, or hormonal issues, or a childhood of abuse etc.Most of us have a "lust ", sex drive , urge, libido, etc within us. We tend to lose it due to some sort of bad exp. , injury , illness, abuse, or stress factor.
I do not believe that sex is solely to be used to boost our species. And it was never meant to "contribute "to society ! It is meaningful to the people enjoying it and nothing more.
The world is full of asexual people, but many of them are like this because they have been changed in some way. The rest may simply have no interest.
Don't forget about those who have such a bad view of sex ,thanks to religion , that they are terrified to even exp. it . There choice , their loss.
Just realized why you think i am a waste of oxygen....i do consume a lot during sex. LOL.

You said that it is "meaningful to the people who enjoys it", that is right for you, but for the society it is meaningless, so you trying to bring out how it benefits the rest of the population is futile and makes no sense.
"The world is full of asexual people, but many of them are like this because they have been changed in some way." - this is the minority so = not true in most cases
"The rest may simply have no interest." - finally you have understood *facepalm*, the reason?Because they don`t like to indulge in lust.
"Don't forget about those who have such a bad view of sex ,thanks to religion , that they are terrified to even exp. it . There choice , their loss." - Not true, there are those who are abused who are addicted to sex.
The reason i can give for your obsession to sex is just simply your love for lust that makes you different from the asexuals.

Finally.. some sense.
Yes my love for lust makes me different from asexuals. I didn't say there is anything wrong with being asexual, or gay or bi or whatever.Im not judging anyone.
Sex between individuals has nothing to do with society, it only has meaning in people personal lives.
Yes there are people who were abused that are addicted to sex, this is because they have a skewed idea of what sex will provide for them when they are seaking comfort etc. This is a whole other discussion.
I am not trying to prove to you that sex benefits the rest of the population...i am just sick of you saying that sex is a bad thing.

But it is bad because it is lust whether you choose to accept it or not.

Lust is a sin btw.

Like i said, religion told you that. I do not believe in any of that, i still have a healthy attitude to what nature gave us.

Btw, FYI, i am a free thinker.

I have never read the bible.

Ya your nature is going to proof that when you die, you will be truely dead, just like how you are now.

Wow......you forgot to take your medication again , didn't you?
Idiot .

Well, you are being deillusional again, SIUT.

And if that's you in your profile pic.....you look SO happy with your life ..NOT.

It is just a profile pic, well i hope you die early and become a better/different person than you are now in your next life, now i am just going to avoid you because you are different from me.

And when you do become a different person in your next life, definately you won`t regconise your current behaviour or comprehend it anymore, but will have flash backs of everything that you said now and feel disgusted by it.

I guess the worst karma one can have is having the past haunt you forever, yet you cannot regconize it.

Thanks ...
If I die early ...i will spend all my time haunting you.
Grow up !

Oh yeah...i will never regret my choices in life.
I will have no regrets .

If you don`t have a soul, how can you even haunt me lol!!!
A tiny pea like you don`t scare me anyway.
Yes, nobody will ever regret their decision, maybe some will, but hey, you may not regret now, but in your next life, you won`t know.

You don`t have to be sarcastic.
You are different from me and i understand why you are like this.
Just because you are different, just hope you know that you don`t look cool being ignorant like a dumbass.

I am not bashing you for being different, though i should because you bash me first.

LOL... i'm happy , you can do what you like...hang on...you can deny yourself what you want.
Come back in 20 years , and tell me what a wonderful life you've had.
I will not be sorry for the choices i have made . I'm living my life .

Yeah, you are living a dead life, living zombie.

Look out ...i'm coming !!!!!

42 More Responses

Talk to your guy if he still insists the way that he is, you know that you are with the wrong man.
But sometimes, because you reject sex from him, he might suffer from low self esteem(negative emotions) that result in more aggressive and needy advances of sex.

Your guy has a problem, because if you read up "ILIASM" that many women are divorcing their husband due to the lack of sex, proves that it has nothing to do with men having more "hormones" and "women" having less or none stereotype.

Only people with "negative emotions" indulge in sex.

Ok, this is a moronic statement. Sorry, that had to be said.

Are you usually feeling negative emotions in the past?
Usually negative emotions are what makes someone "horny" aka "needy".
That is why you feel like a prostitute and disgusted when you have sex nowadays, it is normal.
Sex is never a "positive activity" in the first place.
It won`t be classify as "negative" or "yin" or "bad" energy to begin with.

Even more moronic. You have no idea what you are talking about. I don't expect you to understand, really. How could you? But if you don't understand, you don't know.

You're the retard.
Ugly and disgusting is what you are.
No wonder nobody wants you hahas.

So sorry I never responded to this since it's so worthy of a response. You haven't even made an attempt to understand the feelings of others. That being said, it's funny how you force yourself be with a person who clearly doesn't want you and then rationalizes it by thinking that's just the way life is supposed to be. Very healthy. Making fun of the pain of others, even more healthy. My best wishes for you. Yours is going to be a long suffering life of passionless existence, but I feel worse for your platonic partner. He's going to suffer worst of all. He has you. But don't feel bad. Even though one of your experiences states that "I want him to seduce me" you can rest assured no one ever will, in any way. And that gives me joy. Ugly disgusting joy :)

You have a very distorted idea of what sex is. I hope that if you get into a relationship, you let the person know early how you feel about sex. That way, you can be with someone who shares your perspective instead of making miserable a person with a normal sex drive.

1 More Response

What you are going through is normal. It's natures way of ensuring that you focus on your child.It can improve by itself, over time, .........but can linger for years too. If that"s the case , you need to address it and find your way back.
Now the fact that you've got yourself in a sticky situation???....that's a whole other ball game. Good luck.

Just curious, also...if you want to answer--it's kind of personal--but did you breast-feed? I did, and I just wonder if that's related.

Yes, only for two weeks though. I was told that just one week made a huge difference because of the colostrum. My son was free of any sickness or fever until he started teething at 7 months.

I think this is one of the best kept secrets in our society. Everyone will tell you there's something wrong with you except your doctor. People will suggest you get your thyroid checked, but chances are, it'll be fine. If you look online for help, everything will suggest that you must have been a victim of sexual abuse at some point. Men, and possibly even your own man, will suspect that you must "be getting it somewhere", because they can't fathom that someone NEVER wants sex. NO ONE wants to admit that there MUST be some sort of hormonal change for some women after they have babies. <br />
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There are jokes about how married people don't have sex. But yet, people are shocked that it's actually somewhat true.<br />
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My "babies" are 16, 15 and almost 13 years old. After I had my 16 year old, I never wanted it again. My 15 year old was an "oops", but my 13 year old was practically a miracle....proof that it "only takes one time"...cuz that's all there was! My husband couldn't believe I was pregnant when he was conceived.<br />
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I have asked my OB/GYN and three different general practitioners and they all say that it's fairly common. But, ask any man and he will tell you it's absolutely a huge problem and it will begin to feel like it's all your fault. People will tell you how important sex is and you will start to feel like you have to pretty much submit because your husband just "can't" live without it.<br />
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I always wondered what would happen if I were in an accident and paralyzed. If I physically couldn't have sex would he come to me and tell me he had to get a divorce because he couldn't "not have sex"?<br />
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Anyway, that has been my experience. I get to the point where I just dread it. If you find something to "get it back", I'd love to hear about it. I hate that it is such a bone of contention. I WISH I wanted to, but I just literally NEVER even think about it, let alone WANT it.<br />
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So, I guess I just want you to know that no matter what people tell you...I think you're probably normal! <br />
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Good Luck :)

A lot has happened since I first posted this experience. I had an affair with an old flame. I don't recommend this but it did spark my desire to have sex. At first it was about companionship and fun and then it turned sexual. I was more curious to see if I was "broken." I found out I'm not and it bumped my confidence. I believe after I had a child with my fiance' I saw/see him in a different way. I stopped viewing him as a sexual partner and as strictly my child's father. When I am with my fiance' I fantasize about when I was with my previous lover or I get tipsy. My fiance' and I agreed on once a week, so I drink once a week. The problem I have now is trying to stop seeing the other lover and not getting caught. Sex is mental and physical. You just have to find something sexually appealing about that person and thrive on that. I worry that I might never reinvent a sexual longing for my fiance' and I'll forever be a cheater.


I do have hypothyroid and that is a big part of it if I am not on proper medication, which is VERY hard to get. You have to be tested CORRECTLY and that is very hard to get any doctor to do...see the Thyroid Sexy group on Facebook...it's allllll there and a wonderful group of woman with NO SEX DRIVE and many other issues...it's amazing how much comes from being just the smallest tad off. Having children can make you go hypo or hyper...or exacerbate it if it was undetected before.
Since on my meds (and after 3 kids in 9 years) I feel SO much more better...now if my hubby was a true hubby and not a self-centered jerk, I'd LOVE sex...not becusae it's sex, but because we would be wraped up together happy and snuggly...I need that part of sex, not just the in &amp; out part.
I hate the smells, the sensations, the sweat, the hip cramps, the messy hair...I hate all of it...but when I feel loved, the very few times I did...I really did not mind. It was funny &amp; cute that we were all "mussed up"...but now it's a disgusting inconveniene because now I have to set aside the things I have to do before I can finally get some rest AND I am going to smell like sex and look like crap because he does not help with the kids enough for me to even bathe but every few days if I am lucky (TMI, but hey, I'm being honest here!)...and he thinks I am up for a quickie?!? Man has lost his friggin' mind...my idea of a quickie is a shower or using the bathroom with the door closed!