Just as a note, this is a really long read.

This past summer has been an interesting one. Really interesting and eye-opening.
To preface, I'm not the most open guy, or the nicest. I'm incredibly cold, aloof and emotionally detached. My upbringing and being bullied for all of school tends to do that.
The program I TA'd for was one I myself did in HS, where I was in no uncertain terms, a quiet, antisocial, arrogant *******. I didn't make friends and lasting connections that all the other kids made, and they all hated me. Had some people tell me this. Can't blame them as I look back at it all.
Same thing for HS. Senior year had people telling me they hated me, but now they just tolerate me or hate me less. Definitely not good for my psyche. Probably was depressed for most of my life, but have never gotten it checked. Taboo in my family.
Girls made fun of me. Not a single girl has ever liked me, checked me out, hinted at liked me, gave me a look, etc. I've been laughed at, cussed out, yelled at, ignored, etc. This includes the girls I did ask out as well. Scars me to this day.
Taking a rejection is one thing. Getting repeated heartbreaking rejection after heartbreaking rejection takes your confidence and self-esteem and pounds it into the dirt. Even after constantly working on yourself everyday to better yourself for you and trying again. You lose hope. You become a cynic. You remember that the emotional side you had and you exhibited as a kid has brought you immense pain, pain that at the age of 20 still exists.
But surprisingly, I had hope when I got the TA job. In a moment of hope, I thought I could 1. Correct the error of my ways 2. See the city of Boston/Cambridge that I love so much 3. Show some students that they can achieve greatness.
And for this summer, it worked.. for the most part. I wasn't the socially awkward, arrogant ******* that people hated for life. I was still a loner, but I slowly broke out of my shell. Approaching and talking to people got easier, and apparently I was humorous in some way.
And then I see it all come crashing down due to a girl. There was a girl who was also a TA during the program. Incredibly smart, we all were but she set the standard. She was drop-dead gorgeous, with such a curvaceous figure that she knew she had, flaunted it, and made dudes go like "Daaaaaaaaayyyyyuuuuummm". But she was also extremely nice and thoughtful.
Typically for girls I like this, I know I stand not a chance in hell besides having a regular conversation with her. That goes for all girls.
Another guy TA I talked to noticed I had a thing for her and told me to ask her out. I was reluctant for weeks, he and multiple people had to convince me. I had fears of like whether she had a boyfriend, bae, fwb, etc., whether she was interested in some way, the amount of dudes interested (oh she had suitors)...
I asked, and surprisingly, she said yes. Even came by the night before when I was talking with other TAs asking if I was ready for our date tomorrow. I was happy and genuinely excited for the first time since I actually got the job.
Spent a lot of time getting ready that morning getting ready, picked out my outfit, pulled out all the stops. Even got into my zone by playing some basketball.
Then she texts me an hour before the date saying she had to go home to watch her sister. Parents got called into work on short notice. That's fine, no issue there. She's extremely family oriented and I respect and admire that. She asks can we reschedule, of course I say yes.
Wait a couple of days, then talk to her during a training break. Discussed what days and times worked for us. Decided on the next evening after training. Still excited at this point, happy for this chance.
Then the morning of the date as I'm heading to training... get another text saying she has to ask to reschedule again, as she has a family reunion at the same time as our would be date. Again, I'm cool with this, I understand **** happens. Just sort of had a feeling like "You wouldn't know something like this beforehand?"
So.. sadly the rescheduling never happened, so the date never happened. All my excitement, effort, and work I had put in to get to this point and overcome so much was just..stopped.
Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely proud of what I had managed to accomplish. On the other hand, I'm a bit disappointed in how things went out. Add to the fact that she didn't even glance my way, say hi to me when we walked by each other, really act like I exist. So yeah...
Then comes the last night before everyone heads out.. we sort of have a TA get together. Funny moments like a TA roasting session ensue, every gets a fair bit of ribbing.
What hurt the most though was not my ribbing, but learning afterwards that as the guys and girls separated into gender groups to come up with things for the other group, the girls group and her laughed at her flaking on me. Made fun of me for it. Like she never intended to go through with it. It didn't help that for the other girl TAs, as I worked on my openness with many, things were shared and revealed, like me never having a girlfriend, kissing a girl, etc. Didn't expect that to happen on this date; I wanted to know the girl better.
But it hurts to know that things you tell people and hope you don't get crushed for are used as ways to make fun of you, especially when you're incredibly insecure and self-conscious about it, and they know that.
So I leave Boston this summer incredibly downtrodden, beat up and ultimately I think worse than where I was before. This echoes a lot of the things that happened in my previous rejections, and is a primary component in why I really don't feel comfortable asking girls out anymore, or trusting others. A few people (2, who texted me afterwards) admitted how they went about my ribbing was ****** up. In addition they also admitted that they wanted me to ask her out, but they didn't believe it would go well anyways.. so I feel like I wasted my effort.
I don't know really what to make of this anymore, but needed to vent, and need feedback, comments, advice, etc. Thank you if you even read the TL;DR
TL;DR Worked hard on to overcome personal issues, asked a beautiful girl out; she flaked on me twice, didn't acknowledge me afterwards, makes fun of personal things I shared.
odm3 odm3
Aug 21, 2014