Here We Go Again

Eight years. Depressed. Frustrated Confused. Medication not working.... Let's try..... Up the dose... Change the medication.... Immune? Resistant? Don't know. Can't answer that. Dont you hate when a meds not working you're asked... Did you try this or that? How did it work? Uh look at the chart nimwit. How can I answer that question when I can't remember? How about.. There's no magic pill? Not telling me anything I don't know already? But how about you need to change your life style? Sure. I'll go out with people. I'll do some things that I remember USED to make me happy. Been there done all that. So uh what's the problem ?? How about give me something to help fix the neurological wires in my brain .. Doesn't take a rocketscientist to figure out that one. And maybe when they are fixed all the horrible things my mind thinks I am capable of, well then maybe it will be possible to be CAPABLE. to think with clarity, to be able to work something out in my head before I act. Hell make my self come alive. I don't want to be on meds. But I may HAVE to be on them. I am just so sick of changing them repeatedly
I mean it's gotta be doing something, maybe hurtful? to what's in my head,happening to me.....arranging and rearranging wires Some people are lucky on the first few go arounds with meds. Me? Not so lucky and I see it everyday on EP. I just want to be fixed. It's not asking too much. Let me be the one out of ten instead of the nine out of ten. Let me enjoy life not just being stabilized. Mood stabilizer. Sure I can live in my hidey hole right? Not want I want. I think. Live not survive. Remembering the person I was prior to 2004, jeez what a difference. What a disaster. What the hell. It's just not enough to say I care. Not enough to say I believe in me. Not easy to think and hope that tomorrow is going to be better. How long can a person think like that when it doesn't help, doesn't work. Yeah I want to be fixed. I may need meds to live. Just get it right damn it. The waiting is unbearable. Want to just live my life in peace
ilove2tri ilove2tri
51-55, F
1 Response Jan 8, 2013

Living with depression is not easy . I have good and bad days too !! Hang in there.