The Other Person

Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can control their feelings really well. I have always been that "other" person. The one who cares too much, or too fast, or too easily. I tell myself everytime that I am going to be better the next time, keep my feelings in check, make sure that the other person is just as invested as I am, yet...stupid me...I do the same thing over and over. Every single time, I wind up getting hurt. I hate caring so much. I want to be more closed off, better at controlling how I feel, and better about waiting to invest my emotions. I dont want to stop feeling all together, but I would love to be a better judge of when its right, to keep my heart from getting broken so many times. Everytime it gets broken, it gets permanantly damaged a little bit more. Sometimes I wonder how many times its gonna take before it stays that way. I really envy those that have the ability to judge a situation with a little more clearheadedness and wait before investing thier emotions.
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3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I'm starting to have occasional control. It's been a rough year emotionally, and I am finally starting the shut down process. If caring too little makes me a compulsive *****, at least the caring too much isn't making me suicidal.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a lecture, but I want to tell you something about my wife.

Her trust in her own judgment is 100% broken. It's painful to watch, and it's painful to live with. And it's impossible to support, given enough time and no progress toward healing.

She had an allergic reaction to some meds long ago, and wound up in ER. I held her hand and reassured her while they saved her life.

She'd always been making decisions based on what was the most gloomy worst-case result of choices to make, but when she came out of that she had become ruled by her fear, with a raging case of OCD.

She's turned into a totally different person. A monster. I hate to say it, but yep, she's a monster. She stares at the oven before leaving the house, unable to trust her own eyes, looking at the damned thing, which hasn't been turned on since the night before. She makes me check her bills, make sure they're signed and have the right amount, then I have to seal and mail them. Because she doesn't trust her own judgement.

I feel a great deal of pity for her. But the darker side is with fear in the driver's seat, she has no inhibitions against hurting people she loves, because that kind of fear never believes there is anything to lose, all choices are doomed, all is already lost. When she feels that way, which is frequently, she gets viciously abusive.

And since I'm her partner, and our world together is horribly messed up in her eyes, and she's terrified to take any responsibility, then naturally: everything that goes wrong is all my fault.

Please, understand me: I've had some very bad incidents with trusting my own judgement. Even quite recently. Some things I'll never forget what a bonehead thing I'd done. But to turn off such a vital part of your personality, it will pervert you into something else... some kind of monster.

Not to say you're like my wife, but do try not to resent yourself for your mistakes. Forgive them. Learn from them, yes. If you can't see what puzzled you, it's okay, you still need to face the decisions in your life and do the best you can. Not trusting part of yourself can backfire horribly, even ruin your life. I saw that happen right before my very eyes.

Yeah, I do now. Because in the years since the problem I'm describing became acute, she's destroyed our relationship, one tantrum after another. When the problem first turned up, I was not pitying her, I was supporting her, doing everything I could to make sure I was by her side, doing everything I could to help her come out of this. I studied the hell out of it, I went to therapy with her, I saw the same therapist as her on my own, all in support of making sure I was doing my very best to help, and not be part of the problem.

My bad. That put me at ground zero.

But the point I was making to the OA here was advising her not to shut down her feelings over these traumatic experiences.

Maybe she's wiser than I am. Today marks 106 days since my best friend told me I meant nothing to her in the first place, that I'm an "Internet Friend" - something disposable, and meaningless. The words were brutal and heartless, and the timing was cowardly, she did this while she KNEW I was offline, helpless to take a stand, or even to beg for mercy, which I did... even though as far as I know she was never to return to that contact point to even hear my pleas for forgiveness. 106 days later and I'm still waking up every morning wishing she would even be willing to say "hi" which was all she said she was willing to do anymore. And I still look at that account every day, wishing in vain that it would light up just one more time, even if just to give me the closure she promised long before that cowardly, brutal message.
Perhaps the original author here was right. If only I could shut off that feeling. But I've heard this from others.... "I realised I can't get over it. I can only move on." I can't make myself not love this person any more than I could when I was trying so desperately to keep my feelings from ruining the friendship. I'm failing now just as I did then.
So, yeah. Maybe the original author here was right. Maybe it IS better to close that off and not feel anything anymore. Sometimes, like today - the pain is almost unbearable. She... she once knew just what to say that made me feel better when I was facing such awful events in my life. But now, all points tallied, her coming into my life was a major setback. Missing her friendship has been a major drag on my efforts to leave my toxic marriage.
Sorry... I'm rambling. The point is, yeah, my wife deserves my pity. But after what SHE'S done to me, she deserves nothing more than that anymore. And THAT'S a pity.

Never hate caring too much , it is always rewarding even if only by feeling better about being human, and from experience you will always find people that truly care for u in the time of need

Easy thing to say until being punished for caring too much.