I Am Powerless

I cannot stand it. I hate that I tolerate and even indulge in it sometimes myself.

 I can't bring myself to kiss him unless I'm too drunk too notice the disgusting taste and smell of an ash tray. i fantasize about kissing other people... anybody, just to remember what it felt like to enjoy kissing someone.

His clothes reek of it. I'm embarrassed in social situations. I wonder where he's ****** off to and there he is standing by himself puffing away.

I want to slap him.

How many times has he overdraw our bank account buying smokes? I cannot count the times. He even used our daughters savings account without telling me. I go to buy food with the last of our cash and it's not there. Hundreds, thousands of dollars wasted. Nothing to show for it. I feel guilty when I buy new clothes, even I genuinely need them. Him family think I am indulgent and wasteful but no one mentions that thousands every year he spends of nothing. Less than nothing. How much will it cost when he gets sick? Emphysema? Cancer? Does he think himself invincible?He already looks much older than his peers. And our daughter? What a great thing to teach her. Children learn mostly from example.

Every time he has a smoke I see a weak, uncontrolled man. I degrades my respect for him.

I have tried to accept it but it's there, in my face all the time. And the more I grit me teeth and hold my tongue the more he smokes, like a dog let off the leash. My acceptance achieves nothing, it only excerbates the problem.

He's tried to quit. He even quit for 6 months when I was pregnant and then started back up again. He quits for a few days and then starts again. He promised that he would quit before we got married. He promised to quit when we had kids. Now he doesn't promise anything. I am to just put up with it. I also have asthma and I enjoy the occasional smoke and having it around all the time makes it quite a challenge for me to resist. I don't worry for it when it's not around.

I cannot accept it. I tell myself its just one thing. We all have flaws, weaknesses. I have weaknesses. He is loving and kind. And does it really matter? It does .I desire a clean life. I life where he is not controlled every minute by addiction. I wish he could hate something as much as I hate him smoking.

What can I do? Nothing. I am completely powerless. Someone I love is hurting themselves and those around them and I am powerless.I cannot bring about change. I have tried everything. It makes me feel like less of a person. 

angrybitch2 angrybitch2
26-30, F
Feb 14, 2010