This Would Be Easier To Fix If You Didn't Live So Far Away...

My names Maryanne and I'm 18 years old, up until July 13, 2012 I was dealing with self harm. HE helped me stop.
Who is he? His name is Seth, he's 20 and he's the man I'm in love with. We live 423 miles apart. Ontario to Michigan.
(PLEASE keep in mind that through all of this... Sadly, we have never actually been together, in a relationship.... :/)
We had met online at the end of January of this year and we've talked ever since.

At first we we're just friends, because I had a boyfriend at the time, but after a few weeks he broke up with me. After that Seth and I had started talking more often often, he made me feel better about it and eventually started calling me little names like darling, dear, sweetheart, etc. and I had started calling him hun and sweetie. It was pretty obvious that we had started liking each other.
We were commenting on each others pictures on Facebook, posting on each others walls, always texting, etc.

We had then moved on to Skyping. The first time we had ever skyped, we stayed on just talking for 6 hours. I didn't stop smiling once, and he took it upon himself to compliment me and make me blush as much as he could. This continued on to becoming almost an every night thing.

On March 13th, he told me he had fallen in love with me. And I of course, had fallen in love with him as well.

After that things were going great, amazing actually..

But then, one day, in May.. A guy friend of mine asked me to go to a party with him.. I didn't want to go, I don't like drinking, or parties but he kept asking and then I had given in saying that I would go. I told him I would have ONE drink. Now since I usually never drink, and if I do it's just maybe a cooler.. The alcohol affected me pretty quickly. In my drunken state, I let my guy friend kiss me. A lot...

(Don't stop reading here if you've made it this far, I know I cheated, and I beat myself up for it everyday.)

So the next day when I got up and realized what I had done, I knew I had to tell Seth what had happened.. Of course he was upset and heartbroken over it.. He stopped talking to me for a couple days, but then finally texted me saying, "Maryanne, what you did was wrong, but I forgive you and we can get past this."

After that my conscious had it at me for a week before I couldn't handle it anymore.. I told him I couldn't deal with it anymore, that I was sorry and that I love him.. He then cut off all contact with me...
Then about two weeks after this had happened, the guy I cheated on Seth with asked me out. I thought, hey maybe I can get over Seth and be happy with someone here... That lasted about a month and a half...

Seth added me on facebook again(July 8th, two months after all this happened). I cried when I saw the friend request. I accepted a day later. I was too scared to talk to him first, and he hadn't made any effort to talk to me..
About 5 days after being friends over facebook again, he messaged me. We talked for 6 and a half hours that day. I cried, for 6 and a half hours.

The next day I broke up with the guy. I knew what I was doing wasn't right. I was telling Seth that I was still in love with him, while with this other guy, who I had been using(I never really realized what I was doing)....
From there, things were going uphill. Then one day Seth told me to move on from him and find someone who lived close to me so I could be happy... The day after I sent him his birthday presents...

So we stopped talking. Then one day he messaged me again on facebook, saying he had gotten the things I sent him, and that he finally realized how much I love and care about him(I had made him a card and sent him a journal for when he can't sleep with a bunch of cute, lovey things written in them...). He also explained that he had talked to my so-called "best friend" about us, and asked her for advice... He said that she had told him I was trying to "get with" THREE other guys while with him. THREE. I asked him why he believed her without even talking to me about it.. He said he didn't know and he was just scared that a repeat of what happened before was going to happen...

After that we were good again.. He recently had started talking about our future together, getting married, all the cats we would have(crazy cat man...), our future child.. He even started calling my mom, 'mom'.
(And again, not once have we been officially "together")

So a few nights ago I asked him what he considers us to be.. And he told me "I'm not sure".

Because he still doesn't trust me from when I drunken cheated on him... Now I understand that it's so extremely hard to gain trust back, but to have gained nothing back after all this? After all the things we've talked about..? Nothing?

It hurts.. I still want to try to work this out, but I'm falling back into depression because of this..

I love him with all my heart, and I want him to trust me again.. I want to be able to have him say he wants me to be his girlfriend.. I want him to be able to say that he wants a future with me again..

I know this story doesn't end the way it should.. But despite the fact that he doesn't trust me, he still says he's in love with me.. Now I don't know if it's completely possible but maybe that means he does want to trust me again, it's just hard.. I understand that so well.. I just want us to be able to love each other with full trust once again..

He means everything to me, the world.. And I can't lose him.

I guess this was more of a rant than anything, but if you've actually read all this, thank you for taking the time to..
marebear141 marebear141
18-21, F
1 Response Sep 21, 2012

This hurts to read.
It sounds like it's going SOMEwhere at lest, albiet slowly.... I really hope it works out for you. You seem like such a great couple.
Good luck and please keep us updated!

It was hard to write, after I wrote it, we hadn't talked until about two weeks ago.. He told me he wanted to be friends again. We barely talked really, but then he messaged me and told me he's been thinking about me a lot, and everything that's happened between us.. Then, six days ago.. He FINALLY asked me to be his girlfriend! I have to say I'm one of the happiest girls alive.. (: