Written on September 12th, 2011
I HATE Army life. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. Have you ever noticed that many kids are having freak outs because their dad is gone or because they had to move or because their best friend had to move. This happens way too often! I am SOOOOO SICK OF IT. We've had to move at the most ridiculous, obnoxious times, and my husband often deploys or goes TDY at a moment's notice. When we do have notice, everything centers around how many days until he deploys. We try to get it all in. And then R&R, are we going to be fertile? Are we going to go away or stay home? The kids finally adjust to him being home, then have to have a long readjustment period when he goes again. Then there is more countdowns and more adjustments and more PCSes etc etc etc. I couldn't care less that I have "had the opportunity to live in Europe". Not that I am not grateful, it just wasn't worth the stress. I simply can't do this anymore (8 years now, we were supposed to be out 3 years ago) Stupid &*$%##&*@! stop loss and then being convinced to take the @#$#@&*@ bait the Army gives you. And I am either being begged for favors by other Army wives difficult situations or having to beg people myself. I have gone through 1 miscarriage by myself since my husband was deployed. I had another miscarriage and when I was having a D&C my husband was busy arranging how to get his keys to someone so they could cover for him at work. I can never escape the Army coming first. My husband is a great guy and he doesn't MEAN for it to be that way, but he is so brainwashed. I would not care if they offered $10 million at retirement. BUT if we get out, I'm the terrible person who made my husband give up the career he is amazing at. I love him so much and wish I could be supportive, but my heart is not in it and my kids are adversely affected. It really irks me when I hear other wives saying how supportive they are of their husbands and medical insurance this, and deployment money that. How can they ignore the fact that their kids are in shambles? There are all sorts of poems at my daughter's school about how angry many kids are that their dad had to deploy again and how that makes them feel. It's like, do these people not see what this is doing to their family? I know it is a very honorable career and OF COURSE I respect what soldiers do for our country, but more often than not, their families are falling apart and they keep adding more time on their contract! I am not a selfish person - in fact, very caring - but I have an obligation to my children to give them a solid foundation. Money is not an issue, I work part time and make very decent money. I would work more if I had to. I resent my husband for this lifestyle, even though a lot of it isn't his fault and he technically does include me in the decision to stay in (begging for over a month - I just wanted some peace - and to be supportive instead of a roadblock). I keep thinking over and over again that he put us in a position to have to live by Army rules. I went to college for 10 years, have an advanced degree, and HATE the fact that I have to be completely controlled by the Army. I know God is in control, but I am so angry at what the Army does to my family that it has interferred with my faith in God. We have free will! (I keep going over in my head.) Then I say, God has a plan. What is the answer cause I have turned into a very angry person. Also, a judgemental person about the motives of struggling families. Is money really worth it? Do you see what this is doing to your kids??? (I don't say this, I just sit and stew about it) I don't even like myself at this point, but I have had to pick up the pieces the Army has sent me for so long that I have found that I cannot just "suck it up". It affects me everyday and I am not who I thought I would be as a mother because of all the guilt for feeling this way, the accrued anger, and the feelings of hopelessness. I am just not cut out for this. Unfortunately, my husband is - in a big way. Divorce is not an option. He says he'll get out for me, but we are so damn far in at this point and he keeps saying the hard part is over - plus he's super successful. Can someone just give me the answers!