Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda Beens...

Once upon a time a little girl with bright blue eyes was born to some misguided individuals who thought the child would fix their broken marriage. Consumed by their own pain they neglected and abused the child. Finally parting ways and the father took custody. The father and other family members were so monopolized by their injuries and unaware of coping resources they chose to deal with the child's obvious need for help and (extreme abuse) recovery through passive denial. The father spent all his life immersed in his work and professional obligations avoiding any sign of an emotion encouraging environment.
The only time the girl saw her father present in time and place was during Christmas. At Christmas the father would shower her with every gift imaginable, play with her, and even spend time with her for a little while on that day. And that day and holidays were soured by every other day in her upbringing.
The little girl would become ill and spend six years in a hospital basically alone. It is on the edge of death that she would develop a relationship with God and become a Christian. A medical miracle occurred and the little girl recovered. She would attempt to go to school and through life like her peers but she would never be like any of them, she would be alone.
The not so little any more girl met a man who was not what he appeared. And he swept her off her feet to elope. The man was not a very nice man at all, he was a very angry dangerous man. But luckily the girl escaped to safety through the grace of God.
The girl-woman obtained help for her hurts. She worked hard to legally and financially escape the wicked mans entrapment. And she empowered herself until she was healthy enough to help others. She is on a journey now attempting to follow that dream stunted by the economy and educational costs. She is hopeful and determined professionally. However; regardless of what the woman knows, she is not alien but human and feelings of loneliness can be soo very heavy and suffocating especially during the holidays. And she wonders when her holiday will come.
tinyheart tinyheart
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 30, 2012

I feel your pain and understand your struggle of being alone. Because the bible says God is jealous for us, sometimes I think He does want us just for Himself; and if we can hold on to Him thru this thing called life and master being in the world but not of it, then one day our 'holiday' really will come. At times I am tempted to quit and just grab whatever temporary happiness I can get from what life I have left. But I know better, having already been deceived by that. And something in me keeps me holding on to a hope for something better and to keep with the life I have now been called to. What is that if not perhaps God Himself keeping His promise to never leave us. God is with us now indeed. And in those blessed moments when I can shut the world out and truly have my eyes on Jesus no matter what the world around me is doing or celebrating-- well it's those moments that keep me going and longing for more. I believe it will come. Keep going tinyheart~ hugs()