I Love Her For Everything She Is, So Why Should I Have to Love What Isnt Her?

im 23 just recently and dating a 25yr old mother of 2.  shes had a hard life, and i'm aware.  i hear about her past and it hurts every time.  shes made her stupid decisions as have most of us, myself included.  it just seems they are so numerous and all consist of "looking for something i never got."  her words, not mine.  it seems to me she finally understands that love cannot be found in the pants, no matter how hard you try. 

but she constantly talks about wanting to wear sexy clothes... as if there is such a thing.  she wears make-up sometimes, as well, though i never notice.  when i do, i honestly cringe a bit, though i dont think she's caught it.

however, having passed over the topic before and her leaving me under the impression she would contemplate her decision, she again brought up plastic surgery and her will to 'enhance' her chest.  lets be blunt.  her breasts are a bit deflated.  i never thought i would be attracted to that, but the more time i spent with her... the more beautiful she became.  she has shown me, like noone ever has, that beauty can be something you never suspected.

let me elaborate while hoping she never reads this.  she has shown me that beauty can be found in buck teeth, saggy breasts, the scar of 2 cesarian sections, 2 unruly children (which ive come to want to call my own and do my best to raise from their ages of 2 and 4 years), benign skin growths and moles, almost anorexic in the extremities, severe abandonment issues, thumb sucking while asleep...stemming from the issues and insecurities mentioned before, and other imperfections that i have come to call parts of my very world and reason for existance.

every time she brings it up or i think about it on my own, the possibility of her having surgery to 'correct' her motherhood-induced excess skin, i feel ready to be violently ill.  her mother has had mammectomies due to breast cancer and i can see reconstructive surgery... begrudgingly, but to claim that its because she wants her clothes to fit better, only to follow it up with "it might be nice to have curves" might as well be carving my heart into a pinewood derby car.  i call her my angel, and ive grown to love her as a piece of my soul.  i know that if she ever knew that looking at her just the way she is makes me want to weep for beauty i find inconcievable, she might just change her mind. 

she says she appreciates and is glad that i feel the way i do about her and her body.  she refuses outright to admit that it just doesnt matter.  every time i bring it up she gets angry at me for not respecting her decision.  perhaps i am in the wrong for being too busy respecting her natural beauty and abhoring and despising her choice to not only place two plastic lies into her body, but to choose to do so at the risk of losing me. 

right now, we are apart... and quite honestly because of her want for fake ****.  i may seem heartless and wrong, but my convictions and values... those all important parts of who i am seem at stake.  i cant see having a relationship built on the hope she can never afford cosmetic surgery.  i cant see continuing to marriage only to hate the body she wanted because of how she got it.... but right now, it seems like i lose either way.  i either lose the relationship with the person i love more than my life, or i lose what i stand for and parts of who i am.  her choice is making my choice into one between her and my own integrity.

im not a perfect person.  not by any means at all.  ive made my mistakes and ive done things i know were wrong.  hell, i dont think i look very handsome at all by comparison to others.  ive got a few rotted teeth and visible cavities due to bad choices just a few short years ago, a bone structure i find a bit ghastly sometimes, with pale skin to cover it... constant acne and dandruff for lack of constant hygene practices, and i stand 5'6" and less than 120 with no butt to speak of.  my clothes never fit even if i can find them in the boys section and at the risk of TMI and being blunt to the point of disregarding self-respect and socially acceptable behavior, underwear does funny things when you have no posterior to fill out the back.  i have dainty wrists and oversized knuckles, and my hips have been named uncomfortable protrusions in a few past relationships.   that being said, i refuse to get a new rear end made of plastic, have a bone shave done on my cheek bones and knuckles, go tanning, have lazer surgery done on my skin, eat chalky concoctions for bodybuilding, or have my teeth fixed to look brand new, though it would be nice to be able to use both sides of my mouth to chew without fear of breaking a tooth, pain in the ones that are broken, and having to chase pieces of food (or tooth) in holes between teeth only to taste blood for the next hour or more.  its almost medically valid... almost. 

she finds me beautiful despite my flaws, named and un-named.  why cant she see that she has every curve i could want already and that changing herself through some doctorate with a daggar would hurt my love and respect and my hopes and dreams of her being real with me.

ive sat with her mom and her while they watched rediculous shows about rich women talking about their 'bubbies' and how it makes them look so much better.  i had to leave the room because of their blatant disregard for the natural state.  as if their constant flaunting of wealth and single bag of childrens clothes worth $2300 (more than i make in a year) wasn't disgusting enough. 

its a socially driven media-crazed society that has us all in this particular predicament.  if it werent for the stars being payed more than the military and football acruing more pay than emergency services, i really dont see that we would have this problem.  plastic surgery should be reserved for reconstruction only.  not available for some enterprising prostitute to better their client basis.

im not asking the world to change, but i would really like for the people i care about to honestly grasp an understanding of what is truly important in this life.  it shouldnt be about what you look like or the clothes you wear, but who you are, what values you have, and who loves you for the right reasons.

what can i do?  what could i try to say that i havent said 3 times already?  i dont want her quest for beauty to be willingly ended by adding superficial, artificial ugliness.  i just want her to see herself like i do.  im proof that love mostly isnt what one might expect and beauty lies outside the bounderies of perfection.  what would be enough to convince her that its just not okay to want to be anything other than herself?


a semi virtuous Bard

SemiVirtuousBard SemiVirtuousBard
2 Responses May 26, 2009

An old saying is: to thine own self be true. Right now you find her very attractive. She does nothing and you're happy. If the two attributes of yours that she found the sexiest were a bald head and a slim build. And then if you told her you plan on gaining 100 pounds and getting a hair transplant that would probably be a deal breaker. You haven't forced her to do or not do anything. If fake boobs are a deal breaker for you, make sure she knows it. Have an open talk and tell each other ALL possible dealbreakers for both of you: joining a cult, having an affair, committing a felony, becoming a Republican, getting an obnoxious or obscene tatoo, whatever, all of them. Then each of you can decide what individual paths to take. And if necessary, put it in a prenuptual agreement: no transplant, no toupee, and no fake boobs except for breast cancer. Youre not being unfair and neither is she. You both just gotta decide what you both value most and go from there. Be open, honest and don't mince words. And remind her that she's perfect the way she is. But be sure to push her to say what HER deal breakers would be that you might do. You might learn a lot and she might too. And don't forget the pre-nupt.

It doesn't make a damn bit of difference what you think about her attractiveness if she herself doesn't feel pretty. And, to most people, there is such a thing as attractive clothing and whatnot. Just because someone wants to alter their outward appearance does not mean that they'll suddenly lose the inner beauty that you so admire. Think of her this way. She's an older, some what beat up Toyota. You LOVE the reliabliity of the powertrain, and wouldn't trade your little car for the world. But, a nice paint job to spiff her up a bit would just be icing on the cake...<br />
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I know how you feel. My wife is painfully aware when she gains the sightest bit of weight. Me, I love her regardless. But when she feels sexy/beautiful inside, I benefit from her improved self esteem. Being supportive means supportive of not only her true self, but the improvements she wants to make. Could it possibly be that you're feeling a bit insecure yourself? What I mean is, could it be that you, deep down, are scared that if she becomes more attractive she may leave you? It's a pretty common fear among men.<br />
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Me personally, I like my wife to be smokin hot. I love it when she turns heads and gets hit on at work. It puts a spring in her step and gives her personal power that I find sexy as hell.