Caught In A Wicked Merry-go-round

My brother has his fingers in everything - honor's society, travel abroad, etc. etc. I chose a correspondence school because it better fit my learning needs so I don't get those things (as much as I would have LOVED a travel abroad something) Lately my brother has been lording it over everyone else how smart and wonderful he is.

Well, I snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. For years, I've thought that I was ignorant and inferior in every way possible. Only in the past few years (like less than three years) have I started to realize that I'm not stupid. I'm not inferior. Living a quieter life is not a bad thing.

When I snapped at my brother, my mom got mad at ME (NOT my brother). I usually just go silent because I don't like to project my anger onto other people and unintentionally hurt them. Mom practically begged me to tell her what was going on. So I did. I thought we had it all worked out, she talked to my brother, I said thank you. End of story.

Not quite.

Now my mom is becoming angry and disgusted with me. She feels I've taken a petty slight and blown it WAY out of proportion.

The thing is, I've moved past it. I'm a naturally quiet person but she doesn't notice when I talk to anyone else because anytime I'm in a room, she leaves. When I asked her a question the other day, she wouldn't even make eye contact with me.
And now she's saying that I have ego problems (ha! I certainly do. I have NO ego.), I'm a spoiled brat, and that *I* need to bridge the gap because *I* walked away first.

I feel so lost right now. My family is really all the friends I have. I don't understand how they can think I'm this way when they know how much I deny myself things because I don't feel I deserve it. They know how little self-esteem I have. They know I will avoid conflict at all costs and lay low.

And I have no idea how to fix it. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking the blame for this in an incredibly harsh way. I'm not even feeling sorry for myself. I'm just...quiet.
runningfree2 runningfree2
Sep 10, 2012