I Despise The Way I Look

I'm a fifteen year old girl, and it is obvious all young teenage girls will have their own personal body hangups. 
I feel stupid writing this all on a forum, but I guess I took some comfort knowing I could be pretty much anonymous and know their are others in the same situation as me. The few people I have spoken too about my problem (my mum and close friends) tell me I have nothing to worry about, I'm beautiful and that its all a part of growing up to be insecure about the way I look. But I don't agree. I literally despise the way I look. I feel fat and practically hideous, and I don't know what to do about it. Some days I'm fine and can tolerate how I look, other days I don't want to go out the house as I feel people will be judging me by appearance and share the same opinions as me. I'm five foot two, which is quite short and therefore I can't carry a lot of weight well. I recently lost over a stone, but I reckon I have put it all back on and I'm convinced I look like what I used to - and that's my biggest fear. I've never been bullied or anything like that, but when I was in year 7 I was extremely geeky and lost my grandma who I was really close too, so I took comfort out of food. I wasn't fat, but I was chubby and at the time, I wasn't bothered as I was far more interested in my studies than having a beauty regime. Then I went too high school, and it became all about how I looked, I became obsessed and have remained that way ever since. In year eight, I became EXTREMELY skinny, I just didn't eat and although I wasn't anorexic or anything, I did have eating problems. If I look at photos of me in year eight, I now see I was disgustingly skinny, I had a really gaunt face, but at the time I was convinced I was huge. I wouldn't eat in front of other people, and if people were too talk about my eating habits I'd get really upset. Then in year nine, I got over that and started eating again, then I got chubby all over again. I had developed a really unhealthy relationship and attitude with food. And ever since, I've been so up and down in it. My mum tells me that I'm beautiful whatever weight I am, but i strongly disagree and I feel as if I cant and wont be happy until I'm skinny. I'm now going into year eleven, and although my BMI is apparently healthy, I can't stand how I look like. I eat strictly health foods one day and then the next, I'm binging on all the wrong things. I look at other girls I know, and compare myself constantly. I recently was seeing this guy and I really really liked him, but he ended up leaving me for another girl. Although she is bigger than me, I still think if I was too lose weight, I would instantly become better looking and perhaps he'd come back too me. I will always be insecure about how I look, but right now I feel lonely and extremely ugly. I think that I'm never gonna find someone if I carry on looking the way I do. It does sound pathetic, because I am so young but its not just typical teenage paranoia, I'm so anxious of how I look, I try and avoid meeting new people, on the basis I think they are going to judge how I look. The worse thing about it is, I don't stop looking in the mirror at my faults and will complain all day about how I look and how I'd change myself.  I constantly need re-assurance I'm not fat or ugly, not that it helps, because I'm certain they are telling me what I want too hear, and being careful of my feelings. I don't know who I can turn too about my problems but it was just a release too write it down, so if your reading this, thank you for taking the time. I'm sure I just rambled on and it wont make sense but I needed to get it all out.
ilovelondon ilovelondon
13-15, F
2 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Its nice to know someone shares this to the same extent as me. But I'm really embarassed about it. If you don't mind me asking what has your G.P been telling you? Thanks again :)

I'm stick thin, yet I eat like some pig. My face is ugly and I have the same problem with meeting people. For me it started in year 7. Now I'm in year 10 and I'm dreading seeing people again, except my friends obviously. ^-^ I'm not good with huge ammounts of people due to my social anxiety and fear of being judged. :| I also have to look in mirrors, wich just makes me worse.<br />
If you haven't already, see your GP. Now I'm going to see someone about it. :)