My Youth Life! Kids Can Be So Crule!!!!

Ok, first of all, Sorry this is soooo loooong!!! This is just what got me here. Don't have to read it.

This started after grade 6 after I failed because I was too lazy to do my work. In my second year of this grade, the entire class was against me and made fun of me. Every time I tried to be apart of something, I was turned away and made fun of. And this happened through out the entire grade. I had no friends, the ones I had left to junior high. Even till this day I have never had a best friend or any close friends. I kept a lot to myself and had this "wall" put up so I wouldn't get hurt. It got so bad even the younger grades picked on me, so I got into a lot of fights. My school was small with like less than 150 kids on the elementary side so word spread fast. 

I had no friends so I turned all my anger toward something else, which was sports. I put my time in soccer which I was good at and any other physical activity. When I was playing sports I gained respect and that I felt was the closes I was going to get to friends. I was good enough that everybody started to like me, but it was for what I could do. It was all I had.

Toward the end of the year, because of the respect I built, some of the students started to like me and stood up for me the next year. Our school was all-in-one. Elementary to grade 12 (just on two different sides). So now I was in a new year. One kid still didn't like me as well as a few others. But there was one that just hated me and would pick on me everyday.

That year everybody wanted dates but lasted like a few weeks till it was over. They just wanted to be able to say they had someone. Everybody wanted me to start gelling my hair and I finally gave in. I got some attention which made me happy. I gelled my hair everyday and it had to be perfect. I then started to have a crush on this one girl in my class, which back then people would have thought "how cute". Now it is like a need . I knew nothing was going to happen between us, but liked her non the less. I knew it wouldn't last anyway because I grew up kinda poor and could never take her on dates, out to eat or buy her birthday gifts. But the girl I liked complimented me on how I looked. :)

The year went on and the guy that hatted me had friends who were older and much bigger than I was. He hung around them once and a while and when he made fun of me, they started to do it too. And once he told them that I didn't like to have my hair touched......all went wrong. I would walk through the hallway and this big guy would come up behind me and mess my hair up and quite ruff too. I got pissed of and tried to fight them. Once they saw I couldn't do much, they just laughed and since they knew it bothered me they kept on for two years. My hair was the only thing I was complimented on and I wanted to keep it. I could not walk through the halls without watching my back and getting things thrown at me or pushed or taken from me.

I tried to make my hair look perfect and even my family would make fun of me if I worried how I looked. But they didn't know and I didn't tell them. So I went through those years. Everyday picked on and harassed by people. I kept up with my sports and tried that much harder. I excelled at physical activities and I gained more respect. No friends but still had enemies. The people who were respected me but still didn't want to hang around me, were kind of like friends.

I had then got another crush on someone else and tried to get her. I tried so hard and was so nice. I would give her what ever she wanted that I had (like things from my lunch and stuff like that because I had like no money). If she wanted me to get her something I would. I tried for a long time but eventually gave up because it was going nowhere. That is when I felt I could not please anyone and any relationship wouldn't last.

The days went on I played my sports and gained respect which meant less teasing. I got bigger which meant people would think twice before trying to bug me. I had said the young ones used to bug me too, well now they where scared of me. I got bigger and tougher and would get in their face if they showed any disrespect. I took that at home too. I was then to be thought to be like a bear. My brothers feared me if I got mad and so would the young ones at school. I lived off this. Fear was the only thing I had to gain respect and to keep the young ones at bay.

I kept to myself and stood up to anybody who picked on me. All this and still having what some what friends I had. It was now grade 11 and people stopped picking on me and had respect for me (which slowly started in grade 10). Girls didn't mind talking to me and the guys wanted to hang out. But hanging out was hard. Since I didn't hang around people and had built up a "wall" I had stayed away from all the bad habits I hated and became who I wanted to be (the hard way). So I wasn't into going out and drinking and having the girls "who sleep around" around me.

My friends went through so much drama in there life due to this life style (including all the girls I have every liked.). So many broken hearts and depression. I was laughing because I felt ok and depression was just a word to me. I didn't want those type of girls that they become and stayed away from it as best I could. But I was also very lonely. When the guys would chase the girls because they did something to them, the girls would hide behind me and ask for help. Just them holding my arm made me so happy.

During the year before the girl I liked from grade 7, the one I knew wouldn't happen, asked every guy from my class out. And as she got to me, she paused in the middle of asking and quickly said "oh wait, never mind". I felt so bad. I looked  the teacher and he saw how bad I felt. I quickly said "no". All the guys were like "OMG he said no, not even he wants you". I felt so bad. And already thinking that no body wanted me because how I looked, this didn't help. She was also the one who told me that she hatted my eye brows. She said "no offense"!!! Pffft, oh yeah non taken.

I just accepted and played my sports got through my classes feeling sad but not depressed. Some people were nice to me and others just respected me and nothing more. We just entered grade 12 and I knew that I was in big trouble. I had to find an escort for grad. My mind was racing and I felt lost. Didn't know who to choose. Everybody was asking who I was going to choose and I was so lost. When ever they asked me I thought about if anyone would take me with how I look and just told them I don't know yet. I knew they were thinking it would be hard for me with the way I looked and how shy I was. I did a lot of weight training to get a girl interested (also beat up my bully) I later found out that this one girl did not have anyone either, and new that I was probably going to be asked by her. I didn't really want to go with her because she was against some of the things that I wanted. I knew that if I went with her I would be like sitting at a table talking through the party and leave early. Then that would make me feel even worse because I would feel like people think that I am this boring guy who has no life ( because I already didn't hang around them). I had to figure out what to do fast. Apparently not fast enough. She asked me and I turned her down. I felt so bad. I knew people were mad at me then, and I knew it would happen. Like I was stuck that it was take her or be hated. I was also really nice so I knew that I was the target. I told her I was wanting to ask someone first that I had someone in mind. And I did have someone in mind. The one I wanted was into sports like me and somewhat of a party girl so I knew that I could dance and have a good time. I was so scared to ask her because I felt she wouldn't take me because she didn't want to be seen with a guy who her friends didn't like or how I look. I was panicking at this point. I had one choice and then I would be screwed. The one I turned down comes to me some days later and says that she has someone and tried to rub it in. I knew she was angry at me and I didn't blame her. I would be pissed too. She asked me who I wanted to take and I thought I owed her that so I told her. They then told me that she might have a boyfriend and I was scared. A few days latter one of my friends asked me that his sister wanted to be someones escort and told him to ask me. I quickly said yes and went for the sure thing. I was so happy because I had someone and could stop worrying so much. Also she was really beautiful. I was on cloud nine that a hot girl chose me. Kind of felt bad when later through the year she said no one in her class had good looking brothers (and my bro was in her class and I was right beside her when she said it). But I had her as my escort and didn't worry about it. I got her a gift (like you are supposed to) and got everything I needed for the big day.

Once that day came, we sat for the dinner and because I was so shy, I didn't say much. Also because she was talking to my brother (who is in her class) about school and I felt I just didn't fit in to what they were talking about. We had our dance and the party was going to start later. We stayed there for an hour before we left to go get changed and everyone went back to their tables with their escorts, but mine stayed at her brothers. I was just sitting there, knowing my family is wondering where my escort is. I felt sick. I felt that whole "I can't keep a women thing". We went home to change for the after party. I was terrified because I can't dance and I didn't know what was going to happen because my escort left me. I thought that I would be sitting with my family like a loser with all my friends dancing and coming up to me asking why I am not.....while in front of my family.

Well we got to the party and for the first five minutes it was as I expected. I went to see a friend so I didn't seem like I was a loser not doing anything. Then came time where I said "THANK GOD!!!" in my head. He wanted to introduce me to  his cousin and her friend. We went to see them and started talking. His cousin was completely flirting with me and I loved it, lol. I had never been flirted with in my life. She was like "Oh your the guy who won every sport award" and told her yes. She asked what sport do I play and I told her I play soccer on a mens team, broomball, track, and I do some weight training. She looked to her friend all happy and said her friend plays soccer too, as she was reaching for my arm. Then she was checking my biceps and was all in wow and told her friend to come and feel my arm. I felt like this kind of flirting was a little to wired for me but I wasn't about to spend my big night by myself. I gave in. I drank for my first time. My friend's, cousin's friend took me by the hand and we went dancing. We had to keep it close because I did not know how to dance, especially at a distance. She didn't mind at all .

Through the night we danced, sat, and talked. I was dancing with her and my friend's cousin at times, at the same time. I felt like I was finally on top. We sat down at one point and there was a group of people of all guys. All the guys were trying to take her from me and I was scared and thinking of what I could do to keep her. They were telling her about how great this guy was and were trying to convince her to dance with him instead. She gave in and I felt terrible. I lost my girl to some *****. If they would rub it in my face I was going to jump over that table and literally injure him enough that he had to leave. After the dance she came back early and sat back beside me and never left my side. We went to dance again and kissed at the same time. Which was my first time. She said I was cute and so did some of my female friends back at school, but they were all drinking and I couldn't even believe that it was true .

The day was ending, I got her number and she went to a hotel. I was to call her before Tuesday or she wouldn't date me. I had a practice the mourning after being drunk at the grad, oh boy was that bad, lol. I called her on Tuesday and because we lived so far away it wouldn't work. I was kind of relieved and sad at the same time. I wanted to be with her but I had no money to even keep it going and she wasn't my type.

The last time I saw her was on New Years of 2006. Because she wanted me there. I went because I told her a lie that I couldn't go before I was busy but was really because she was a huge party girl. But I went this time. It was like strangers meeting when we first arrived.  She spent most of the party flirting with other guys. So I talked to all of her friends and felt like I was actually part of the crowd. They all talked to me and accepted me. Later, after feeling that she did not want me, my friend that introduced us said she told him I was too shy for her but if I wanted to be with her to go see her. He said that she would be waiting for me in the bathroom. So I went. Lets just say she wasn't waiting, lol. I go down stairs, punch my friend in the shoulder and called him an idiot and told him what happened. He didn't even remember telling me anything So I guess maybe she forgot too. She was alone but wasn't waiting, lol. She came down to see me, sat on my lap for a while then left. I sat by myself for a little while after till my friends cousin grabbed me by the arm and put us together. I spent the rest of the night with her. Her friends were telling me that they liked me and that she needs someone like me and to not leave her. But I knew that I could not be with someone who is that "close" with her male friends. That was the last I seen her.

I had a crush on someone else who is a lot more calm. We weren't dating and she hardly knows me but she shared what she wanted in life and how she is. I just got hooked and took down whatever "wall" I had and wanted her to be the one I wanted to be with. One day I had so much hope that things are going to work out and that she was the good girl I dreamed of. One day she showed a little to much skin and after putting all my hope and that I was good enough for her. It all left. I still want her though and I will not quit till I give it a chance. But after all this I can't feel what I did. And not for just her, for anyone. I can't even feel love when I am happy like now. Now I really don't think I am good enough and not good looking enough. Trying to just say she is not for me and trying to move on got me really depressed and is why I am here. But now I feel a lot better and for a while now and still can't imagine someone sticking with me. I never felt love until her and it left when it all happened. Even before that I could feel love, now I can't. Sometimes it is hard to even be attracted to the hottest people. My life is screwed up pretty bad, some stuff I didn't even mention either about my life that got me like this. But It wasn't the best life.  But I can't forget the great stuff that did happen and I am very grateful for it. Now all I want to do is help others because there is no point wasting life just because yours didn't turn out right. So that is what I do. Look for people who want help and try to help.

Sorry it is so long but it is a big part of my life, lol.
mindfighter mindfighter
18-21, M
15 Responses Feb 6, 2007

I am going to finish the story later. The length is fine tho :) ensures you get it ask out of your mind for a but. It hurt to read you felt like you didn't have a best friend, I thought I recently had something like a best friend, and was turned down. Wish I could have been your best friend. Everyone deserves a loyal friend. By the way you look just fine.

kids really are very cruel. Life throws us alot of things that sometimes feel too big to handle. But just remember... its not about succeeding, its about refusing to fail! keep your head up! And just an FYI... your a handsome man. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and one day you will find a woman who will love you for YOU... not for what she wants you to be. you ARE good enough for someone out there... but for now just be good enough for yourself.. thats all that matters.

Your story was long, but I read it. Never underestimate yourself b/c of what others told you. You seem like a great person and from your picture you are def good looking. Don't let what others tell you bring you down b/c what I've learned is people are filled with disappointment. Easier said than done though b/c you remind me a lot of myself.

The people thing is sooo difficult isn't it? You have my sympathies. :) I hope you get better things.

I know how you feel, kids were very cruel to me in school too, it left serious emotional damage and I still have low self esteem and trust issues with friends.<br />
But I'm slowly starting to get over it.<br />
All you can do is let go of the past and when ever those memories start coming back think of the person you are now and don't let it get you down =)

Long story, thanks for sharing. You've lived through some hard times but you've come through as a really nice genuine (and handsome) guy. Please believe that you are loveable and if you need someone to talk to I'd be happy to. All the best.

Hello mindfighter, I read every word of your story & I must agree with what AlwaysRemembers said to you. Also, I must tell you that from your profile picture you look to me like a very handsome young man. Something to keep in mind is that it is what's inside that makes a person truly beautiful. The most physically attractive person can be cold, black and ugly on the inside & then what are they? An empty shell of a person. Believe me, when the right woman comes along and gets to know you, she will see you for who you really are...and to her you will be THE MOST attractive person she's ever seen. That is the magic of love. Hold on to your values & try not to worry, your special someone is out there & you will find cannot rush these things.

it s me again...=)if you ever think to have a friend,at least in one moment,and to say sameone when you re happy,sad,no mether on the mood,you can write far away,but it s not a big stuff....e-mail is there,write me.....=)))))

ooooooooo my god,I will read it next time,it s too long story...sorry,i ll read it I promise....BUT,I BELIVE IT S GOOD...=)

bonefire; please do not think u *wussed* out regarding bullying. Bullying in schoold and even with adults is a terrible thing and everyone deals with it differently. The real ppl who *wuss* out with bullying are the ones that go into schools with guns and kill people. What you did was POSITIVE, just because it was a different way of dealing with it doesn't mean it was a poor choice by any means.<br />
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mindfighter; i love the name you chose for yourself because after reading your story it truly summerizes who you are. Look I'm 45 and people often say when they are older that they would love to be 16 again. I would NEVER want to be that age again, precisely for the things you just wrote about. Kids can be VERY cruel, but you beat them at there own game. You found what you excelled in and you purservered and for that alone you should be DAMN proud of yourself. There was a constant theme in your story about not having enough money to give g/f what you *think* they want or deserve. Some of my BEST gifts came from guys who literally didn't pay a cent. One guy, when i was 18 for my birthday wrote me a beautiful poem, about all the things he liked about me. I still love and cherish that poem and it is too me PRICELESS!! He could have scraped some money together an bought me a pair of earrings BUT if i had been given the choice a head of time, a bought gift or thoughts from his heart, I would always chose the thoughts from the heart. AND though you might not think you are attractive I can assure you that most likely many women do. I always considered myself unattractive and would almost question any guy who gave me a compliment. BUT after years of aging i can now say that there is GREAT truth in the saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. THANK GOD!! lol One day when you least expect it, you won't be doing the pursuing but to your amazement some bright young women will see EVERYTHING you have to offer, looks, bravery, integrity, values and caring for others. Those are the traits that make for a GREAT b/f and eventually a GREAT husband and if lucky enough a GREAT father. Don't count yourself out yet, trust me your day will come!!

Yea, kids were crule 2 me 2, people use to bully me all the time at school but now, there r not many bullies that bother me any more becuz one day i stood up 2 one becuz i finally got fed up with it.... but i know how u feel.

It sounds like you are able to pick yourself up again every time you are down. Do you know how hard that is for people to do? I wish I had your perseverence and determination. You sound like an incredibly strong, intelligent young guy. You have a lot of life left to live and things have a way of working themselves out when you least expect it. ;)<br />
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Hang in there. I'm rooting for you. :)

I think it is so good that after everything, you want to help others. That is a big positive to come out of the negatives you wrote about. It must have been so hard that you took down the "wall" for this girl and things didn't work out the way you had hoped. You sound like a strong person though, who has been able to get through tough things in the past. I think you will be able to do this again now, and things will change for the better, even if it does not feel like it yet.