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Dracula, Twilight, Ann Rice Books... Vampires In General.


In the ever-growing tidal wave of crappy vampire literature nowadays, I've decided to revisit one of my favorite books of all time: Dracula.

You read books like that and you have to think of Twilight then wonder where it all went wrong.


Vampires are fictional monsters. Creatures so repulsively evil they can't be in direct sunlight or be exposed to blessed objects (crucifixes and holy wafers). The only way they can gain sustenance is by sucking the blood directly out of a human's neck. They're dead and their bodies are cursed to remain animate while their soul remains tortured... Someone took all of this and said, "You know what would be great? A story of romance and love involving these guys!"


It's just...  Am I the only one who's at a loss for words here? I know Twilight is largely hailed as nothing but crap to most people, but I mean other things as well. You have the works of Ann Rice which are God-awful, yet well-reviewed by everyone. It's almost taboo to say that her Vampire Chronicles are as terrible as they really are. Lestat is a good character. He's the classic vampire (for the most part), but the other characters are just annoying whiners.

I have an idea!  A story about a mopey, whiney, hormonal teenage girl (who's also a sociopath) who finds a rotting corpse of some guy in the middle of the woods and then falls in love with it.  To make matters more complicated a Great Dane falls in love with her for no discernible reason or something.  I'll call it...  Ripe-light!  Now we have a template of Twilight!

That's what it is.  In fact, it might be better than Twilight because there's no way anybody can write a story like that without having the reader know that the main character has some serious psychological issues.  Hell, that'll be more interesting that two incredibly shallow teenagers whining about wanting to **** but can't because... Um...  They can't have sex because...  Edward is...  He's... I mean they... Wait.  Why can't they have sex?  Maybe because we wouldn't have a "saga" if that was the case.  This is just an incredibly bad, incredibly padded out story that could have been condensed to a 20 page short story so freaking easily.  

Oh, here's another thing.  How can vampires have sex?..  When you get right down to it, it's impossible.  It's IMPOSSIBLE!  To get an erection, one must have blood flow.  To have blood flow, you must be alive.  If you're not alive: No blood flow, no erection, no sex.  It's as simple as that.  And that isn't freaking nitpicking either!  If I wrote a story about quadriplegics running a triathlon, without explaining how the hell they can move across a track, people would be calling "bullshit" left and right!

And don't get me started on those piece of **** movies.  Hell, some of the actors can't even stand them.  It's pretty obvious that Anna Kendrick (who is an amazing actress who shouldn't be wasting her time with this crap) isn't very enthused anymore.  She doesn't even care and it's quite hilarious to see on screen.  Robert Patinson, who isn't that great, but isn't bad either, looks like he's in pain.  He looks like he's having his prostate checked every second of every movie.  One can only come to the conclusion that the doesn't know how to act; and really, he does.  If you've seen the Harry Potter movies, you can see he knows what he's doing.  Or one can guess that he's just humiliated to be on the same screen as Taylor ******* Lautner and Kristen "rabbit-mouth" Stewart.  Okay, to be fair I think Stewart has potential, but she ain't using it any time soon.  But Lautner is a joke.  He'll be out of work in no time flat.

And you know, I wouldn't hate Twilight as much as I do if it wasn't for all that it did to culture at large.  Vampires shouldn't be an in-thing.  It's just weird, people.  People thinking they're vampires or some such...  That...  That just creeps me out.  I'm pretty tolerant of unstable people.  Hell, I've chatted with a necrophiliac once - but I don't know.  I'm just incredibly weirded out by people who think they're vampires or think they're werewolves.  It's just not right.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just being dramatic.  But still, I can't even read the testimonials of people who think like that.  They make me cringe with vexation every time.  Is there anybody else who agrees with me here?

Plus Twilight has affected culture in such a way that everybody wants to be a writer anymore.  Hell, I've wanted to write since I was in elementary school.  Now people all of the sudden think they're special because they know how to weave some big words together.  But that's not the worst of it.  Whenever I read a piece of independent fiction, there's a 70% chance it's going to be about vampires.  Fuckadoodledoo.  Oh my God, how original.  And then if it's about vampires, there's a 99% chance that it's going to feature some melodramatic romance that does nothing but make me want to vomit.

Plus, you know what the agenda of Twilight is?  Stephen King (who also hates Twilight) makes fun of it by saying it's about how important it is to have a boyfriend, but I think that's giving it too much credit.  There is no ******* agenda!  It's a wet dream that Stephenie Meyer has had ever since childhood so she wanted to have some of her **** published.  I know I'm not the only person to notice that Meyer's description of Bella is basically the exact same as one would describe the physical attributes of Meyer.  It's pretty much exact.  The fact that not everybody has caught on to this furthers my decline into debilitating misanthropy.

The movies are hilariously bad to a point where they've merited a few rewatches from me.  They're so funny and so fun to riff on while watching.  Riffing is a huge hobby of mine and movies like Twilight are the movies that make riffers *** in their pants.  The books aren't even worth skimming.  I haven't read the book that's so bad it's funny.  So don't waste your time with the books.  But I highly suggest everybody watches the movies, because they are so funny.  Except for Breaking Dawn.  All of the Twilight movies have featured different directors per installment.  Breaking Dawn parts 1 & 2 are both directed by Bill Condon, who is a very good director and was able to squeeze all the funny out of this franchise.  Making Breaking Dawn the best in the series, but it's still really really bad.  It's actually the least enjoyable for people like me because there's nothing to be had.  It's too bad to even remotely like.  But too good to make fun of while watching.  So, **** it.  I don't even know if I'm going to waste my time with BD part 2.  I'll see what people say.  I was warned BD part 1 was horribly boring, but, like an idiot, I didn't listen.

Wow, I've gone on forever here.  Thanks for reading.  

To part, I'll give one of the most Soap Opera-ish quotes I've ever heard in a movie:  "Bella, you give me everything by just breathing."

That line cracks me up every time I hear it.

Discard92 Discard92 18-21, M 1 Response Apr 7, 2012

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Lol so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you're not team jacob.