Did not write...stolen from this link:
The Twilight Series: An Abridged Version
Written by someone who has never read beyond the first page of the first book
THE FIRST BOOK
Bella: God this town is boring-oh hey who’s that.
Edward: I don’t know whether to suck your blood or go out with you.
B: You’re a vampire, aren’t you?
B: Damn you’re hot.
E: *sparkle sparkle*
Evil vampires: Bella, we’re going to kill you.
Edward and co: Like hell you will.
Evil vampires: GAK!
B: Oh Edward, I love you.
THE SECOND AND THIRD BOOKS WHICH I CANNOT REMEMBER THE NAMES OF
(Bella and Edward GUSH about how HANDSOME the other is. STUFF happens, but it is largely PERIPHERAL to the aforementioned GUSHING. Somewhere, there is a WEREWOLF)
THE LAST BOOK
B: You know what, Edward? I’m sick of all this sexual tension. Let’s resolve it.
B: Oh **** I’m pregnant. I suppose I should have used contraceptives.
E: But I’m not supposed to be able to make ANYONE pregnant! We established that in a previous book.
Stephanie Meyer: Screw the canon I have money.
(Bella has the baby, and names it RENESMEE or something HORRIBLE like that. In the middle of this, she becomes a VAMPIRE)
Jacob, the aforementioned werewolf: I’m in love with you, Bella. But you’re with Ed. Fortunately you had this baby, so I can hit on it.
(Strangely, this is totally OK with the parents)
Thinly-Veiled-Vampire-Version-Of-The-Catholic-Church: Vampires can’t turn non-adults into vampires. Or have kids with them. This means war.
(Everyone prepares for WAR. The baby grows up REALLY FAST in the middle of this)
TVVVOTCC: Aha! Prepare for your doom!
(Despite this, the whole thing is TALKED OVER and everyone LEAVES without any VIOLENCE, leaving the readers who wanted a fight scene REALLY FREAKING DISAPPOINTED)
B: I love you Edward.
E: I love you, Bella.
J: I love you, Renesmee.
(The first book, only from Edward’s perspective. This is either really INTERESTING or LAZY, depending on your point-of-view. In the middle of this, someone HACKS Stephanie Meyer’s computer and STICKS the completed pages on the INTERNET. Meyer subsequently gets REALLY EMO and refuses to write anymore of it)