Like Sands Through The Hour Glass...

This is the first story I've written in a very long time....please bear with me if it seems disjointed or sporadic. I am quite out of practice, and am doubtful I will ever be able to write again.  Which is one thing which is happening that I hate.  There are many others, to be sure.  One of the chief among them is knowing that I am not happy, even with all I did, all I left, all I gave up for supposed happiness.  It still eludes me.  I suppose I quite deserve what I've gotten, many would say I've gotten off easily.  And maybe they're right.  It sure doesn't seem easy to live, though.  I know, I know, I should be happy.  There are so very many people who would love to live my life.  Not that it's especially exciting or glamorous, or even devoid of worries, but what it is, is a life where my family has plenty to eat, my husband has a job, we have health care, and are blessed with four feline members of the family.  My husband and I don't fight, we don't argue.  We read together, we talk, we plan.   Sometimes, we play video games.  We are really an old boring couple, but it's exponentially better than it was when we first met.  THAT was a debacle, a heart and mind shattering experience that we are both extremely lucky to have come through.  For much of our time together, things have not been calm, like they are now.  Our days were full of fighting, yelling, crying....lying, betrayal and subterfuge.  It really was like a never ending mind ****......every time I started to get my **** together and think things couldn't possibly get worse....they did.  Continually, mercilessly, and with a steady descent into ever worsening circumstances.

For a while, and a good while, I blamed the whole thing on him....all of it.  But I will not do that now.  Now, I realize that I could've left at any time.  My prison was of my own making, and the torture self inflicted, to a point.  Do I still think he was responsible?  Yes, I would be lying if I said otherwise.  However, I have come to take my responsibility for things quite seriously.  The truth  is that I could've stopped things at any time, just by walking out the door....and I didn't.  

All this is water under the bridge....and now, what we have left is a shallow imitation of a life.  I'm sure he would be horrified to hear me say that.  He believes things are hunky dorey....but...he does not remember the things that happened....some, he just doesn't remember detail, but some he doesn't remember at all.  I must confess that it seems that most of his trouble was caused by being improperly medicated, which I fought to change the entire time (over a year and a half before getting cooperation).  He has been on the "new" meds for over a year, and seems to be doing well on them.  Notice I have to say "seem".  One thing I have learned since coming here, is that things are not always what they seem, or even what they are sworn to be.  And at this point, I cannot make myself trust in him wholly.  There has just been too much both of us.  I did give as good as I got, until I just......broke.  Now, I am on my second anti depressant in a little over six months.  "Moderate to severe depression" is the diagnosis.  Let me say here, I am over 50 years old, and have always been able to handle what was thrown at me....not    any     more.  I am now incompetent to do anything.  The math skills that garnered my former marriage an excellent credit rating, have completely deserted me.  I cannot keep the numbers in my head....or even the list of bills.  For the first time in my life, I've had to let go.  I had no other choice.  This makes me feel superfluous, inept, unnecessary.    I hate feeling like I have no sense, it makes me feel stupid, and I cannot abide stupidity.  I hate living in a state where the closest friend or family is hundreds of miles away.  I hate not being able to smoke (no friends and a shy personality doesn't get you, and I miss listening to my music!!  OMG, my music!!  All my life, it has been the one constant I could count on. Not anymore.  I never even hear it unless we're in the car and he turns the radio on.  He's very good about even tuning in the type of music I like...and it's kinda fun to sing along.  But that's it.  I feel like I have nothing for myself, I feel unable to change it, and know it is ALL my own fault.  I miss the friends I made here....they were so very close to my heart...but time and personal problems have kept us apart....even online.  And the man I left my ex for because of the awesome sex drive we both shared, has ED, and we haven't had sex for over a year and a half....our marriage is only two years old.  At this point, I merely go through my days, waiting for time to take my meds, so I can get the Ambien in my bloodstream, and maybe sleep a few hours.  It doesn't always work.  Sometimes, I wind up taking two (not together, but hours apart), and that shorts me for the rest of the month, ensuring many sleepless nights in succession.   I am tired, I am disgusted, I am hopeless....and I see no change....ever.  And I hate myself for doing this to my life.

lonesurvivor lonesurvivor
56-60, F
3 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Hello, you may not remember me but I found a getting card you sent me here a couple of years ago. I was absent from the site for most of last year so I was glad to find this memento of our contact.
After reading through your story a couple of times I'd like you to share with us some of the things you miss: what you would do if your friends were closer, what pot would bring to your life (Colorado here, new pot-friendly state) and what music style or artist you'd like us to sing along with you.
Please consider this an open-arm invitation to share your true self and leave the hurting behind.
You can inbox me if you prefer.

Thank you for taking the time to read this pity party, and for being kind enough not to castigate me for it. I appreciate your sympathy...thank you very much.

I hate to read how unhappy you are. :( I hope that things get better for you.. I really wish I could offer some better advice to seem so sad.