Vulnerability

It's an awkward moment...something hits my heart just wrong and suddenly I'm fighting tears. Somebody's words will reflect off the shards of my soul in a way I don't expect.  And it will hurt.

Maybe they remind me of the ex who shattered my heart.  Maybe they call to mind the friend who so badly damaged my faith. 

Maybe they'll remind me of my parents, of the good times that never lasted.

Or something...someone...else.

But I'm in the middle of wherever and my throat closes and bands of iron wrap around my chest.  I bite down on a finger and pray they don't notice.  Tears make me too vulnerable, too fragile, too frail.  I can't handle that on top of the pain that oozes out of my eyes.

I hate it when my soul windows leak.
Plaid Plaid
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 12, 2012

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html<br />
<br />
I can't recommend that talk, and the followup she did in March 2012, highly enough. Someone on here linked that and it is awesome.<br />
In 2011...I realized that having emotions, even powerful ones, even ones of agonizing catharsis...these do not make me weak. <br />
In fact, it's the opposite. When you walk around carrying pain, it makes you stiff, it makes you inflexible, it burdens you.<br />
I had tears slapped out of me...for a long time it was easier to bleed than to cry. I cut every other day at one point.<br />
Now I tear up all the time. I am a lot stronger.<br />
I have given myself permission to burst into tears anywhere. After all the misery I have survived, I deserve the luxury of tears. <br />
<br />
Anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my butt.

And BTW, you are a really neat person.

Thank you. I'm still learning that it's okay to feel at all...and only in the past couple years have I been able to cry real tears. And as you know, I sooo get how it can be easier to bleed. Thank you.