I Am Looking For The Light At The End Of The Tunnel But All I See Is The Train Approaching

hi everyone!!! i just woke up on this beautiful sunny day and decided that i need to reach out to somebody about how i feel. everyone has their problems but i love people and all of humanity. we need to take care of eachother and find happiness in life. i am a 22 years old and today is the 55th day of my sobriety. i have been addicted to opiated and heroin for quite some time. i dont take offense to the word JUNKIE because it's just a word and i am not offended by it. this time i am fighting with my entire spirit to beat this demon that has taken so much out of my life. naturally i am an adventurous soul that likes to have fun. now that i am looking back at it i hate drugs and i advise anyone and everyone to avoid them at all costs. i know that it's hard for me to give advise since i've been down the same path once before. to say how i feel i would say that it's almost a hopeless feeling like nothing in my life will ever be great again. my physical sickness is gone but now i am battling the urge to do the drugs and to ignore them at the same time. i just need to hear somebody tell me that things will be okay. i am a man and i should fight everything on my own but i am willing to take advice from somebody. the only thing that is making me feel alive is the cold frost in the morning and the beautiful white snow. this is all i can utter out at the moment. everyone have a wonderful day!!!
runningsensation runningsensation
22-25, M
2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

I myself don't know who I am anymore. When I was younger I use to enjoy little things in life. It's not like I'm on hard core drugs, life just happened. I'm 22 years old I sometimes compare my life to my friends, and I must say my life seems a lot more complicated. There's a lot of pain, doubt and heart break. It seems once I get myself back up some things else has to hit me and knock me back down. It's more or less a vicious cycle. A lot of the times I wonder if I'm so young and it's so hard how am I going to make it. What Hurts the most Is I was very social and just slowly I started seeing right through people. The friends whom I thought so highly of, just weren't that great anymore. It like I invested all my emotions and energy into these people for them only to hurt me and leave. I try so hard to stay positive but I'm so broken. I hide it so well no one knows the real pain I feel. But through all of this I still tell myself it gets better just hold on. I hope one day I can find that happy girl that I know is still in there just screaming to get out and be found again. I really do hope it gets easier, and I hope I find myself.

You sound like a beautiful person. You know I am also feeling like life is going down, not up. I want to look around me and see beauty but everywhere I go, I feel so self-critical. I feel like I can never do anything from my heart because I don't have a heart that is so happy. I am lucky if I can even feel my heart beating with any happiness anymore. I wish more than anything I can have someone that authenticates me and is willing to laugh at the silliness of it all, as I don't think anyone shares my perspective. Life is tough these days and counting each blessing, there is no light at the end of this tunnel... but I read a quote once: "One does not need buildings, money, power, or status to practice the Art of Peace. Heaven is right where you are standing, and that is the place to train." ~ Morihei Ueshiba

I hope for my sake, I find some happiness in this world and I hope you do too.