I Was Abused By My Dad

For years I didn't look at it as abuse.  I just thought my dad was an angry person with problems of his own.  I don't remember exactly how old I was when it started.  I was less than 10 years old for sure.  I thought it was normal for fathers to discipline their children in a violent way.  "Spare the rod, spoil the child".  He told me that the belt buckle slipped every time he "disciplined" me.  This happened very frequently.  One time when my sister was 17 he whipped her with a leather belt and the door locked for 30 minutes because she had a car accident, and she was somewhere she shouldn't have been.  As I grew older the physical abuse became less often.  I thought he felt guilty.  He probably did.  As the physical abuse became less frequent the yelling and name calling became more frequent for some reason.  I don't think I ever recieved any physical abuse after the age of 13.  He just made me feel horrible all of the time.  He called me a "lazy ***" all of the time.  I was always on pins and needles.  I had even wished that he were dead at one point.  One time I chased him with a snow shuvel and he left for three days.  I would avoid being home when he was home.  I had a freind who's parents were very liberal about underage drinking.  I would go there every weekend and get drunk between the ages of 15 and 17 (as an adult I've recieved 3 DUI's...go figure).  I told on him one time and he lied and everyone believed him.  He convinced people that I was angry because I wanted an atv and he wouldn't buy me one.  I didn't even like atv's back then.  There wasn't enough evidence to support my accusations.  No one could imagine my dad being an abuser.  At that point the abuse came to an almost dead halt.  Instead of abuse there was thick tension in the air all of the time.  He once told me that his father used to beat up him, his brother, and his mom.  I asked my uncle about it and he denied everything.  Even through my dad's dishonesty was obvious no one believed me.  At the age of 18 I left for the Air Force.  After the Air Force I moved back in with my mom and dad because I had no where else to go.  It seemed as if he had changed.  He was still tense all on the time until he found out he had high blood pressure.  He was prescribed several medications, including zoloft.  His personality was the difference between night and day.  But to this day I harbor resentment towards my father for every time he was abusive.  I have kids of my own now.  I would never treat them the way he treated me.  Due to the change in his character, he is allowed to see his grandchildren.  I hope he has really learned his lesson because I would hate to fullfill my childhood fantasy of his death.         
ktfoot97 ktfoot97
1 Response Jul 18, 2010

I wonder how many of us, have lived the same kind of horrible experiences. My dad was the same and very harsh with me. I can remember everything since the age of 5 till i ran away from him at the age of 19. I always avoided to be with him at the same place. I lost him two years back and before that for one and half year, he was a changed person and he was too good to me. I think he was trying to make it up for the terrible treatment he gave me in my childhood. Somehow, i could never hate him. Now i am having a wonderful life. I am a different person and it is all due to his harshness and now i thank him for giving me a tough childhood. i have a daughter and i gave her a very good upbringing, she is very independent and she is proud of me. I know it is not easy to forget childhood memories but what to do..we can't change anything except us. we have to forget and forgive and move on in life.