Why ?

When I was a child around the age of 4 I started to realize that my general life seemed to be alot different from my other friends or even my cousins. I can't tell you how it started or why but I can tell you how it felt to deal with the abuse for 13 years.

My mother and I from my point of view have always been alone together. It seems like I turned into her own scratch post or "whipping boy" as some may call it. I took severe beating's and mental abuse for a very long time. I can sit and write about almost every single time I was beaten but It would take me months before I finished. My mother was a very obese woman standing at 6 feet tall weighing nearly 400lbs, The shear size difference can tell you that I wasn't dealing with a regular size mom or a regular size case of abuse. I would often get screamed at so loudly and in such violence that my stomach would get butterflys and my ears would ring. I knew that as soon as she was done screaming I would get my daily dose of being beaten to a ******* pulp. I was an innocent child and over the years I became withdrawn and to myself. I always wanted friends and sleep overs but I knew that I wouldnt have a regular life like I saw on television. God.... how I wanted to be like those other kids with normal families . Its truly a shame that when being beat with a frying pan untill your crawling around the house for days in agony, unable to stand due to broken ribs as a 6 year old and not knowing why this happened to you or what you did to deserve such a punishment. My piece of **** family, my magnificent family that walked on egg shells and turned the other cheek when I approached them for help. I was truly and I mean truly alone. I was the only one to suffer through this and I knew it too. Kids at school would often pick on me and call me fat and said i smelled like onions and ****. I further felt terrible about my life, Being socialy un accepted by generally every one I tried to kill myself. In 6th grade when I was about 12 or 11 I drank mr.clean before I went to bed one night. To my awesome ******* suprise I awoke the next day alive. My grades in school where always terrible, It got to the point where they put me in a "retard" program. This further hurt my social satus which never existed in the first place.

The torment that I had to suffer was so painful, Being struck by a woman who is almost double the size of an average man can really really have a devistating impact on a child. I remember one instance where I asked my mom to help me with my math homework and she said yes. I didnt know an answer to a question so she threw a graphing calcularor and my head and she hit it. My nose cracked like a kit - kat , I bled for hours after with a broken nose. Ive been thrown down the stairs and trampled on afterwards, Ive been forced to do her bidding as she was too lazy to do things for herself. Ive been beaten so badly that I had multiple concussions and was unable to do basic things like walk straight or even talk. Ive been burnt and Ive been starved. Ive been locked in basements and punched untill I passed out from the overwhelimng pain.

I wish to god even still to this day that some one would of helped me. I could of used just one friend. I'm not saying that I had the best personality or the best clothes but I know that I would of been one of the best friends a person could ever have.

Living in this never ending hell for 17 years really put a damper on my over all being. I hid behind my smiles for my entire life. Im scared to do everything till this day. Im scared to have some one be upset with me in fear that they wont be my friend any more, Im scared to make some one upset in fear that they will hit me. Im scared to leave my house.,,,,,

Suicide, How sweet and how wonderfull did this sound to me for the longest time. Jesus, Ive had over 5 suicide attempts, Hangning myself , Drinking various poisons, Tried to cut myself but "stutter cutted" instead, Suffication, the list goes on. These are all attempts before the age of 13.

There is just so much story to tell and so much that was left out, But I never really wrote about this before and never really told any one so I hope that this makes sence to you guys, Sorry for the randomness of it all also, I found myself ranting and venting while writing it.

To every one who has read this, and has beed through any type of child abuse I hope you understand that I love you, and that you are never alone because were in this together.
Chief62xx Chief62xx
22-25, M
2 Responses Nov 30, 2012

I am so sorry for your tragic childhood of abuse. I wish you the very best in your life. You're a wonderful person who deserves love and happiness.

Holy cow. I don't know what to say except that I am glad it is behind you.
I am sorry you had to endure this.
You should write a book about your experiences. It could potentially help others.

How are things going for you now ? Do you have a good job, are you going to college ?

Good luck !