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Bottled Up

A few days ago, the musical director of my youth group lead the discussion our youth leader would normally lead. I was excited, circle with him is always fun and carefree. But he told us that there wasn't going to be any more music... for a long time. He told us that he was a man of very intense emotion. Happiness and anger alike. That as a child, he was abused by his parents. That he never knew when they could fly off the handle at something he said or did. He told us that eventually he tried to be perfect. And to be perfect, he reasoned, was to be happy and nice. And that to do this he needed to bottle up all negative feelings. And that he had been doing this for years, just until a couple months ago. And then he experienced such horrible depression that it crippled him. And he asked God, why? Why are you doing this to me? And he was told by God, that what he was feeling was normal. That he had to embrace this. He said he did, and he was able to regain his footing and live life. That there were reasons for going on. But while he was saying something so inspiring, I was having a world class breakdown. All I could think about was my Father hurting me. My friend who was sitting beside me had no idea what to do as I sobbed silently, shaking violently. He didn't know why I was so upset, because I never tell anyone. It hadn't been that bad for a while. And now I really can't see the point in going to school, going to church, moving on. Maybe I should give up. Just let him win.
Afishyinthesea Afishyinthesea 16-17 Jan 21, 2013

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