I hated high school
All my life, for some reaon, I dreamed about high school. When I was in elementary and middle school whenever I saw high schoolers all I could think about was how I
couldn't wait to be them. For whatever reason, I was obsessed with the idea of high school. I used to like to write stories when I was younger and I used to write about what
I thought high school would be like. I know this is weird and I don't know why I was like this but I was. I thought of high school of just non stop fun with your friends
and going to football games and being able to drive. Anyway I was completely ******* miserable all throughout high school. I was really shy and awkward freshman year
I failed math and took summer school. Sophomore year, I still continued to get bad grades and I started to get really depressed and I had anxiety going to school.
As embarrassing as this is, I took summer school again the following summer. I felt so embarrassed considering the school I went to was known for having students are
really smart and get high test scores. I think this was due to having anxiety and depression that literally consumed me. I cried when I woke up and I cried for hours at night.
I was in so much emotional pain that I literally felt like my body ached from being so sad all the time. I felt so disappointed because I dreamed about high school all my life
and I was there and I hated it. People in my grade had fun and went to parties and were able to drive and also got good grades. I had zero friends and cried on weekends knowing
that I was missing out. I didn't drive until after I graduated. I was stuck in my room literally for four years (except for going to school) where I did nothing but cry and stress over
my horrible grades. That's my driving was such a huge deal to me, which my parents didn't understand. Sometimes I stayed after school and they would pick me up at like 7 PM and I
was there crying wondering why my life was like this. Why could people my age drive and be happy and have friends and basically have everything I wanted to have while I'm lonely
all the time.
Junior and senior year I had gotten myself into a huge mess because of my grades and decided to give up on making friends completely and I realized I was in deep **** and I need to focus
completely on my grades. I still was completely depressed and hated everyday of it. I avoided my friends from middle school because I didn't want to tell them what was going on and I
thought they would look down on me. I still haven't told them. So I was literally alone for about four years. Everyday I felt stupid and lonely and I felt anxious knowing how much time was passing because I knew high school would end and I needed to change things soon.
I haven't told anyone except my family. I just really needed to get this out. I know people out there have way worse problems
but it was so unbelievably horrible I still feel depressed thinking about it even though I've graduated. I feel like I really missed out on something I will never get back. I drive by my school
and I feel like I almost want to go back to redo things. It hurts so ******* much knowing I can never do that. I grew out of my awkward phase senior year but by then it was too late. Noone would
have even noticed me by then and I had to worry about my grades that whole year. Everyday I can't help but feeling like I missed out on being a teenager and I desperately wish I could go back. Now
I have to go to college and get a job and get an apartment and do adult things. I feel like I skipped being a teenager entirely and went straight to being adult and I hate it. I don't know why God did this
to me. Why he had to put me through so much pain. I didn't go into enough detail about the things I went through but it was so bad I can't explain it. Whenever I thought things couldn't get any worse they did.
I didn't like a single thing about it. I'm afraid I'll always feel like I'm missing something because I missed that chunk of my life. I'm afraid no matter how much time passes I'll still feel depressed thinking
about it. I know people reading this are just going to tell me to move on with my life because there's nothing I can do about it. And I am. Everyday I have to tell myself to move on but I still feel depressed no
matter how much I try. I've tried everything please don't tell me I need to "move on" or "who cares" or anything like that. I disappointed my family so badly also. It wasn't just me who got hurt it was them too.
I've never told anyone this. God bless you if you read this.
chilipeppasforever chilipeppasforever
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 20, 2014

Add a response...

I'm sorry, I'm in high school right now. I'm actually typing this b4 school ironically because I wake up everyday and think about how much I don't want to go. I'm a senior and I'm counting the days so that I can finally move on with my life.
I might seem like a happy kid on the surface, majorette and lacrosse player, with a few friends from middle school (by a few I mean like 3) and a car. But I'm anything but. I don't like being a majorette because I'm not as good as the other girls and everyone picks on me. One of my 3 friends doesn't go to my school and I only see her about once a month bc she lives 30 min away. I've never had a boyfriend, or been kissed, and the worst part is I'm older then all my classmates and EVERYONE knows and asks me about it constantly. (I'll be 19 when I graduate. The others outcast me when there is someone cooler to hang out with.
Everyday I put on a facade and pretend to be this happy little girl. But really I'm not, I just don't want people to know I'm not happy bc I don't want pitty. All my friends have big families and I have a single mom who is disabled. I spend every weekend working in the mall so that I can buy groceries for me and my mom and put gas in my car. I'm afraid my mom will die before Graduation bc she's been sick and won't go to the doctor in over 2 years. I meant to only give you a small bit of my story, so maybe you would feel like your not alone, and those seemingly, "cool kids" with friends and cars sometimes have hidden battles like I do. People think my life is great but I can't invite people to my house, so they don't know the truth.
Sorry for all this, I have to actually go to school now. I hope I helped, and I hope you can stay strong❤️

Im so sorry it took me so long to get back to you! Thank you so much for your response <3 It means so much. I'm actually doing a lot better. I remember thinking I would never feel better but my life is a million times better than it was this time last year.
But I'm really so sorry to hear about that. I sincerely hope things get better for you.

I'm so sorry.
I hope that as you make more friends in college you'll be able to heal.

Thank you :) That really means a lot, honestly. I wasn't expecting anyone to respond so quickly.