I Hate Being Compared To Other People
out of all my female cousins and sisters i am not the prettiest one. infact i was the ugliest one,lol. yet being ugly made me very self confident. but thats another story. so im not as pretty as them but not to sound cocky im pretty. its funny because ive noticed that i get better looking guys then they do, lol. i would say im a plane jane but when i fix myself up and put on makeup, dress real nice i look pretty. but i'm not as pretty as they i dont have thick straight beautiful hair like they do mines is curly. i don't have light eyes like them mines are brown, (well actually they are light brown but nothing special like them) still im happy with my self its just that my cousin (jonathan)and my brother are always comparing my physycal appearance with theres
critisizing me as if its my fault for not being beautiful like them. like there was a time that me and my cousing liz had gained weight still we weren't over weight we just were chubby. jonathan and my brother kept comparing me to liz saying "but atleast liz doesn't have a gut she can gain and lose weight but she wonte have a gut you have this really nasty gut it doesn't look right. but jonathan was really going off comparing me to her almost in a angry way. like as if its my fault. and if me and liz fight he'll take her side and i know its only because shes soooooo pretty and he is inlove with her. yes i have kissing cousins. lol anyways i am sick and tired of him always putting me down im suppose to be helping him but im gonna take precaution with him.
i realize he is not a person that cares about me. sometimes i think he doesn't even like me.he just uses me for money. but ive decided i'm gonna help him but im gonna make him sign a paper that makes it a loan. otherwise if he could he would steal from me. he stole from this restaurant he use to work in and because of that they went out of buisness. the restaurant closed. when he told me that i got so mad at him i told him i would never trust him. he saw this lady crying and didn't have mercy on her. his excuse was that all the coworkers did it.
now he is in serious debt and i told him that that was god punishing him because its too much coinsidence that after you steal from someone you end up getting into a debt even bigger than what you stole.
ok i just went into a whole other direction with this story, lol. its just that theres so much that i have to get off my chest about jonathan i dont care about my brother because i haven't spoken to him in two years, but jonathan! his actions and words really hurt me because ive always done alot for him helped him out when he needed money.
and it hurts to see that he allows himself to love only those whom are beautiful physicly. i just don't understand why is he always comparing me to my sister or my cousin. im not them.. thats why i don't look like eigther one. we're talking apples and oranges here. yes i have a gut (i'm getting lipo soon) but everyone is born with a different type of body. he is not cute at all.right now he's in another country but hes coming here pretty soon and in the usa we have alot of gorgeouse guys. i can't wait for him to come and since looks are soooooooooo important to him lets see how he feels. and trust me he is not a good looking guy. overthere he might be a good looking guy over here the competition is ruthless.
what would make a person worry so much about looks anyways, i mean worry about you own looks not someone else's..... he never takes my side in anything. even when i tell him a problem of mine is like i'm talking to the wall he wonte say anything. he'll maybe look up at me once or twice and continue looking else where. i'm telling you i feel like he can't stand me. he only uses me for money. but if liz tells one of her problem he'll listen to her attentively and even say encouraging words while shes talking. to let her know that she was right in what ever she did. when i saw this recently i realize that he really hated me. like before i never took it personal because i figured well thats just the way he is but no its not. he wasn't acting like that with liz. so i have no choice put to take it personal.
thats when it all hit me, then i realized why he was always comparing me to liz or my sister. and why he would always ignore me, because deep down he can't stand me. i wonder if i've done something to get him so mad at me. maybe i just didn't notice. but its nothing new. hes been like this always. i don't know. i don't know what to think. just that sadly the same way that i have slowly distant myself from some of my family members, i'll have to do it with him too.
you know if i see him i'll say hi but i wonte let him in my personal life. he wonte even have my address. nobody in my family will. including my mother. that can't even wish me a happy birthday. sometimes i try and try to think of why i don't get along with them. but it all comes down to the fact that they are all hypcrites they all talk about each other and i even though im 22, i have passed that stage. i don't like talking bad about others. i am not a child anymore, and its sad to see that these adults still are.
before i use to say jonathan was my only family, the only one that loved me. but today i desided to face my fear of movin on without my family and open my eyes to see the truth. who jonathan really is. he doesn't love me. he would never do for me, half of the things that ive done for him. if all he wants to do is critisize me and compare me to liz and my sister than why should i stick around for the blows. i might as well keep it moving.
its ok ill make up my own family with friends, real friends im hoping to make soon.